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Entry Two: Matters of the Mind and memory
Jun. 7th, 2006 12:22 amAs most of my revelations do, this one came while not thinking about it - or in some ways, thinking obliquely about it. I've been tossing around the idea of writing some sort of Potter fiction, but from the vantage point of a new DaDa (Dada - you may make both art and infancy jokes - both are appropariate here) teacher, and likely now to be past the events set in the actual Potter series, although it's likely that a lot of the names will stay the same. (Which bodes ill for Salazar's house, because they'll be losing a lot of points due to inattentive students.) This is mixed somewhat with going over ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bladespark's Blood and Fire, (haven't finished it, so this is a partway through musing) of which the main male hero, Aidan Rhiannon, is more use getting into trouble than getting out of it. Going over the story as I have read it so far, though, I thought "You know, even so, with all the stuff he's gone through, he's more of a hero than I am." And, to some degree, that was a depressing thought. (Of course, I am comparing myself, with no enhancement, to someone, for all his faults, who is still a vampire, and before that, an aerian. May be a tad of an unfair comparison, but it does say something about character writing that Aidan's not ridiculously Sue, and not too close to it) And through that, I came up on the subject that I've been turning over in my head.
I want to be memorable. Statistically speaking, I won't be that to more than maybe two generations of my own family, and perhaps the occasional other person that I consider a friend in those generations. I feel like I'm forgettable, and that distresses me significantly. (Could be my own absentmindedness showing through. Still profoundly nervous that I'm not making a good impression on one of my important mentors at work, but that's a side story, and I'm hoping that clears up as work progresses.) I don't feel like I'm memorable to people, and so I've always got a quick joke (at my own expense or no), a "hook", or something that draws some attention. Of course, I know better than to be a one-trick pony. Even more so, I feel like I'm forgettable to my friends, that if it wasn't for my presence reminding them of me, I'd soon pass from their minds. Maybe it's this non-permanent life I've been living for the last six years here - and the deliberate intent to put distance between me and my high school's residents. That's ten years with a few friends that stay constant and a lot that change. My most stable crew of people are all net-based. Having bandos for the first four helped, but even then, I'm passing into the Old Guard. In another year, I'll get another degree, pack myself into little tubs and head somewhere else, where hopefully, I'll set up shop for a few years of my life. Hopefully.
I'm going to be twenty-three and not graduated from college yet. I've got one degree that will look nice on the wall, and possibly be useful for trivia of my life and the occasional "WTF?" from someone if I remember a particularly obscure tidbit I picked up somewhere. (Although, with how the parents and I play trivia games, there's more than just a few "WTF" lurking). I'll have another degree, and then turn twenty-four. Nearly a quarter of a century gone, and finally just starting to work out the rest of my life. I've gone to a university where the sizes of the graduating classes number in the thousands. For these twenty-three years of my life, I've been forgettable. I have my little trinkets and tokens that remind me of the things I've done, the things I want to remember about my life, but they're all for my sake. I don't feel like I've done anything memorable or major. (I also feel like that's a direct contradiction of something I've said earlier... or resolved not to worry about earlier. Mood swings are another thing to watch for in this journal. In January, I'll list the things I've done so far, and in June I'll say they don't amount to a whole lot) The standards probably keep changing, though - I could win a blogging prize, and claim it wasn't good enough because it wasn't the biggest blog prize and I wasn't world-famous.
Dragging my expectations back down to reality, though, I haven't done or said anything that would make me famous in any respect. I'm not really that quotable (or I don't see it), and I don't feel like I'm leaving much of an imprint on anyone (this is most like a strong case of not seeing it even though it's staring me right in the face). Why do I want to be a hero? Well, the doing good bit is good, but there's a strong component of being remembered to that. (The down side is, of course, heroism is like potato chips: You can't eat just one, and there are never enough chips to feed everyone's hunger. Really, you need pizza or beer to go with the chips.) Might be why I don't get the chance to do the hero thing - bad motives. Of course, I'm sort of maneuvering myself into a position where I'm not really going to be memorable to people for a long time, either. I might have to settle in for the long-term approach and hope that ten or twenty years after I read a story to someone, they remember me and send a thank-you or something.
It's all very selfish, really. I want fame and glory for myself, yet I can feel that given the chance to take some credit, I'll pass it off to someone else, because I'll feel that they did more. I want that unmistakably mine solo effort that everyone remembers. At the same time, right about now, I want to say something like "Shut up, M, I still think you're wrong. My craving for memory does not mean that I can't try to be a person who can and will help others a lot of the time. In fact, if I can just do a big enough good work, then I'll be remembered for a good thing."
"Be not like the hypocrites, who stand on the street corners and pray loudly. I assure you, they have already received their reward."
Oh... yeah. Right. Wrong reasons, again. Very bad idea to do good for your own glory. More often than not, you end up stopping the good when the glory's not there, and that's not very good at all. (Unless it's something that can replicate itself as a good, like an endowment - then the good continues regardless of any further glory that accrues to you. It's memorable, in its own way, but it often requires significant amounts of capital, something I don't have right now.) Pretty easy way to gain memory is to do evils of a grand scale, but that's not my trade, nor do I even want to get close to that. So if I'm remembered for a big bad thing, it had better damn well have been an accident.
Yeah, I get kind of blue when I get thoughtful. Unfortunate consequence, I guess. Of course, stopping thinking is not a welcome activity, either, no matter how many people close their minds and find all they need with their eyes. There's got to be happy things in this world that can take up this kind of space in my mind and get a thorough examination. Unfortunately, the only one I can think of at the moment is love and relationships, and that's a very "turtle!" subject right now.
Past my bedtime writing this pontification - work in the morning and all that. G'night, people who read my words.
bladespark's Blood and Fire, (haven't finished it, so this is a partway through musing) of which the main male hero, Aidan Rhiannon, is more use getting into trouble than getting out of it. Going over the story as I have read it so far, though, I thought "You know, even so, with all the stuff he's gone through, he's more of a hero than I am." And, to some degree, that was a depressing thought. (Of course, I am comparing myself, with no enhancement, to someone, for all his faults, who is still a vampire, and before that, an aerian. May be a tad of an unfair comparison, but it does say something about character writing that Aidan's not ridiculously Sue, and not too close to it) And through that, I came up on the subject that I've been turning over in my head. I want to be memorable. Statistically speaking, I won't be that to more than maybe two generations of my own family, and perhaps the occasional other person that I consider a friend in those generations. I feel like I'm forgettable, and that distresses me significantly. (Could be my own absentmindedness showing through. Still profoundly nervous that I'm not making a good impression on one of my important mentors at work, but that's a side story, and I'm hoping that clears up as work progresses.) I don't feel like I'm memorable to people, and so I've always got a quick joke (at my own expense or no), a "hook", or something that draws some attention. Of course, I know better than to be a one-trick pony. Even more so, I feel like I'm forgettable to my friends, that if it wasn't for my presence reminding them of me, I'd soon pass from their minds. Maybe it's this non-permanent life I've been living for the last six years here - and the deliberate intent to put distance between me and my high school's residents. That's ten years with a few friends that stay constant and a lot that change. My most stable crew of people are all net-based. Having bandos for the first four helped, but even then, I'm passing into the Old Guard. In another year, I'll get another degree, pack myself into little tubs and head somewhere else, where hopefully, I'll set up shop for a few years of my life. Hopefully.
I'm going to be twenty-three and not graduated from college yet. I've got one degree that will look nice on the wall, and possibly be useful for trivia of my life and the occasional "WTF?" from someone if I remember a particularly obscure tidbit I picked up somewhere. (Although, with how the parents and I play trivia games, there's more than just a few "WTF" lurking). I'll have another degree, and then turn twenty-four. Nearly a quarter of a century gone, and finally just starting to work out the rest of my life. I've gone to a university where the sizes of the graduating classes number in the thousands. For these twenty-three years of my life, I've been forgettable. I have my little trinkets and tokens that remind me of the things I've done, the things I want to remember about my life, but they're all for my sake. I don't feel like I've done anything memorable or major. (I also feel like that's a direct contradiction of something I've said earlier... or resolved not to worry about earlier. Mood swings are another thing to watch for in this journal. In January, I'll list the things I've done so far, and in June I'll say they don't amount to a whole lot) The standards probably keep changing, though - I could win a blogging prize, and claim it wasn't good enough because it wasn't the biggest blog prize and I wasn't world-famous.
Dragging my expectations back down to reality, though, I haven't done or said anything that would make me famous in any respect. I'm not really that quotable (or I don't see it), and I don't feel like I'm leaving much of an imprint on anyone (this is most like a strong case of not seeing it even though it's staring me right in the face). Why do I want to be a hero? Well, the doing good bit is good, but there's a strong component of being remembered to that. (The down side is, of course, heroism is like potato chips: You can't eat just one, and there are never enough chips to feed everyone's hunger. Really, you need pizza or beer to go with the chips.) Might be why I don't get the chance to do the hero thing - bad motives. Of course, I'm sort of maneuvering myself into a position where I'm not really going to be memorable to people for a long time, either. I might have to settle in for the long-term approach and hope that ten or twenty years after I read a story to someone, they remember me and send a thank-you or something.
It's all very selfish, really. I want fame and glory for myself, yet I can feel that given the chance to take some credit, I'll pass it off to someone else, because I'll feel that they did more. I want that unmistakably mine solo effort that everyone remembers. At the same time, right about now, I want to say something like "Shut up, M, I still think you're wrong. My craving for memory does not mean that I can't try to be a person who can and will help others a lot of the time. In fact, if I can just do a big enough good work, then I'll be remembered for a good thing."
"Be not like the hypocrites, who stand on the street corners and pray loudly. I assure you, they have already received their reward."
Oh... yeah. Right. Wrong reasons, again. Very bad idea to do good for your own glory. More often than not, you end up stopping the good when the glory's not there, and that's not very good at all. (Unless it's something that can replicate itself as a good, like an endowment - then the good continues regardless of any further glory that accrues to you. It's memorable, in its own way, but it often requires significant amounts of capital, something I don't have right now.) Pretty easy way to gain memory is to do evils of a grand scale, but that's not my trade, nor do I even want to get close to that. So if I'm remembered for a big bad thing, it had better damn well have been an accident.
Yeah, I get kind of blue when I get thoughtful. Unfortunate consequence, I guess. Of course, stopping thinking is not a welcome activity, either, no matter how many people close their minds and find all they need with their eyes. There's got to be happy things in this world that can take up this kind of space in my mind and get a thorough examination. Unfortunately, the only one I can think of at the moment is love and relationships, and that's a very "turtle!" subject right now.
Past my bedtime writing this pontification - work in the morning and all that. G'night, people who read my words.
