Moroseness?

[silveradept]

It was an interesting day today. Went looking for work and found none. But that's okay.

Second, had a chat with CAVI, the drum major of our band, and came away with a better understanding of what Christianity probably ought to look like. In addition, I gained some valuable insight into the psyche of a committed Christian. I still state for the record that I envy people who are committed to their faith. That part was interesting, hearing it from one who walks the path.

That's the happy part, I suppose.

Now, and as a tip-off to the material that follows, a Quizilla:


You are the Social Anxiety disorder rock! :(


::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

How true.

I'm not sure whether the mood (and the rant) that follows is just a seasonal thing, but every now and then I feel like it, so... (This post deliberately left open to all, because if it were friends-only, I'd feel like I was bitching about nothing...)

...I'm having trouble with identity. I'm certainly not the best at anything here at Michigan, I hold no powerful offices, (I sit last chair in my section...) I don't have a significant other, I'm still looking for a belief system, and I'm really having trouble finding some uniquely identifying characteristic that I can latch onto and say, "ME!" It's slightly depressive when you're worried that if you were to fade out today, there would be nothing lasting to remember you by, not even in the people you hang out with.

So I'm having identity problems. I'm not depressive to do something stupid, worry not, and this, like most of my thoughts, will probably disappear when I get properly distracted again. But it returns every now and then. Contemplating one's relation to the world and the cosmos makes one feel abundantly small and inadequate.

I suppose that's part of my envy of people like CAVI. I don't think he ever worries about this bit, because his faith in a higher being that personally looks after him keeps him from believing that he's a single in a multitude.

One person can easily leave a mark, I'm sure, but I'm not sure if I've left any at all. And that's not a nice thing to think about. Of course, my brain rationalizes and says, "Surely somewhere there is the imprint of your existence. That should be enough for you." Well, it would be, if I could see it. I want to know that's true. And thus, I have identity problems. For even then, I worry that I would say that I only find myself in relation to other people, that I'm still lacking something unique that constructs me, rather than seeing myself as a reflection of other people.

What do I say to this that I can believe? How do I tell myself that I do exist, uniquely? Where do I find myself? And how do I convince myself that what is there truly is me? (And what happens if all I can see that is uniquely me are faults?)

Ideas? Suggestions? Similar conundrums?

Comments

[sporklord.livejournal.com]

I feel that way quite often as well. So I try to do something that sets me apart and makes me feel more like... me. I'm that guy with long hair; I'm that guy with the big coat; I'm that guy who writes songs about robots.

I guess the only advice I can give you would be to do what you like to do. You don't have to be the best at it as long as it makes you happy. Think about what you aspire to, what you dream about. Even if you don't tell anyone else, it's still yours.

Hmm...

[silveradept]

Maybe this will go away, then, if i get my Masters of Library Science and go set up shop somewhere.

For right nowm the Bachelor of Gen Studies is still helping me retain the idea that I'm a faceless grunt.

[welah.livejournal.com]

Ah, Al. You're one in a million, trust me.
And that's a good thing.

I suppose the cookie-cutter answer is that no one, but no one can consider themselves at the top of any given pile. No matter who you are or where you are, there's always someone who you see as shining brighter than you. I'm not sure that's supposed to help.

I actually went through a similar phase in High School, when I went to J-friggin-CS. The one thing I can tell you is that it's largely symptomatic of studenthood. When you're in a class, especially like the ones at UM, you can't stand out without being a freak. And even the students you see standing out are comparing themselves to those at Harvard and MIT whom they see as better.
When you're in a job like mine, and not a classroom, you may suck at it, but you're the only one doing it. No one to compare yourself to.

And let me tell you something: in your big sphere-o-acquaintances, you may not consider yourself anything worth writing home about, but in my little world, you're the best student, musician, and gamer, and the most hard-core anime fan. That's a lot of superlatives. The list, trust me, goes on.

I will end by saying something totally unhelpful: finding tkarrde98 has changed my entire outlook on life. A SO can make you feel special like no one else can, while simultanously allowing you to stop worrying so much about how you see yourself.

And if all else fails, tell your mom how you feel and let her cheer you up, because in her world, you are the greatest person to ever walk the planet.

Cheesy -- but true.

Welah, doling out rhetoric since 1983.

[silveradept]

Good words. Utterly unhelpful, for the most part, but you're not at fault for it.

See further down on Grant's post on my opinion of being seen through others, and the response to superlatives is on miyabiarashi's post.

[miyabiarashi.livejournal.com]

Alex, you're not alone in wondering what your identity is.

I can't say that I've had problems in feeling like I'm too much like everyone else, but that's because I've been set apart from others for too long in hearing that I'm "weird." In my life, I've heard more, "you're not like them". That said, who knows? The grass is always greener on the other side.

Being extremely unique can come with a price. And it can get lonely. Conforming from time to time isn't bad.

I guess one could say that if we look at your interests, we could say you were unique simply from that. I don't know anyone else from the marching band who plays video games, is interested in philosophy and who can do the best damn tarot in town. There, you're unique simply because your interests are so diverse. I have yet to really meet anyone else who can fall into that pattern from time to time here at UM.

So don't fret about it. It'll come.

[silveradept]

I always was the bright kid throughout high school, and somewhat strange because of it. However, you get to someplace like U of M, and you're not really any weirder than anybody else. My uniqueness sorta... disappeared.

You've also hit on part of the problem. I don't think I'm just an amalgamation of interests, but that there should be something at the core than is uniquely defining to myself. I guess I haven't found that part yet.

[torakiyoshi.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't really speak for anyone else, but I've rather enjoyed getting to know-- and re-know-- you since we first met over KoJ. And though we've never met personally, you're a rather important person in my sphere of people to watch out for, since you are Drew's best friend. And being a best friend means a whole hekuva lot.

So I guess what I'm saying is you do make a difference.

And if Cavi didn't say it, God loves you very much, and considers you very precious. Don't believe me? Read this (http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible?passage=psalm+139&x=0&y=0&NIV_version=yes&language=english). Or this (http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible?passage=luke+12%3A6-7&x=0&y=0&NIV_version=yes&language=english). Or even this (http://bible.gospelcom.net/bible?passage=Luke+15%3A11-32&x=0&y=0&NIV_version=yes&language=english).

-=TK, a Watched Sparrow

[silveradept]

An interesting triad of Scripture, if nothing else.

But you've, in a sense, struck the problem. I may be important, but it is in relation to Drew, for the most part. That's the part I guess I think I am, that I'm only thought of in relation to other people, and not as myself. Make sense?

[torakiyoshi.livejournal.com]

Well, it should certainly help that I met and liked you long before I met Drew, though. So no, I don't only think of you in relation to him. But you are now attatched to each other in the "Dizayum, it IS a small world after all!" filing cabinet of my mind. In fact, part of the reason my relation to Drew accellerated was because, shortly after he and I met (and long before the relationship deepened), I decided that he must be a cool person because you knew and liked him.

Which means that I already trust and value your opinions based solely on my previous experience of you, and getting to know you better since meeting Drew, that has only strengthened. Which is yet another reason why, when I finally get my butt out to Michigan, we're going to (decaf!) coffee while Drew stays home and packs.

-=TK

[silveradept]

So I can claim I played matchmaker when I didn't even realize the match I was making? That still depends on how happy you are with each other. Even so, what you construct me as may not be what I would consider my true self. Now, I'd probably be forced to admit to myself that if a lot of people's constructions of me had similar themes, then I might be able to take those similar bits and call them "Me." Maybe I just don't know what people think of me.

[torakiyoshi.livejournal.com]

Then we'll have to find out what the "real" you is like in March. :)

-=TK

[silveradept]

Hopefully, I won't be trying to hide it that much, then.