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...the time you see is... real. I just got in from a fraternity function - and I'm not as tired as I would normally be. I'm not bolstered by caffeine, really. I should be knuckle-dragging, but I'm not, really. At least I'm not seeing flying saucers. But I had fun, and probably learned a lot more about relationships than I think I did. Even though my attention kept wobbling in between the gaming going on and the girl talking. Yet, even for my inability to multitask, I don't think I lost too much in the deal. Although I may not have actually gained anything, either. Problem of not being in a relationship - other people's experiences only count for so much.

A bit apprehensive, I am, about engaging in a relationship - seeing both the good and the vile effects of them makes things much more interesting for me. Especially since the more I see of them, the more I think I'm completely unqualified for one. The adage about the clue-by-four still applies.

Plus, I'm confuzzled again. I think I know something that I think I know, but haven't had anyone officially say to me, or if they did, it was something I wasn't supposed to remember, and so I didn't. But I saw a sign of it again and wondered whether I had been told of this and just hadn't seen anything to reinforce it, as well as the possibility of some other things being true. Very confusing, but it would be somewhat impolite of me to ask about it, I think. Just because it really shouldn't matter at all to me. The only reason I'd want to know is so that I could avoid giving offense over the matter... it would be unintentional, but it would be better if it didn't happen. Confused you guys enough yet? It's one of those things I'd rather say without saying, because to make the wrong assumption would be foolish, but curiosity would like to know so that I don't look foolish. Catch-Twenty-Two. Maybe I'll ask someone else, with the appropriate prefacing and bowing and scraping and disclaiming and get an answer and not look like an idiot in the process. Probably not possible, but I can try. Still, something best left for tomorrow. Today. Whatever.

Dolphins use language, but do they ever worry about being P.C. (The Pope apparently doesn't, if you read the latest from him. Abortions and genocides are really two different things.)

*sigh* Oh well. If I look like an idiot, so be it. It won't be the first time, and it certainly won't be the last, and if I can hide behind honest curiosity, then I might squeak by with minor blows.

Tonight's quandary.

Well, actually, first some mundanity and advertisement from our sponsors.

The mundane was that our college's women’s' basketball team played tonight. And for 3/4 of the game, hung with the opposition. Then the shots stopped falling in, and the problems started. GAH! Our (the trombone section) adopted senior (the lesser star) had a career night... her first game in double-digit scoring. She hit the first points of the game from beyond the 3-point arc. It had the makings of being a good game, even a win. And it self-destructed a bit. And so we were disappointed.

And then there was cleanup - fraternity fundraising bit - not hard, just time-consuming. Tomorrow, shopping to do, possibly a visit to the arcade, if I feel like it. Ah, well.

Perhaps there is good in this. Someone seems to have found the magical power in poo, so perhaps I should channel all of that stinking into a productive end. Maybe. Then again, J.C. was a bottom-feeder at the fragfest, and there's this guy who created robots out of toys (NSFW, but a laugh at the office, probably), so perhaps all this shit's not quite what it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, they're all jokes. Take them seriously, like you're supposed to. Unless, perhaps you're someone plotting to destroy the earth, and then you really don't have much in the way of time to do this, do you?

Now that I've been mundane and worked in my product placements, I can get to the contemplative section of tonight's entry. Those with an aversion to such matters, good night. You need not read past this point.

Tonight features an expansion of the material covered yesterday, and a possibly new, possibly (un)related, material to that. Expanding, then, on yesterday's department, the matter about my relationships and the matter that I was confused about are separate. The confusion resulted from a behavior of a friend of mine - it set off a speculation in my head. The confusion resulted when conflicting data both manifested themselves in my head - I had heard one thing, seen another, and possibly heard something that reinforced the speculation of the seeing. The problem is - neither of the heards are particularly cemented as having been heard or implied enough to have been picked up on. Again, I really shouldn't care, since the result doesn't really affect me at all. The only reason I would want to know is to avoid giving an unintentional offense.

So I'll lay out a hypothetical and pray nobody notices, right? ( Said Hypothetical )

That's the confusion. The bit about relationships can probably describe itself best in a self-paradoxical statement - From what I have gathered, there is a great potential that any relationship I enter into will crash. This produces the paradox - I would like to try a relationship, yet I have a strong suspicion that were I to do so, I would screw it up horribly. As some of my commenters noted, looking like an idiot is a natural thing, and I'd probably look like an idiot at least once, if not more. How do I get around or resolve the paradox of self-doubt? Setting myself up for a fall would suck, but I'm not going to know whether I'll fall down unless I get up. So here I sit, somewhat paralyzed.

This is probably something normal to most people, and I'm over-dramatizing it. I see good, working relationships and I see flaming wreckages. Both are possible, so why do I think I fall on the side that will wreck? Is that normal?

The other contemplative exercise for tonight is in my tendency to chronicle myself. It's a habit to put up these entries, even when they only contain material that has probably no interest beyond simple chronicling. I somehow doubt that people are riveted to their screens, awaiting the latest revelations of my life (a la The Truman Show). Besides, I'm sure that in the expanse of LJ, there are scores of people who do drama much better than I do. And with much less material to work with, as well. So, if it's not really something earth-shattering, why am I putting it in here?

It's not filler, really, but it's not "important" material, really, since it's usually one or two things that happened in the day that spark the second-level writing. Yet if I didn't include them, I think a lot of entries would feel "off", and there would be certainly less entries. But it seems, well, counterproductive not to include such stuff and against the grain of why I signed up for the service. Maybe it's the thought of being able to pass off things like my daily activities and have other people read about them and care - the idea of having an audience for my daily life is interesting, especially since I control what you see and hear (no fiddling with the television set). Maybe it's trying to narrate my own life in a way that makes it more interesting. If that were the case, though, I'd say that I suck at spicing up my life. So why do I do this stuff? For all the reasons I can think of, I'm not doing a particularly good job.

Ah, well, stuff for people to chew on, if they feel like it. And I suppose that option's always the important one.