100 Things - The Library and Library Workers edition

100 Things About Libraries and Librarians. (You May know these, you may be surprised by them.) It's part a Skippy's List, part a Things You Should Have Learned (Had You Been Paying Attention) and a lot of Odds and Ends.

1. Librarians have graduate degrees. Most of that graduate degree is in skills that make our interactions as seamless as possible.



2. Not everyone who works in a library is a librarian. We train our non-librarians well enough, though, that for the most part, you won't notice.



3. Libraries are not dull and stodgy places. There will always be choice phrases uttered within hearing distance, such as "I don’t want any of those books. They’re too historical." There will also be people who don't get that, and will shush the librarian, then ask them to speak quieter while they read a newspaper, and then tell them it’s "not the point" when you point out there is a designated "quiet zone" in the place. Or will tell someone not to talk to the librarian so they can sit and read the paper quietly outside of the quiet area.



4. A game system is an incredible draw for the teen, tween, and "college-age" demographic. And it makes other people pointedly ask whether that's "appropriate" in a library. I assure you, it is.



5. Ask us! Most people know what they want, but they don’t know how to find it. And they’re too afraid to disturb us, despite it being a large part of what we get paid to do. Even if we're not the subject experts, we're really good at finding stuff or using the resources that other people, including the subject experts, have provided. This looks remarkably like magic when all you have are a few fragments of what the book is and we return with the exact thing you wanted.



6. That said, herding children is easier than getting more information out of someone attempting to deny interest in the subject that they are asking a reference question about. Which reminds me - ask us! We're nonjudgmental by policy for inquiries. There are some things we won't do (like legal or medical advice), but we won't deny you information, regardless of what we may personally feel about the request. (If that's not your experience, we need to train the staffers more. Please let us know.) We do enjoy working with most people, and we're happy to help them find what they need. Watching someone's face light up when they find out someone has written something about that is rewarding.



7. Reading is reading is reading is reading is reading. Thou shalt not impugn reading with vile abominations such as requiring someone to stay within a prescribed range of reading level, nor shall thou decry some form of reading as not acceptable nor desirable. The gods of books, magazines, websites, and libraries visit vengeance upon all who do so. Usually in the form of intransigence from the child you are trying to manipulate.



8. Library people have their geeking-out spots, too.



9. Of all the foods available at a nice lunch during a meeting, the chocolate will be the most popular by far.



10. Librarians have a professional +5 to spot checks, +10 if the items in question are organized by a logical system.



11. It is sometimes confusing to one's co-workers that a person who can get up in front of three hundred librarians and do improv with a troupe is nervous about performing stories in front of fifteen children.



12. Working in a library means that one only gets farther behind on “books I shoud read”.



13. Working in a library develops your ability to sense other people. This can be put to interesting uses, like stopping before an intersection of shelves to let a child go zipping past before proceeding.



14. No matter how bright, large, flashing, neon, or other manner of attracting attention to itself the sign is, I will still be asked many times where someone can find X section. Or, more generally, nobody reads the signs in a library. Funny, isn't it?



15. The Cataloging System Is Precise. Zero results generally means that the input is incorrect and the system is taking you at your word.



16. The Cataloging System Is Error-Prone. Likely due to the nature of outsourcing cataloging data to other services that do so (or due to the variances of persons at those services), one cannot be assured that the various books in a series will be cataloged in a uniform manner, nor can we assure that they will all be found in the same general area from one branch to another. (This is particualrly apparent in book series in paperback.)



17. We have learned a lot about taking care of technology, and of the limitations of our own systems. We can translate this into something comprehensible for you, the end user.



18. However, do not mistake our situational expertise with complete expertise. (For that, you have to find the person who is the tech expert.) There's a reason that tech supports with "Is it turned on? Is everything plugged in? Did you install the software?" - it solves 95% of problems.



19. Also, we're always one step behind the current. Usually as a matter of policy.



20. Getting children to do what you would like them to do is akin to herding felines. This task is far easier when Mamma Cat is around. Additionally, there are few things more cool, professionally, that listening to a parent do awesome parenting and encouragement. I hope that all parents can be like that.



21. Children are vicious to each other. They will also forge temporary alliances against the adults if it is in their interest to do so. It is still a toss-up whether young children or teenage children are more vicious and incisive to their peers. That said, nothing enourages better behavior than being in the line of sight or the range of hearing of a librarian.



22. Teenagers, if treated like normal people instead of pariahs, will behave like normal people. If you are intimidated by them, their tobacco usage, and their occasional use of coarse language, don't hide behind your child as the reason you complain to me. Own up that you're afraid of them, you think they're behaving degenerately, and you want me to make them go away. That said, lot of ill-behaved vandals, if you live up to the stereotype, you're not going to garner any sympathy from us... or the police when we sic them on you for your vandalism.



23. For most people, there is no limit on Internet time that will work for them. No matter how many different options we offer for getting all of your important work done. And heaven help us if the terminals are down - it makes all the good-natured people turn remarkably surly, and quickly.



24. The collection is wide and varied. For example, Goth Craft and Olivia in Latin likely both exist. We also have Why Sh*t Happens: The science of a really bad day, and the revised edition of The Physics of Superheroes.
    
    That said, the gods of libraries will smite researchers who believe that non-reference materials on their papers will appear when they have to complete said paper by tomorrow and they haven't started.



25. There is such a thing as collaborative coloring sheet work.



26. After a while, one gets enough of a feel for the library such that one can go from person to person, dropping off a querant in the proper zone for their answer and picking up another that needs to go elsewhere. When I do this, I feel like I'm playing some sort of train game. Now that I think about it, I think it would make a pretty awesome train-style game.



27. I have learned more about fashion in my years working here than I have at any other point in my life. F'rex: there's no such thing as too-short shorts. Just paste on sufficient black spandex as to meet modesty requirements around the frayed and white short-shorts, and you're good to go.
    
    Also, camo is a popular pattern here. Being that we're close to military bases, this makes sense. This extends to child-sized replicas of military fatigues. Thankfully, camo also comes in pink.
    
    
28. The fashion style of wearing pants that permit obvious view of boxer shorts or other underclothes is not limited to men. I will give credit that the people I observed this trend on choose flannel boxer shorts to show off, rather than, say, a g-string or other, more revealing attire. The reverse of this style has the same difficulty as the original - wearing one's athletic shorts so low as to permit the full view of one's jeans underneath tends to defeat the purpose of the athletic shorts in the first place.



29. Child-sized purses and purfume bottles with actual perfumes also exist. By the way...



30. *cough* Strong scents in the library have a way of getting to you. *cough* Please be considerate of others. *cough, cough*



31. In the library, one can use the word "ratiocination" in proper context without straining or being called for a loquaciousness foul.



32. Comic books are a great way for fathers and sons to bond over reading.



33. We're very dogged about getting answers, even if you have since abandoned the question.



34. Cell phone ringtones are diverse. And I think, in today's world, we're attuned to hearing them. Which is why so many people can get irritated at someone's tune playing. There's also the part where the tones have to be audible, which often means "loud enough to be heard over conversation" that could be irritating, too.



35. I think all library staff could use paid recess and paid nap time.



36. People will use the strangest things for bookmarks. Considering it was a Playboy item, though, that may have been all it was really good for. Oh, and there's also the Wall of Lost Bookmarks at my branch. Ask me about pictures at some point.



37. The Bridge Rule: Anywhere on the Internet where there is an attempt to make a bridge between people, be it financially, socially, romantically, or otherwise, there is at least one troll underneath the bridge.



38. The Other Bridge Rule: A proper opening bid should have more than 12 high-card points and either a five-card major or three-card minor suit. Quick tricks may help an 11 or 12 high-card point hand be enough to open with.



39. Schedules for construction do not move earlier, only later.



40. Architects who do not listen to the concerns of the staff members about their designs should have their contracts terminated with prejudice before any construction begins.



41. Management that does not listen to the concerns of the staff members about the architects' designs should be required to listen to every complaint generated by that design when it is completed.



42. Life, the Universe, and Everything.



43. Our patrons are of all types of people. We serve all types of people. Thus, as a professional, I will not go whomping on the person who insists that America is a Christian nation, that we've been on a downslide since the adoption of separation of Church and State, on Masonic conspiracies, that we're trying to displace God from the country and bring back everything that the Greeks were doing, including professional sport, homosexuality, and watching football over going to church. The really interesting part was the skillful weaving of that which is fact and that which is opinion. As a professional, I will continue with my work as I listen to what is being said. This part of the discipline that we have. (I reserve the right to be quietly amused by the matter, however, and to pass alongthe description of said person if I feel they are going to be disruptive to others.)
    
    I have the requisite professionalism to take someone seriously when they ask about information on a One World Government or a North American Union, cite Ron Paul as the person who is talking about it, but nobody is paying attention to, and to advise them that they will likely find a dearth of scholarly information on the matter, while still finding them a book about the currently-applying Constitution so they can study it, because they are trying to inform themselves about the shadowy cabal, whomever they are, planning on writing a new one for the OWG/NAU. I am That. Damn. Good. I still reserve the right to go, "Huh. Met a Ron Paul supporter today."
    
    It also means that I will not be caught by surprise when the religiously observant woman comes in and checks out bodice-rippers.



44. Wearing the badge means that occasionally, someone will shout at you to "do something" about someone else. The fun happens when the other person is behaving within the policy rules.



45. If we can't do excellent service to kids and teens, we're basically screwing ourselves when it comes to continuing funding and being relevant to the future.



46. Librarians do have a sense of humor. Sometimes its obvious, sometimes not. F'rex: Our library has a knack for acronyms. ELVIS used to do the calling, but he has left the building. His replacement? HAL.
    
    HAL apparently elides some of his pronunciations, such that patrons can mistake him for saying "This is Hell calling." You can imagine the hilarity that ensues from taking that idea out to its logical conclusion. "Pay your fines or FACE THE WRATH OF SATAN!"



47. There is nowhere that is safe from someone wanting you to covert to their religion. I do believe that one was my first offical, while-at-work one. And from a Catholic, no less.



48. Our copier coin box has a SEP field around it.



49. People are willing to leave their cell phones charging on a ledge they cannot see that is halfway across the library from the computer they are sitting at, believing it will be safe.


50. People will ask you to watch their equipment, thinking you will keep it safe for them while they go elsewhere.


51. Actually, people will ask you to watch their children, thinking you will keep them safe while they go elsewhere.



52. While we are authoritative, we are not the authority. Please stop trying to recruit us into agreeing with your view of the world.



53. The library has policies and procedures. Don't get really pissy when your attemtps to just sit down and go are pre-empted by someone going through the correct procedure to reserve a computer. And don't go looking for a scapegoat in teenagers "playing games" on the computer while your Big Serious Bizness goes undone. This Rule applies in all places and policies at all times.



54. Children who go mute and cling to their parent's legs when the parents are around are perfectly able to talk and interact when the parents aren't. Sometimes, in that intervening space, we find out what the kid really wants.



55. There is no telling what someone will be offended by in a book. I say this because every time I hear a complaint about a book, I get another confirmation of the wisdom of "access for all, without restrictions, without censorship, and without really giving a damn what people think about the idea of access for all."



56. It is not okay for very young men to go running about the library with their pants off. The potential biological hazards are more than enough justification for this.



57. Speaking of, if your child might produce a biohazard, such as vomit - please stay home.



58. For the Flying Spaghetti Monster's sake, if you are sick, really sick, please stay home. I really don't want to have to listen to you sniffle and cough and sneeze while you sit at one of the tables near me. It makes me fear that I'm going to get sick. And a sick librarian is not what you want. Sick librarians are cranky.



59. Your responsibilities regarding the conduct of your children/siblings/grandchildren/charges are not abdicated upon your sitting down to an Internet terminal, or your sitting them down to an Internet terminal. If things get out of hand, you are permitted and encouraged to pause your session, remove yourself to enforce parenting discipline, and then return to your station. If you must do this multiple times, that is acceptable. Since we are not a licensed day-care facility, we do not have the training, nor the resources, nor are we paid enough by any stretch of the imagination to baby-sit or entertain your children outside the course of our normal programming. As such, we will refer all unruly children back to you and expect you to do something about it to our satisfaction. You are responsible for the content that your children see. There will be things there you think are inappropriate. It is up to you to filter or have those discussions with your child about appropriate material. We don't do that, nor do we have any inkling of an intent to do so. At least, those of us who intend on keeping our jobs don't.



60. Honking your horn outside your destination as a way of telling someone that you are here is in poor taste. If it were done outside a private residence, you've only offended a couple people. Outside the library, you've probably offended a lot more people. Continuing to honk your horn afterward because the person you were seeking did not immediately appear at the door is in poorer taste. I assure you, we heard you the first time.



61. We are not an answering machine service, nor do we have to keep track of anyone. If you are that concerned about the whereabouts of your child, tether him or her with a cell phone or other sort of leash, please. Furthermore, if you are going to give your child a telephone to carry about with them, you really should make sure that it works and can call you.



62. On that point, only school libraries act in loco parentis. So, if you want your child not to check certain materials out, or not to attend programs, or to only make it so they can watch Barney forever and ever until the end of time, you'll have to accompany your child to the library every single time.



63. Once is a warning. Twice is a command. Don't make me say it a third time.



64. Sometimes, you will have to wait for materials. Other times, we have to request it from another library. This does take time.



65. Thank you for not annotating the book directly with pen or other nonremovable methods and materials. However, please remember to remove your annotations after you are finished with the book and are returning it to us.



66. "If you feel unsure about which of several books to choose, I suggest the following. Open the book and read a paragraph at random, out loud. The sound of it—the sounds the words make as they slide and bump into each other—should feel cadenced or harmonic or percussive or marvelously arrhythmic. The idea of swaying your hips as you read should not seem entirely far-fetched. If this fails to occur, put the book back on the shelf and continue your search. If salespeople or other customers stare at you, pay them no mind. It’s their problem, not yours." - Michael Cunningham, Better Homes and Gardens August 2009.
    
    Spend no more time nor pages with a book than absolutely necessary. If you're not hooked, discard the book and try another.



67. I don't read minds. Stare as much as you like, but I'm not going to know what you want until you say something. (Even when I can make a really accurate guess by your context.)



68. By butting in to ask your question that you seem very frustrated with, when you say "I don't mean to be rude", it is already too late.



69. Do not wait until the last two minutes of your computer session to get help with your problem. (Unless, of course, the problem appears in the last two minutes of your session. That's unavoidable.) This makes the librarians very cranky.



70. Teachers - it is ill-advised to make assignments so specific or exacting such that when someone comes to me for help, I can provide them with perhaps one resource, and even then, the person is unsure you will take it.



71. I would really appreciate you taking me up on the offer of not wearing shoes and wearing pajamas (that you can wear in public) in story time. For both you, children, and you, adults. I do not say these things merely as self-justification for my own costuming choices.



72. When the fire alarm sounds, it is procedure to evacuate the building. Yes, even if there's no actual fire. Yes, even if you overheard the explanation for things going off. Your computer time is not that important. Get. Out.



73. It is not funny, amusing, or cool to remove the labels indicating where the library and the parking garage exit is from the elevator.



74. The parking garage is not an indoor skate park, no matter how much it looks like one, and no matter how much you desperately wish for somewhere indoors to practice your ollies, flips, and tricks.



75. The parking garage is also not a parkour course. No matter how much you wish it were one.



76. We cannot control what the city does. A shared-use building does not give us a direct pipeline to local government. If it did, trust me - we'd be in there more than you would be.



77. Male caregivers in the library are fairly common now - this is a good thing. Male caregivers in story time? We could use more of that.



78. Most library workers have a preferred caffeine source.



79. The State Auditor's Office does surprise inspections.



80. There are some people who are so smug in their superiority that they will walk out of your library with a dismissive quip if you can't tell them off the top of your head whether you have a book on topic X. Believe it or not, we sometimes need to take a few seconds to make sure that we give you accurate information on where something might be, or whether we have it. That few seconds often involves a computer search.



81. There are way too many things happening to me when the people best equipped to handle them are out of the building. Thankfully, that does not mean that I can't handle them.



82. Users will mistake a trash compactor for a book drop.



83. Some of our users are unaware of what it looks like when you complain about the content of a book that's about people complaining about the content of books.



84. There's a gap of library users from about 18 to "has a kid". I suspect it's because we don't have many things or programs for that age and interest.



85. Libraries are reconfiguring themselves to try and meet those needs (and a lot of other needs, like teaching people how to apply for jobs on-line when the last time they had to apply for jobs, typewriters were the dominant technology.)



86. Libraries are one of the few places left where you don't have to buy something to be there. Plus, did I mention most of us know where to go for social services and community help organizations?



87. We love e-readers.



88. However, we hate publishers who treat libraries as pariahs, pirates, and do things like jack up their prices unnecessarily or refuse to sell us works so that we can lend them out to others.



89. We're also not all that fond of DRM, either.



90. Libraries, like many government functions, have bureaucracy. This squishes most good ideas from the trenches.



91. Like any other workplace, we have office politics and drama. I wish we didn't.



92. We have the non-emergency number for the police on our speed dial. Think about that for a moment.



93. Ye shall not ask the library worker out on a date while they are working at the library. No matter how smitten you are with them, nor how pretty the library worker is.



94. At no point is it going to be socially acceptable for your children to run about into the fountain jets naked. It will, however, make for an amusing or horrifying story for the staff people involved to tell when someone asks us about what life in the library is like.



95. It is possible to describe being flashed/mooned in a euphemistic manner. ("His pants did not get up with him.")



96. Stealing from the library is lame. Not only do you inconvenience everyone else around you, and make whatever pitiful pittance you get by reselling the stuff elsewhere, but you're making it harder for us to be seen as responsible stewards of tax dollars. The ones that you pay for library services, moron.



97. Recessions suck. That said, if you think that you're doing yourselves a favor by voting down levies and millages and bonds because you don't want to pay the taxes on them, think again. Or at least don't complain when you find out that the schools are suffering because their capital has been curtailed by uncomfortable and evil cuts in the budget, or that the library suddenly isn't as open or as material-filled as it was before.



98. There's a lot of pressure from the economic standpoint to run libraries more like businesses. In fact, there's already a company that has taken over public library branches with that intent in mind. No less a luminary than Nancy Pearl thinks this is a bad idea. (She said she doesn't like "customer" because it implies the business relationship, and businesses are about the bottom line, which is not the business that the library is in. @ WLA 2012)



99. Every reader their book, every book its reader. Ranganathan was spot-on.



100. If you haven't realized it by now, my job is never boring. There are only occasional lulls that fill the gaps between interesting stuff.