Time to start work again.
Jul. 31st, 2005 11:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptToday was eventfully uneventful. Much done. Much left undone. Levels gained and stuff. And stuff. Today was a lazy Sunday in a good way. Tomorrow is work, however. That dampens any Sunday - it always has. If it isn't work, it's skool that happens on Mondays. Maybe when I'm all said and done, I'll be okay with going to work in the morning. Maybe not. We'll see.
As promised, there is a second part to last night's insecurities. I worked this part out with someone else over IM while I was composing the first part. Like most traumas, this goes back to my childhood (sorry, gratuitous melodrama.)
Yeah. So I said that it might go all the way back to being a child. You see, I'm apparently in the higher scores when it comes to intellect. That I use it so thoughtlessly and unwisely is another matter entirely. The education system's standards and teachings for my grade level were below what I was capable of doing. And my parents never told me to do anything but full-bore intellect. So I excelled. That's great, right? Well, excepting that as a child, I'm a bit fragile emotionally. Because I excel so much, on the occasions where I'm not perfect, or even right, my psyche suffers considerably. It's not something I was used to. It didn't help that I think (think now - may be an exaggeration, probably is, but when you're a child.. or even a high-schooler, everything seems bigger than it probably is. I might still be suffering under that delusion...) that the other classmates were laughing at me or making fun of me when it happened. Being "only human" to another child, I feel, is a matter of great glee and ammunition for any would-be tormentors. Setting oneself up on the pedestal like that makes it hurt harder when there is the occasional fall (and moreso if there's an angry mob waiting for you down there.) Anyway, so there was a lot of hurt when wrong... that only stiffened the resolve to never be wrong, which hurt when it happened again, et cetera. I could have skipped grades, too, but that would have been disaster, and mother knew it.
My teachers, especially getting up into the elementary grades, were also all for me going full-bore academics, so much that I took high-school geometry in the sixth grade. (Passed it, by the way, with a B. Could have been better had I the algebra behind it, which I took in grade seven, and then onward to the post-geometry algebra in grade eight. Anyway, getting ahead of myself...) By getting to the end of my elementary career, I was a doing well in cerebral matters, but in other areas of development along the psyche, probably lagging behind. There was the change to public schooling, where it felt like things continued (Duh, Silver - it’s because you didn't adjust your tactics. Your parents were telling you that everyone else was wrong and that you were right. How much I believe that now, I don't know...) for some point. And then, after a short fight with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kaijumaster over my projected arrogance (I didn't perceive it - it's the Merlin problem) to which he ended up contacting one of the fire extinguisher housings (it was mostly grappling, and then, well, I used the physics against him.). After that point, things settled down a bit. Perhaps it was some sort of signal that I was human after all. Just... bright. Either than, or I presented a backbone, one of the two. High school wasn't too much of a problem. Rather than having actual people strike at me (there were some, but it was more of a "Why do you try so hard? Why are you wrecking the curve? Are you human?" questioning rather than emotional assault. Again, I wrap myself in the armour of the instructors and the extracurriculars...) it was more a matter of noting the prevailing winds of the high school and how they stacked against peoples of my disposition. (They still do - on that part, I'm convinced.) I made a social group there, and we got along and turned our noses up at the popular clique as they turned their noses up at us. I felt a bit more jack-of-many-trades like because I had the occasional friend outside my clique circle. But not many.
Well, there was the transition to university. But though here, since the standards started catching up to me, I'm become less afraid of being wrong some of the time (all of the time would just suck). I can take lesser grades if the courses were particularly punishing. Which some were. So I'm a little less afraid of being wrong. This is good, at least for my intellect. My emotive/social side, however, has improved considerably, but it doesn't catch up, and hasn't yet. You see, I think that my fear of being wrong shifted focus. It transformed into a fear of hanging myself out to dry. In a social situation where there's a "hook", a common interest, something to make conversation with, I can be outgoing. No guarantees - I can be among a group of people I know and still cling to the walls. It's a tricky part. As a few people found out (andblacktigr continues to get after me about), it takes me a time or two to get warmed up enough around a group to interact on a more familiar level. For the first few times, I'm deathly afraid of making a social gaffe. (This sounds familiar. I've been here before, I'm sure.) The more I learn about the way things work in the group, the less afraid I become of screwing up. I might be a bit of a chameleon, first blending to the walls, then blending to the group. Whether I actually show myself off can be a matter of debate. Anyway, see how this loops into yesterday's piece? I've been afraid of being wrong when the standards were low, that I try to keep them low so that I don't put myself on that vulnerable pedestal. Even if there really isn't anybody around who will attack me. It's really rather silly, isn't it?
So I'm behaving like my Western astrological sign, shelling up. Isn't that peachy?
As promised, there is a second part to last night's insecurities. I worked this part out with someone else over IM while I was composing the first part. Like most traumas, this goes back to my childhood (sorry, gratuitous melodrama.)
Yeah. So I said that it might go all the way back to being a child. You see, I'm apparently in the higher scores when it comes to intellect. That I use it so thoughtlessly and unwisely is another matter entirely. The education system's standards and teachings for my grade level were below what I was capable of doing. And my parents never told me to do anything but full-bore intellect. So I excelled. That's great, right? Well, excepting that as a child, I'm a bit fragile emotionally. Because I excel so much, on the occasions where I'm not perfect, or even right, my psyche suffers considerably. It's not something I was used to. It didn't help that I think (think now - may be an exaggeration, probably is, but when you're a child.. or even a high-schooler, everything seems bigger than it probably is. I might still be suffering under that delusion...) that the other classmates were laughing at me or making fun of me when it happened. Being "only human" to another child, I feel, is a matter of great glee and ammunition for any would-be tormentors. Setting oneself up on the pedestal like that makes it hurt harder when there is the occasional fall (and moreso if there's an angry mob waiting for you down there.) Anyway, so there was a lot of hurt when wrong... that only stiffened the resolve to never be wrong, which hurt when it happened again, et cetera. I could have skipped grades, too, but that would have been disaster, and mother knew it.
My teachers, especially getting up into the elementary grades, were also all for me going full-bore academics, so much that I took high-school geometry in the sixth grade. (Passed it, by the way, with a B. Could have been better had I the algebra behind it, which I took in grade seven, and then onward to the post-geometry algebra in grade eight. Anyway, getting ahead of myself...) By getting to the end of my elementary career, I was a doing well in cerebral matters, but in other areas of development along the psyche, probably lagging behind. There was the change to public schooling, where it felt like things continued (Duh, Silver - it’s because you didn't adjust your tactics. Your parents were telling you that everyone else was wrong and that you were right. How much I believe that now, I don't know...) for some point. And then, after a short fight with
kaijumaster over my projected arrogance (I didn't perceive it - it's the Merlin problem) to which he ended up contacting one of the fire extinguisher housings (it was mostly grappling, and then, well, I used the physics against him.). After that point, things settled down a bit. Perhaps it was some sort of signal that I was human after all. Just... bright. Either than, or I presented a backbone, one of the two. High school wasn't too much of a problem. Rather than having actual people strike at me (there were some, but it was more of a "Why do you try so hard? Why are you wrecking the curve? Are you human?" questioning rather than emotional assault. Again, I wrap myself in the armour of the instructors and the extracurriculars...) it was more a matter of noting the prevailing winds of the high school and how they stacked against peoples of my disposition. (They still do - on that part, I'm convinced.) I made a social group there, and we got along and turned our noses up at the popular clique as they turned their noses up at us. I felt a bit more jack-of-many-trades like because I had the occasional friend outside my clique circle. But not many. Well, there was the transition to university. But though here, since the standards started catching up to me, I'm become less afraid of being wrong some of the time (all of the time would just suck). I can take lesser grades if the courses were particularly punishing. Which some were. So I'm a little less afraid of being wrong. This is good, at least for my intellect. My emotive/social side, however, has improved considerably, but it doesn't catch up, and hasn't yet. You see, I think that my fear of being wrong shifted focus. It transformed into a fear of hanging myself out to dry. In a social situation where there's a "hook", a common interest, something to make conversation with, I can be outgoing. No guarantees - I can be among a group of people I know and still cling to the walls. It's a tricky part. As a few people found out (and
blacktigr continues to get after me about), it takes me a time or two to get warmed up enough around a group to interact on a more familiar level. For the first few times, I'm deathly afraid of making a social gaffe. (This sounds familiar. I've been here before, I'm sure.) The more I learn about the way things work in the group, the less afraid I become of screwing up. I might be a bit of a chameleon, first blending to the walls, then blending to the group. Whether I actually show myself off can be a matter of debate. Anyway, see how this loops into yesterday's piece? I've been afraid of being wrong when the standards were low, that I try to keep them low so that I don't put myself on that vulnerable pedestal. Even if there really isn't anybody around who will attack me. It's really rather silly, isn't it? So I'm behaving like my Western astrological sign, shelling up. Isn't that peachy?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 04:40 pm (UTC)We all get over it eventually. We eventually take note of the one source of all our woes: ourselves. You've done that, now take the next step.
When you find it, let me know.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-02 05:00 pm (UTC)