Entry Two: Matters of the Mind and memory
Jun. 7th, 2006 12:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptAs most of my revelations do, this one came while not thinking about it - or in some ways, thinking obliquely about it. I've been tossing around the idea of writing some sort of Potter fiction, but from the vantage point of a new DaDa (Dada - you may make both art and infancy jokes - both are appropariate here) teacher, and likely now to be past the events set in the actual Potter series, although it's likely that a lot of the names will stay the same. (Which bodes ill for Salazar's house, because they'll be losing a lot of points due to inattentive students.) This is mixed somewhat with going over ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bladespark's Blood and Fire, (haven't finished it, so this is a partway through musing) of which the main male hero, Aidan Rhiannon, is more use getting into trouble than getting out of it. Going over the story as I have read it so far, though, I thought "You know, even so, with all the stuff he's gone through, he's more of a hero than I am." And, to some degree, that was a depressing thought. (Of course, I am comparing myself, with no enhancement, to someone, for all his faults, who is still a vampire, and before that, an aerian. May be a tad of an unfair comparison, but it does say something about character writing that Aidan's not ridiculously Sue, and not too close to it) And through that, I came up on the subject that I've been turning over in my head.
I want to be memorable. Statistically speaking, I won't be that to more than maybe two generations of my own family, and perhaps the occasional other person that I consider a friend in those generations. I feel like I'm forgettable, and that distresses me significantly. (Could be my own absentmindedness showing through. Still profoundly nervous that I'm not making a good impression on one of my important mentors at work, but that's a side story, and I'm hoping that clears up as work progresses.) I don't feel like I'm memorable to people, and so I've always got a quick joke (at my own expense or no), a "hook", or something that draws some attention. Of course, I know better than to be a one-trick pony. Even more so, I feel like I'm forgettable to my friends, that if it wasn't for my presence reminding them of me, I'd soon pass from their minds. Maybe it's this non-permanent life I've been living for the last six years here - and the deliberate intent to put distance between me and my high school's residents. That's ten years with a few friends that stay constant and a lot that change. My most stable crew of people are all net-based. Having bandos for the first four helped, but even then, I'm passing into the Old Guard. In another year, I'll get another degree, pack myself into little tubs and head somewhere else, where hopefully, I'll set up shop for a few years of my life. Hopefully.
I'm going to be twenty-three and not graduated from college yet. I've got one degree that will look nice on the wall, and possibly be useful for trivia of my life and the occasional "WTF?" from someone if I remember a particularly obscure tidbit I picked up somewhere. (Although, with how the parents and I play trivia games, there's more than just a few "WTF" lurking). I'll have another degree, and then turn twenty-four. Nearly a quarter of a century gone, and finally just starting to work out the rest of my life. I've gone to a university where the sizes of the graduating classes number in the thousands. For these twenty-three years of my life, I've been forgettable. I have my little trinkets and tokens that remind me of the things I've done, the things I want to remember about my life, but they're all for my sake. I don't feel like I've done anything memorable or major. (I also feel like that's a direct contradiction of something I've said earlier... or resolved not to worry about earlier. Mood swings are another thing to watch for in this journal. In January, I'll list the things I've done so far, and in June I'll say they don't amount to a whole lot) The standards probably keep changing, though - I could win a blogging prize, and claim it wasn't good enough because it wasn't the biggest blog prize and I wasn't world-famous.
Dragging my expectations back down to reality, though, I haven't done or said anything that would make me famous in any respect. I'm not really that quotable (or I don't see it), and I don't feel like I'm leaving much of an imprint on anyone (this is most like a strong case of not seeing it even though it's staring me right in the face). Why do I want to be a hero? Well, the doing good bit is good, but there's a strong component of being remembered to that. (The down side is, of course, heroism is like potato chips: You can't eat just one, and there are never enough chips to feed everyone's hunger. Really, you need pizza or beer to go with the chips.) Might be why I don't get the chance to do the hero thing - bad motives. Of course, I'm sort of maneuvering myself into a position where I'm not really going to be memorable to people for a long time, either. I might have to settle in for the long-term approach and hope that ten or twenty years after I read a story to someone, they remember me and send a thank-you or something.
It's all very selfish, really. I want fame and glory for myself, yet I can feel that given the chance to take some credit, I'll pass it off to someone else, because I'll feel that they did more. I want that unmistakably mine solo effort that everyone remembers. At the same time, right about now, I want to say something like "Shut up, M, I still think you're wrong. My craving for memory does not mean that I can't try to be a person who can and will help others a lot of the time. In fact, if I can just do a big enough good work, then I'll be remembered for a good thing."
"Be not like the hypocrites, who stand on the street corners and pray loudly. I assure you, they have already received their reward."
Oh... yeah. Right. Wrong reasons, again. Very bad idea to do good for your own glory. More often than not, you end up stopping the good when the glory's not there, and that's not very good at all. (Unless it's something that can replicate itself as a good, like an endowment - then the good continues regardless of any further glory that accrues to you. It's memorable, in its own way, but it often requires significant amounts of capital, something I don't have right now.) Pretty easy way to gain memory is to do evils of a grand scale, but that's not my trade, nor do I even want to get close to that. So if I'm remembered for a big bad thing, it had better damn well have been an accident.
Yeah, I get kind of blue when I get thoughtful. Unfortunate consequence, I guess. Of course, stopping thinking is not a welcome activity, either, no matter how many people close their minds and find all they need with their eyes. There's got to be happy things in this world that can take up this kind of space in my mind and get a thorough examination. Unfortunately, the only one I can think of at the moment is love and relationships, and that's a very "turtle!" subject right now.
Past my bedtime writing this pontification - work in the morning and all that. G'night, people who read my words.
bladespark's Blood and Fire, (haven't finished it, so this is a partway through musing) of which the main male hero, Aidan Rhiannon, is more use getting into trouble than getting out of it. Going over the story as I have read it so far, though, I thought "You know, even so, with all the stuff he's gone through, he's more of a hero than I am." And, to some degree, that was a depressing thought. (Of course, I am comparing myself, with no enhancement, to someone, for all his faults, who is still a vampire, and before that, an aerian. May be a tad of an unfair comparison, but it does say something about character writing that Aidan's not ridiculously Sue, and not too close to it) And through that, I came up on the subject that I've been turning over in my head. I want to be memorable. Statistically speaking, I won't be that to more than maybe two generations of my own family, and perhaps the occasional other person that I consider a friend in those generations. I feel like I'm forgettable, and that distresses me significantly. (Could be my own absentmindedness showing through. Still profoundly nervous that I'm not making a good impression on one of my important mentors at work, but that's a side story, and I'm hoping that clears up as work progresses.) I don't feel like I'm memorable to people, and so I've always got a quick joke (at my own expense or no), a "hook", or something that draws some attention. Of course, I know better than to be a one-trick pony. Even more so, I feel like I'm forgettable to my friends, that if it wasn't for my presence reminding them of me, I'd soon pass from their minds. Maybe it's this non-permanent life I've been living for the last six years here - and the deliberate intent to put distance between me and my high school's residents. That's ten years with a few friends that stay constant and a lot that change. My most stable crew of people are all net-based. Having bandos for the first four helped, but even then, I'm passing into the Old Guard. In another year, I'll get another degree, pack myself into little tubs and head somewhere else, where hopefully, I'll set up shop for a few years of my life. Hopefully.
I'm going to be twenty-three and not graduated from college yet. I've got one degree that will look nice on the wall, and possibly be useful for trivia of my life and the occasional "WTF?" from someone if I remember a particularly obscure tidbit I picked up somewhere. (Although, with how the parents and I play trivia games, there's more than just a few "WTF" lurking). I'll have another degree, and then turn twenty-four. Nearly a quarter of a century gone, and finally just starting to work out the rest of my life. I've gone to a university where the sizes of the graduating classes number in the thousands. For these twenty-three years of my life, I've been forgettable. I have my little trinkets and tokens that remind me of the things I've done, the things I want to remember about my life, but they're all for my sake. I don't feel like I've done anything memorable or major. (I also feel like that's a direct contradiction of something I've said earlier... or resolved not to worry about earlier. Mood swings are another thing to watch for in this journal. In January, I'll list the things I've done so far, and in June I'll say they don't amount to a whole lot) The standards probably keep changing, though - I could win a blogging prize, and claim it wasn't good enough because it wasn't the biggest blog prize and I wasn't world-famous.
Dragging my expectations back down to reality, though, I haven't done or said anything that would make me famous in any respect. I'm not really that quotable (or I don't see it), and I don't feel like I'm leaving much of an imprint on anyone (this is most like a strong case of not seeing it even though it's staring me right in the face). Why do I want to be a hero? Well, the doing good bit is good, but there's a strong component of being remembered to that. (The down side is, of course, heroism is like potato chips: You can't eat just one, and there are never enough chips to feed everyone's hunger. Really, you need pizza or beer to go with the chips.) Might be why I don't get the chance to do the hero thing - bad motives. Of course, I'm sort of maneuvering myself into a position where I'm not really going to be memorable to people for a long time, either. I might have to settle in for the long-term approach and hope that ten or twenty years after I read a story to someone, they remember me and send a thank-you or something.
It's all very selfish, really. I want fame and glory for myself, yet I can feel that given the chance to take some credit, I'll pass it off to someone else, because I'll feel that they did more. I want that unmistakably mine solo effort that everyone remembers. At the same time, right about now, I want to say something like "Shut up, M, I still think you're wrong. My craving for memory does not mean that I can't try to be a person who can and will help others a lot of the time. In fact, if I can just do a big enough good work, then I'll be remembered for a good thing."
"Be not like the hypocrites, who stand on the street corners and pray loudly. I assure you, they have already received their reward."
Oh... yeah. Right. Wrong reasons, again. Very bad idea to do good for your own glory. More often than not, you end up stopping the good when the glory's not there, and that's not very good at all. (Unless it's something that can replicate itself as a good, like an endowment - then the good continues regardless of any further glory that accrues to you. It's memorable, in its own way, but it often requires significant amounts of capital, something I don't have right now.) Pretty easy way to gain memory is to do evils of a grand scale, but that's not my trade, nor do I even want to get close to that. So if I'm remembered for a big bad thing, it had better damn well have been an accident.
Yeah, I get kind of blue when I get thoughtful. Unfortunate consequence, I guess. Of course, stopping thinking is not a welcome activity, either, no matter how many people close their minds and find all they need with their eyes. There's got to be happy things in this world that can take up this kind of space in my mind and get a thorough examination. Unfortunately, the only one I can think of at the moment is love and relationships, and that's a very "turtle!" subject right now.
Past my bedtime writing this pontification - work in the morning and all that. G'night, people who read my words.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 04:44 am (UTC)I want fame and glory for myself, yet I can feel that given the chance to take some credit, I'll pass it off to someone else, because I'll feel that they did more
This reminds me of the whole not recognizing your own talents/gifts as praise worthy because they come easy thing that I believe both of us have posted about at some time or another
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 04:50 am (UTC)I guess what I'm trying to say is that most of us don't get the chance to see what we'd do in a real crisis. We don't have such things, so we have to prove ourselves in more mundane ways. And I think you do fairly well. Every human has room for improvement somewhere, but you're a helping kind of person. And I find you more memorable than many. *smiles*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 07:10 am (UTC)It doesn't really matter anyway, rememberances have more to do with the person remembering than the one being remembered. If nothing else make your place in the universal memory. Do some good, help out and make sure the flow of the universal narative is adjusted (no matter how slightly) for the better.
Above all, you've got to do something. Inaction never got anyone remembered*, only action does that.
*this is not 100% true, but I choose to ignore that because my only other recourse here involves frying pans.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 10:39 am (UTC)I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. First of all, you have friends who enjoy your company, and trust me, you'll be memorable to those of us whos lives you have touched. It maybe nothing more than a snapshot in a scrapbook, but it will be there. Or a friend will reminisce about high school or college to their children and mention you. Sometime being memorable *isn't* that obvious. i don't think you want piles of adoring fans fawning over you.
I do know what you mean. I've always thought I'd leave some form of lasting impression in this world...and then I realized that doing sometihng like that is near mpossible, but what I can do is leave an impression on the people who's lives I touched. It might not be an immediate thing, but someday, one of the students I had in HOBY or mentored in KEY Club might come back and say "if it wasn't for becca, i might not be doing this".
As a Youth Librarian, you'll come across a lot of children who need guidance. It may not be the type of memorable thing where they remember your name and all, but I have very fond memories of the librarains at the local library from when I was in elementary school. I also have fond memories of the woman who ran the local book shop we used to go to. Again, I can't tell you her name, but the impact she made on my life is very evident. We might not have even read Anne of Green Gables if it wasn't for her suggestion. (And this would have been a very bad thing)
Also, we would enjoy you writing a potter-ish fic, and say go for it.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 10:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 10:41 am (UTC)Remembered--yes. In the end, it comes down to what your objectives are. Is it that you want to change the world: to be remembered after you death? If so, then which remembrance? Your name, your face, your actions, your life? The only way to preserve everything you were is to record it yourself.
If you want to be acknowledged, respected or admired while you live, then that's a different desire, with different means and a different end. Take the example of artists who lived out their lives in mediocrity, only to become famous after they ceased breathing.
Whatever you wish, find your objectives, their paths, and stick to them.
Many paths can coincide; one can profit from all their results, or some, or none.
Good rather than evil, virtue rather than sin... it's all in what you want to achieve.
If you're honest with yourself about your desire for glory, then a little egomania doesn't matter: as long as you still do those things which will get you glory, likely precisely for that purpose, the fruits will still be yours.
Or to put it another way... everyone appreciates the efficient cog in the background. No one on the stage likes to be upstaged, and that's why you have to force them to acknowledge you if it chokes them. Do deeds so great that no one can deny them, be brazen and unashamed, never start thinking of yourself as inherently different or 'above' the rest, and for your deeds--probably not for who you are, but rather for your deeds alone--you will be cheered.
Fix your eyes on that goal, and head to it. All else are daydreams.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 10:51 pm (UTC)As for the not recognizing talent, yeah, that's part of it. I don't see that the piece I put in there is holding the whole thing together because I'm too busy admiring someone else's cover art.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 10:58 pm (UTC)I suppose proving myself in mundane ways runs into the blinders I have on seeing my own talents and the good they do. I guess I'm just not in the right place most of the time to see how I've helped someone, if I did. That breeds doubt, and eventually the doubt ends up spilling out in posts like these.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 11:01 pm (UTC)If memories are more about the person remembering, then I'm not entirely sure being memorable is anything I can do - that's kind of sad, too. Never knowing whether anyone actually carries a memory of you, good or bad, is a little disheartening.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-07 11:03 pm (UTC)