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I had a pretty long talk with one of the members of the Fraternity today about office, about life, and about how much the Wings are having a bad road trip right about now. I learned something new, actually, and while I can say that it wasn't startling, it did make me think about myself again.
You see, I have this weird condition. I'm used to having answers. The War of 1812. Trotsky. The cotton gin. Stupendous Man. Stuff like that. I've been trained that there is such a thing as 'right' and that proper amounts of study and intellect will allow one to arrive at something that is 'right'. The model breaks down, however, when the subject and object of the inquiry is oneself. The craving for certainty still exists, however, right now, I'm not sure about anything. I have great respect and envy for those who can be certain of their beliefs. I'm still worried about![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
welah, even though I've now met torakiyoshi. It's that sort of doubt that I'm striving to eliminate, but I'm not sure it goes away. Can I allow myself to live with an uncertainty, especially if that uncertainty is internal?
It was so much easier being a child. Whatever the parents said was true was true. If it wasn't for this obsession with magic and fantasy literature, I probably wouldn't have arrived where I am now. I have friends who are gays, goths, Christians, furries, feminists, of different races, creeds, and social distinctions... generally a bunch of f**ked up people. (But in a good way. Sameness was what I wanted to escape when I came to University) But they all seem so confident. What am I, the island of uncertainty, supposed to do about it?
I think I'm going to talk with the drum major again. I'm not sure how this internal debate gets resolved. And I'm not sure if resolution is even the way to go about it.
You see, I have this weird condition. I'm used to having answers. The War of 1812. Trotsky. The cotton gin. Stupendous Man. Stuff like that. I've been trained that there is such a thing as 'right' and that proper amounts of study and intellect will allow one to arrive at something that is 'right'. The model breaks down, however, when the subject and object of the inquiry is oneself. The craving for certainty still exists, however, right now, I'm not sure about anything. I have great respect and envy for those who can be certain of their beliefs. I'm still worried about
welah, even though I've now met torakiyoshi. It's that sort of doubt that I'm striving to eliminate, but I'm not sure it goes away. Can I allow myself to live with an uncertainty, especially if that uncertainty is internal? It was so much easier being a child. Whatever the parents said was true was true. If it wasn't for this obsession with magic and fantasy literature, I probably wouldn't have arrived where I am now. I have friends who are gays, goths, Christians, furries, feminists, of different races, creeds, and social distinctions... generally a bunch of f**ked up people. (But in a good way. Sameness was what I wanted to escape when I came to University) But they all seem so confident. What am I, the island of uncertainty, supposed to do about it?
I think I'm going to talk with the drum major again. I'm not sure how this internal debate gets resolved. And I'm not sure if resolution is even the way to go about it.
