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Randomized musings...
Jul. 3rd, 2004 12:57 amNo particular point, necessarily, but a coredump from the moral/religious/philosophical sections of my mind, possibly involving other ones in subtler shades. If you're not into that stuff, you can skip this whole entry.
It was easier then. Back when there was only One True Path, and I could be secure in that thought. Back then, since I was surrounded by a bunch of people who thought the same way, and they said that they were True Believers, I didn't entertain the possibility of there being another way. Childlike innocence, perhaps, or more likely a lack of radically different-thinking people.
Exploring the bounds of things in middle school with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
welah, laforce, and several of the others there, I may have pushed my horizons a bit, but I was looking for differences, things that were not similar. I still thought there was One True Way, but it said that people who believed in the same main ideas were Okay, and that they were worth having as friends. To some degree, it was probably a one-way mirror, because I'm not sure that those people thought of me the same way.
But there was this problematic little idea. It called itself Magic - the whole throwing fireballs and calling down lightning bolts bit. While I still haven't figured that part out, at least not without some serious help from a special effects crew, it exposed me to the idea that there were entire belief systems other than the group that I was used to - a completely foreign conception of the universe and its workings. Where once there was Prayer alone, now the idea of Magic gained an association with it. The two were potentially compatible, in my opinion, and didn't have to do a whole lot to merge.
Then the other shoe dropped. Magic, as I found out, had no place in the One True Way - it was considered to be a construction of The Enemy. Prayer was acceptable, Magic was not. And so I hid, and still do, to some degree, this conception of Magic. I have to say, public schooling at this time was a salvation.
And so I started seeing the two systems at odds with each other. The secure belief that I was following the One True Way shattered. I defected to the other belief system, partly out of spite, partly because I wanted to keep the idea of Magic as a workable idea.
Then came the floodgates. Having opened my brain to the possibility of one alternate system, the thousands arrived, both religious and philosophical, each demanding study as a possibly suitable replacement for my lost Way. And thus have I passed the time, studying systems (although not many of them), even returning to the one that I had started at, but viewing it with a different eye, one looking for wisdom contained in it, instead of dogma to be followed.
Now here I am, out in the sea of belief, hopping from iceberg to iceberg, looking for the shore. Most would say that I'm having a crisis of faith, but I don't think that's true. I have faith in the systems that are presented to me, that they will work for the people they are intended for. I've posited that all people have a religion, even atheists. I still think this is true.
- It's morality that I'm having a crisis of. If I can find a system that holds all the things that I want, and has a higher authority of some sort that I can ascribe blessings and failures to, then I could be secure and know that I am doing Right, following the One True Way. However, I have found that many systems constructed by others have hidden sides, dark flaws, or at the very least have the provisions in them to be able to justify actions totally counter to the ideas they espouse. In that same way, all of my ideas about Right and Wrong have also come under suspicion, and I worry that I cannot stand as an adequate sentinel against my own dark side. That thought is terrifying, paralyzing, causing second guesses about motivations, even if the actions are deemed to be Right.
So then where is the viable option? A constructed system may have shortcomings, a system of my own construction may not have my confidence in it. I cannot find my One True Way anymore, and with only myself to use as authority, I do not believe I can construct a perfect One True Way.
The camp of Discordia, the Taoists, and several others shout "F**k systems! Stop seeing the world and trying to make distinctions. Less This or That, more Not This and Not That." Such a thing appears beyond the grasp of my mind, yet there are others who can achieve it - this I know, with unshakeable conviction. Perhaps I doubt my own abilities to achieve this state. It could be the phenomenon of seeing myself from the inside, and others from the outside - a distinction, yet again.welah has told me before that he is envious of the way that I approach belief and the systems of belief. At the same time, I can tell both him, torakyioshi, and others that I am supremely envious of their conviction that the system they follow is the correct one. Perhaps both of us would like to trade those positives with each other.
So what do I do? I've got wise men to the left of me, and jokers to the right, and here I am - stuck in the middle, but with who?
It was easier then. Back when there was only One True Path, and I could be secure in that thought. Back then, since I was surrounded by a bunch of people who thought the same way, and they said that they were True Believers, I didn't entertain the possibility of there being another way. Childlike innocence, perhaps, or more likely a lack of radically different-thinking people.
Exploring the bounds of things in middle school with
welah, laforce, and several of the others there, I may have pushed my horizons a bit, but I was looking for differences, things that were not similar. I still thought there was One True Way, but it said that people who believed in the same main ideas were Okay, and that they were worth having as friends. To some degree, it was probably a one-way mirror, because I'm not sure that those people thought of me the same way.But there was this problematic little idea. It called itself Magic - the whole throwing fireballs and calling down lightning bolts bit. While I still haven't figured that part out, at least not without some serious help from a special effects crew, it exposed me to the idea that there were entire belief systems other than the group that I was used to - a completely foreign conception of the universe and its workings. Where once there was Prayer alone, now the idea of Magic gained an association with it. The two were potentially compatible, in my opinion, and didn't have to do a whole lot to merge.
Then the other shoe dropped. Magic, as I found out, had no place in the One True Way - it was considered to be a construction of The Enemy. Prayer was acceptable, Magic was not. And so I hid, and still do, to some degree, this conception of Magic. I have to say, public schooling at this time was a salvation.
And so I started seeing the two systems at odds with each other. The secure belief that I was following the One True Way shattered. I defected to the other belief system, partly out of spite, partly because I wanted to keep the idea of Magic as a workable idea.
Then came the floodgates. Having opened my brain to the possibility of one alternate system, the thousands arrived, both religious and philosophical, each demanding study as a possibly suitable replacement for my lost Way. And thus have I passed the time, studying systems (although not many of them), even returning to the one that I had started at, but viewing it with a different eye, one looking for wisdom contained in it, instead of dogma to be followed.
Now here I am, out in the sea of belief, hopping from iceberg to iceberg, looking for the shore. Most would say that I'm having a crisis of faith, but I don't think that's true. I have faith in the systems that are presented to me, that they will work for the people they are intended for. I've posited that all people have a religion, even atheists. I still think this is true.
- It's morality that I'm having a crisis of. If I can find a system that holds all the things that I want, and has a higher authority of some sort that I can ascribe blessings and failures to, then I could be secure and know that I am doing Right, following the One True Way. However, I have found that many systems constructed by others have hidden sides, dark flaws, or at the very least have the provisions in them to be able to justify actions totally counter to the ideas they espouse. In that same way, all of my ideas about Right and Wrong have also come under suspicion, and I worry that I cannot stand as an adequate sentinel against my own dark side. That thought is terrifying, paralyzing, causing second guesses about motivations, even if the actions are deemed to be Right.
So then where is the viable option? A constructed system may have shortcomings, a system of my own construction may not have my confidence in it. I cannot find my One True Way anymore, and with only myself to use as authority, I do not believe I can construct a perfect One True Way.
The camp of Discordia, the Taoists, and several others shout "F**k systems! Stop seeing the world and trying to make distinctions. Less This or That, more Not This and Not That." Such a thing appears beyond the grasp of my mind, yet there are others who can achieve it - this I know, with unshakeable conviction. Perhaps I doubt my own abilities to achieve this state. It could be the phenomenon of seeing myself from the inside, and others from the outside - a distinction, yet again.
welah has told me before that he is envious of the way that I approach belief and the systems of belief. At the same time, I can tell both him, torakyioshi, and others that I am supremely envious of their conviction that the system they follow is the correct one. Perhaps both of us would like to trade those positives with each other. So what do I do? I've got wise men to the left of me, and jokers to the right, and here I am - stuck in the middle, but with who?
