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silveradept...and yet, at the same time, it was just fun. There's so much to do, so much that's making sense and not making sense... It'll come together in time, I'm sure. I just need a little pushing in the right direction, I suspect. I expended some discretionary funds in completing a couple of my collections and adding more to others. Yeah, as much as I complain about not having money (and I still do), I keep a little around just so that I can feel like I don't have to watch every penny. It's part of my birth sign - lay off. Although money may not buy happiness.
Anyway, today was not necessarily any sort of cool thing day. I did go watch a water polo match (women's) with some of the bones, and although we didn't win, it was fun to see in action. It helps me with my inner tube polo refereeing, actually. I have an idea how things work in the real thing, now.
I did take a fall on some ice today. Luckily, I only took a knee and dirtied my hands before rolling over a bit and getting back up. Sheepish as usual, I chuckled. Perhaps some Erisian insanities. I'm aimless again, but stuck in between mad devotion to returning to my thesis and just not diving back in immediately. I've taken my week off, and I still have a draft due for the second part by the end of next month.
At the same time, I've got to also add on some introduction and conclusion and probably a bibliographic source or two as well. I'm at the metatext stage, and while I think I've got it, I'm not sure I'm confident enough to put it into words on paper yet. Maybe it's my procrastinating side, but I don't know if something's holding me back other than myself.
Do I trust me and just work at it at my own lazy sort of pace - or do I try to get something productive out of me so that I feel accomplished? Is anyone pondering what they're pondering? In fact, can you ponder what they're pondering, even?
There's more, too, of course. It may not be quite as dire a situation as things were for this guy, and it certainly doesn't need stem cells to cure, but if this doesn't get resolved, I might resort to pulling my hair out. And that would lead to patent infringement when I tried to correct the damage.
Plus, a friend told me that he had a religious revelation not too long ago. It's silly to be envious of other people when they have religious experiences, but from those usually comes the security of mind that can be envious. If I'm living out on the edge, it's tiring and depressing. At the same time, those people who tell us to live out on the edge say that it's tiring, it's insecure, but it's better. Red pill or blue pill? Am I even anywhere near where I could be offered the red pill?
I think about these things too much. I doubt myself far more than I should in these places. I'm probably looking for a Truth that doesn't exist. Even my thesis tells me that some ideals are ultimately illusory. It doesn't make them worthless, merely unattainable in their pure, written form. Searching for a practical ideal would make more sense, even though it feels like selling out just a bit. Who knew that this thing would turn out to be such a philosophical exercise, with impacts on my life as it is now?
I may have fallen victim to the process I describe as a useful part of the romances. If I'm floundering out here, though, I have yet to obtain, perhaps, the lessons I should be gathering from them - in more than merely an intellectual sense. A yet-incomplete knight, I am, even if my title says I'm fit for command. It may also be true that no matter how much I study, I may never get there. The journey should be the goal, but the goal is how I tell if I'm going anywhere.
A familiar problem, I'm sure, and one that I've spent much text thinking about. Apologies if I should become boring or whiny about it - I have no intent on making this into something that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
kwantumwank could draw inspiration from. Is this one of those major philosophical problems that people have spent entire books trying to figure out - and others have spent about a sentence or a gesture figuring out?
Ah, if only I had convictions, so that I could get the courage to back them up with. Why does it seem easier to see what other people are thinking and tell them that they're right, than it is to see what I'm thinking, and tell myself I'm right with the same amount of confidence...
That's probably enough melodrama for today. Old material, really, memories and such.
Anyway, today was not necessarily any sort of cool thing day. I did go watch a water polo match (women's) with some of the bones, and although we didn't win, it was fun to see in action. It helps me with my inner tube polo refereeing, actually. I have an idea how things work in the real thing, now.
I did take a fall on some ice today. Luckily, I only took a knee and dirtied my hands before rolling over a bit and getting back up. Sheepish as usual, I chuckled. Perhaps some Erisian insanities. I'm aimless again, but stuck in between mad devotion to returning to my thesis and just not diving back in immediately. I've taken my week off, and I still have a draft due for the second part by the end of next month.
At the same time, I've got to also add on some introduction and conclusion and probably a bibliographic source or two as well. I'm at the metatext stage, and while I think I've got it, I'm not sure I'm confident enough to put it into words on paper yet. Maybe it's my procrastinating side, but I don't know if something's holding me back other than myself.
Do I trust me and just work at it at my own lazy sort of pace - or do I try to get something productive out of me so that I feel accomplished? Is anyone pondering what they're pondering? In fact, can you ponder what they're pondering, even?
There's more, too, of course. It may not be quite as dire a situation as things were for this guy, and it certainly doesn't need stem cells to cure, but if this doesn't get resolved, I might resort to pulling my hair out. And that would lead to patent infringement when I tried to correct the damage.
Plus, a friend told me that he had a religious revelation not too long ago. It's silly to be envious of other people when they have religious experiences, but from those usually comes the security of mind that can be envious. If I'm living out on the edge, it's tiring and depressing. At the same time, those people who tell us to live out on the edge say that it's tiring, it's insecure, but it's better. Red pill or blue pill? Am I even anywhere near where I could be offered the red pill?
I think about these things too much. I doubt myself far more than I should in these places. I'm probably looking for a Truth that doesn't exist. Even my thesis tells me that some ideals are ultimately illusory. It doesn't make them worthless, merely unattainable in their pure, written form. Searching for a practical ideal would make more sense, even though it feels like selling out just a bit. Who knew that this thing would turn out to be such a philosophical exercise, with impacts on my life as it is now?
I may have fallen victim to the process I describe as a useful part of the romances. If I'm floundering out here, though, I have yet to obtain, perhaps, the lessons I should be gathering from them - in more than merely an intellectual sense. A yet-incomplete knight, I am, even if my title says I'm fit for command. It may also be true that no matter how much I study, I may never get there. The journey should be the goal, but the goal is how I tell if I'm going anywhere.
A familiar problem, I'm sure, and one that I've spent much text thinking about. Apologies if I should become boring or whiny about it - I have no intent on making this into something that
kwantumwank could draw inspiration from. Is this one of those major philosophical problems that people have spent entire books trying to figure out - and others have spent about a sentence or a gesture figuring out? Ah, if only I had convictions, so that I could get the courage to back them up with. Why does it seem easier to see what other people are thinking and tell them that they're right, than it is to see what I'm thinking, and tell myself I'm right with the same amount of confidence...
That's probably enough melodrama for today. Old material, really, memories and such.
