I want to be in the Illuminati. I bet that while they're on break, they look at all the conspiracy theories printed about them and laugh their asses off before arranging something random, like making all the hot dogs sold in New York purple for one day.

I just got a copy of the Quran. I intend to read it to find out what the blazes the suicide bombers have been reading. Something tells me they're not worth blowing yourself up over.