December Days 02025 #25: Butterfly
Dec. 25th, 2025 11:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptIt's December Days time again. This year, I have decided that I'm going to talk about skills and applications thereof, if for no other reason than because I am prone to both the fixed mindset and the downplaying of any skills that I might have obtained as not "real" skills because they do not fit some form of ideal.
25: Butterfly
By now, you probably have a decent profile of what kind of person I was when I was younger, and possibly a good idea of what I am like now. So it will not be a surprise to you to find out that I was not the life of the social party when I was younger, and even now, I am not one to go to the places where people simply hang out without some kind of purpose in mind or social hook to get them talking to each other.
The prompt is the thing that helps me not be shy or awkward about talking to people. If there's a known theme for the gathering, or there's something specific that I know everyone in the space is going to be talking about, I can be a lot more social, but if there's no set topic or set of topics to choose from, I tend to observe from the wall and not say all that much on my own. It is likely to be one of the mysteries of life, that someone who can put down so many words about themselves and other topics in a written form suddenly doesn't talk all that much when in a non-written form or in a social setting.
The thing that tends to produce the switch is that in unfamiliar social situations, I'm much more afraid of putting a foot wrong and being rejected for it. This is the "men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will do violence to them" kind of scale, and my astrological sign, if you believe in that, suggests that I am pinchy when bothered and quick to retreat to my shell if I feel there's some kind of danger around. With the various ways my brain sees the world at different angles than others, and sometimes straight-up orthogonally to others, I'm used to having an entire suite of derogations used in my direction by others, to make fun of my interests, my efforts to succeed in school, my general perception as someone intelligent, or that I am forgetful, incapable, untrustworthy, and otherwise unsuitable for adulthood, and I should be thankful and grateful that there are still people in the world who would interact with me despite all of my flaws. Or that I get upset when the RNG seems determined to make things go poorly for me, because, after all, it's just a game and I'm only having fun when I'm winning. Or that I didn't follow the directions I was given and instead did something else. (Something else that made logical sense at the time, because the directions themselves did not have their justification explained to me.) Or, y'know, any number of possible scenarios where it's possible that someone is going to reprimand me or make fun of me or otherwise denigrate me, the person, for not being able to accomplish some task, for doing it incorrectly, or for not managing to read their mind or intuit that the words they are saying have some meaning other than the ones commonly understood.
It's not surprising that I have rejection sensitivity. It often comes hand in hand with other neurological divergences / diversities, because of the intense pressure on children from their peers and their instructors to behave and engage in classroom activities in "normal" ways. The "weird" kid usually only has other "weird" kids as a social group, even if there are some links outward from there to other people. And required schooling sometimes presents itself as a dance of when you're allowed to be known and seen around someone else ,and when you aren't, and you're supposed to intuit this, or have internalized oblique rules about the matter and performed them appropriately enough that they are second nature. It also doesn't help that just getting out of the university experience and graduate school, I immediately landed in two situations where I was subjected to regular amounts of ridicule for acting outside "normal" parameters. My first boss tried to fire me, and I survived that by virtue of her retirement. My first long-term relationship outside of graduate school was detrimental to my mental, physical, and financial health. It was quite the crash from the university experience of generally being on top of things and receiving feedback for good work done and refinement for work that could be better. And it left me in difficult situations when it comes to things that other people would blink twice at me and ask "you have to consider that? Consciously? Instead of already understanding how welcome you are or aren't at any given gathering? Instead of already having an unshakeable core conviction that you are a being worthy of love and kindness, and it is not conditional on how well you perform for others or are useful to them? You dont' already know that as a core truth?"
No. I do not have that luxury. I try hard to let my competent managers know when I'm having a communication problem, or a situation where I don't feel like I can advocate for myself effectively. Or a situation where I suspect that the other person in the conversation has already made their decision and is not willing to budge on it. But it's entirely likely that I can be more easily bullied than other people, because there aren't that many things that I am going to plant my feet in the ground over, and not that many things that I will consider a complete affront to myself and that will get me to fight. For others? Plenty. For myself? Not much. Because I am sensitive to rejection and also willing to believe that other people don't actually want me around, or are only being nice to me because they feel a social obligation to do so, or some other reason that doesn't have anything to do with the possibility that they might genuinely like me as a person and want to hang out with me. I have enough experiences that the core feeling of self-worth is not very well-established, if at all.
It turns out that humans are generally nicer, warmer, and more friendly than our media accounts would have us believe. Which is heartening, and useful guard against the brainweasels. It continues to remind me that because I can only see other people from the outside, and myself from the inside, that I will do better to trust people when they tell me things, because their insides are probably like mine, and therefore if they've said something aloud, it probably comes from conviction after having weighed many of the same pieces for themselves about rejection and vulnerability. Maybe not to the same degree or worry, but they've done the evaluation, and what they're saying is genuine. At least until proved otherwise.
I'm glad to have friends, and parasocial relationships, and more distant ties pf camaraderie and professional association. It's helpful. But there's always going to be some weasel somewhere that says it's all a lie and I'm too stupid (or desperate for approval) to notice. But I'm still trying to make the effort to be more of a social butterfly, and to work through a chrysialis that takes me from being scared and shelled up to fluttering on the breeze. Thank you, to all of you, who assist in this.
25: Butterfly
By now, you probably have a decent profile of what kind of person I was when I was younger, and possibly a good idea of what I am like now. So it will not be a surprise to you to find out that I was not the life of the social party when I was younger, and even now, I am not one to go to the places where people simply hang out without some kind of purpose in mind or social hook to get them talking to each other.
The prompt is the thing that helps me not be shy or awkward about talking to people. If there's a known theme for the gathering, or there's something specific that I know everyone in the space is going to be talking about, I can be a lot more social, but if there's no set topic or set of topics to choose from, I tend to observe from the wall and not say all that much on my own. It is likely to be one of the mysteries of life, that someone who can put down so many words about themselves and other topics in a written form suddenly doesn't talk all that much when in a non-written form or in a social setting.
The thing that tends to produce the switch is that in unfamiliar social situations, I'm much more afraid of putting a foot wrong and being rejected for it. This is the "men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will do violence to them" kind of scale, and my astrological sign, if you believe in that, suggests that I am pinchy when bothered and quick to retreat to my shell if I feel there's some kind of danger around. With the various ways my brain sees the world at different angles than others, and sometimes straight-up orthogonally to others, I'm used to having an entire suite of derogations used in my direction by others, to make fun of my interests, my efforts to succeed in school, my general perception as someone intelligent, or that I am forgetful, incapable, untrustworthy, and otherwise unsuitable for adulthood, and I should be thankful and grateful that there are still people in the world who would interact with me despite all of my flaws. Or that I get upset when the RNG seems determined to make things go poorly for me, because, after all, it's just a game and I'm only having fun when I'm winning. Or that I didn't follow the directions I was given and instead did something else. (Something else that made logical sense at the time, because the directions themselves did not have their justification explained to me.) Or, y'know, any number of possible scenarios where it's possible that someone is going to reprimand me or make fun of me or otherwise denigrate me, the person, for not being able to accomplish some task, for doing it incorrectly, or for not managing to read their mind or intuit that the words they are saying have some meaning other than the ones commonly understood.
It's not surprising that I have rejection sensitivity. It often comes hand in hand with other neurological divergences / diversities, because of the intense pressure on children from their peers and their instructors to behave and engage in classroom activities in "normal" ways. The "weird" kid usually only has other "weird" kids as a social group, even if there are some links outward from there to other people. And required schooling sometimes presents itself as a dance of when you're allowed to be known and seen around someone else ,and when you aren't, and you're supposed to intuit this, or have internalized oblique rules about the matter and performed them appropriately enough that they are second nature. It also doesn't help that just getting out of the university experience and graduate school, I immediately landed in two situations where I was subjected to regular amounts of ridicule for acting outside "normal" parameters. My first boss tried to fire me, and I survived that by virtue of her retirement. My first long-term relationship outside of graduate school was detrimental to my mental, physical, and financial health. It was quite the crash from the university experience of generally being on top of things and receiving feedback for good work done and refinement for work that could be better. And it left me in difficult situations when it comes to things that other people would blink twice at me and ask "you have to consider that? Consciously? Instead of already understanding how welcome you are or aren't at any given gathering? Instead of already having an unshakeable core conviction that you are a being worthy of love and kindness, and it is not conditional on how well you perform for others or are useful to them? You dont' already know that as a core truth?"
No. I do not have that luxury. I try hard to let my competent managers know when I'm having a communication problem, or a situation where I don't feel like I can advocate for myself effectively. Or a situation where I suspect that the other person in the conversation has already made their decision and is not willing to budge on it. But it's entirely likely that I can be more easily bullied than other people, because there aren't that many things that I am going to plant my feet in the ground over, and not that many things that I will consider a complete affront to myself and that will get me to fight. For others? Plenty. For myself? Not much. Because I am sensitive to rejection and also willing to believe that other people don't actually want me around, or are only being nice to me because they feel a social obligation to do so, or some other reason that doesn't have anything to do with the possibility that they might genuinely like me as a person and want to hang out with me. I have enough experiences that the core feeling of self-worth is not very well-established, if at all.
It turns out that humans are generally nicer, warmer, and more friendly than our media accounts would have us believe. Which is heartening, and useful guard against the brainweasels. It continues to remind me that because I can only see other people from the outside, and myself from the inside, that I will do better to trust people when they tell me things, because their insides are probably like mine, and therefore if they've said something aloud, it probably comes from conviction after having weighed many of the same pieces for themselves about rejection and vulnerability. Maybe not to the same degree or worry, but they've done the evaluation, and what they're saying is genuine. At least until proved otherwise.
I'm glad to have friends, and parasocial relationships, and more distant ties pf camaraderie and professional association. It's helpful. But there's always going to be some weasel somewhere that says it's all a lie and I'm too stupid (or desperate for approval) to notice. But I'm still trying to make the effort to be more of a social butterfly, and to work through a chrysialis that takes me from being scared and shelled up to fluttering on the breeze. Thank you, to all of you, who assist in this.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-26 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-26 07:09 pm (UTC)I don't have much to say to this, other than that I think I understand your reasons quite well (though reaching out to others is thankfully considerably easier for me), and that I hope that you'll find reaching out to others easier as time goes on. Good luck!
no subject
Date: 2025-12-26 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-26 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-12-26 08:01 pm (UTC)I've noticed it's become easier for me in the time I've been on here, too (yesterday I had an interesting conversation with someone I'd only seen from Dreamwidth News posts, for example!), and it's really nice!