![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptSuccessful writer asks in advice column whether or not they should give up writing because they're not wildly successful. They're moderately successful, but people around them are doing gangbusters, some of those people ones the letter-writer would never have imagined doing so well, and it seems like that success will be denied them.
Exhibit A: Librarian, out of college, enjoying successes at programming and other aspects of their job, but not enjoying nationwide, statewide, or localwide acclaim, and reading articles, blogs, and the accounts of others that make their library careers seem better than what this librarian is up to.
Librarian is aware of the duck problem, and often uses it to try and gain perspective that what they see is a small segment of the best things about the profession, and that there are articles out there about avoiding burnout by not trying to be that high-level all the time, and also critiques of the idea that some librarians are Rockstars and deserve adulation from everyone, while others are not.
Similarities: many.
Advice from column about whether or not the writer should continue: If you are writing with the expectation that you will write a book that will make you millions of dollars, and at that point you will be happy, you are chasing bullshit.
More specifically:
Actual people, as we know, do not always do what they should, or "should".
It's not that simple, I find, to switch over to a new mode from the old one that seemed to work so well. At my best, perhaps, I can be okay with Hufflepuff as the house, and all that entails, and even write posts about it, but those steps can be smashed horribly by staring a life-changing event in the face. Like a family member getting married.
A large amount of childhood and adolescence involves external motivation - "Do this because I said so or because I will reward or punish you for doing/not doing it." Grades are external motivation. Praise is, too. And if you're particularly good at working the system of external motivation (says the librarian with two degrees, many pins and medals, and an undergraduate thesis along with excellent grades and praise from teachers), that period of time where you "should" separate yourself and start getting internal motivation might not set particularly strongly. In some ways, it did - I love a lot of the things about my work and the people there, and I think going into the profession was a good fit for me.
Truthfully, though, the first major jarring that external motivation might not be good enough was after graduation and looking for a job - after the first few rejections, you have to discover some inner strength and motivation to keep trying, and you realize that all the grades and praise you got in school aren't actually going to help. It didn't help that the school leaned heavily on the idea that all of its graduates would find jobs in places where they could wield influence. Once the job is obtained, it's easy to stay externally motivated - money to pay off debts, staying in the good graces of the boss(es) (which turns out to be a strong motivation, since my first boss tried to get me fired), and trying to accumulate praise and rewards and wield that promised influence.
And then wait for the house of cards to collapse in the face of something very real, the depression and anxiety that are the payload of the bomb of time brought on by the realization that you have spent a lot of time chasing external validation and there isn't enough of it, or any of it, to answer the question of whether what you are doing is enough to be called a good or fulfilling life. (Belief systems help provide criteria. They do not always provide answers.)
Getting to that point where I can be okay with being an odd duck, with taking joy in wearing pajama pants for story time (hee!) occasionally flitting about with a tall, seeing happy looks on faces as they find the information or books they need, sharing professional development information with others, and things away from work that help me feel skilled at things, that takes time. And gratitude. And possibly tada lists and pride posts and active practice at finding things that went well in any given day. And one of these days, one of those events that will crash a house of cards will happen, and instead of picking up the pieces, I'll realize that there's a solid structure in place that can handle it.
May you all get there before I'm supposed to.
Exhibit A: Librarian, out of college, enjoying successes at programming and other aspects of their job, but not enjoying nationwide, statewide, or localwide acclaim, and reading articles, blogs, and the accounts of others that make their library careers seem better than what this librarian is up to.
Librarian is aware of the duck problem, and often uses it to try and gain perspective that what they see is a small segment of the best things about the profession, and that there are articles out there about avoiding burnout by not trying to be that high-level all the time, and also critiques of the idea that some librarians are Rockstars and deserve adulation from everyone, while others are not.
Similarities: many.
Advice from column about whether or not the writer should continue: If you are writing with the expectation that you will write a book that will make you millions of dollars, and at that point you will be happy, you are chasing bullshit.
More specifically:
[...]the whole idea of "breaking through" is such a crock of shit. If you do nothing else, build a religion around this one fact. Beyond the ability to feed yourself, it doesn't fucking matter if a million people love you or five people do. It doesn't matter if you're 25 or 75. You cannot pollute your life with this fixation. You can feel relevant, you can imagine that you somehow matter in the larger scheme of things, you can commit to being a force in the world, without hitting some arbitrary high score or crossing some imaginary threshold of popularity. I am drawn to the flame of Twitter for some great reasons and for some reasons that spring from some slow, sick, sucking part of me, to quote Pavement like the old fucker I am. But you can't construct your life around these equations. You can't try to "reach" some imagined mob of dipshits, molding your work to match their dipshitty tastes. Be a lovely odd duck instead, one who hardly notices if people are booing or cheering.This strikes a chord for me, as a "should" - one of those things where you look at it, you go, "Well, no shit.", and you resolve to do that thing because clearly you should be able to do that. It's simple enough - reconnect with your passion, tell the haters, including your own brainweasels, to fuck off, and live in that very Hufflepuff style of life that says if the passion is there, and the work needs doing, then fulfillment comes from doing the work, regardless of how appreciated it is by others.
[...]
We are a wild, weird species, complex and quizzical, fierce and fragile. Honor that. Stop pressing your face to the glass of someone else's party. Enjoy the party unfolding around you.
What does the future hold for you or me or for any other writer? Uncertainty. Almost all books tank. Every freelance writer alive struggles to make ends meet and has dry spells. All editors ignore almost everyone. Let's not sit around watching the same four or five authors talk about their enormous successes for the next four decades. Let's not fear the brand-new dewy-faced ingenues making cool shit and then making big stacks of money. Let's not let our initial enthusiasm for them curdle into envy. There are always more to envy, coming up behind the last batch.
Actual people, as we know, do not always do what they should, or "should".
It's not that simple, I find, to switch over to a new mode from the old one that seemed to work so well. At my best, perhaps, I can be okay with Hufflepuff as the house, and all that entails, and even write posts about it, but those steps can be smashed horribly by staring a life-changing event in the face. Like a family member getting married.
A large amount of childhood and adolescence involves external motivation - "Do this because I said so or because I will reward or punish you for doing/not doing it." Grades are external motivation. Praise is, too. And if you're particularly good at working the system of external motivation (says the librarian with two degrees, many pins and medals, and an undergraduate thesis along with excellent grades and praise from teachers), that period of time where you "should" separate yourself and start getting internal motivation might not set particularly strongly. In some ways, it did - I love a lot of the things about my work and the people there, and I think going into the profession was a good fit for me.
Truthfully, though, the first major jarring that external motivation might not be good enough was after graduation and looking for a job - after the first few rejections, you have to discover some inner strength and motivation to keep trying, and you realize that all the grades and praise you got in school aren't actually going to help. It didn't help that the school leaned heavily on the idea that all of its graduates would find jobs in places where they could wield influence. Once the job is obtained, it's easy to stay externally motivated - money to pay off debts, staying in the good graces of the boss(es) (which turns out to be a strong motivation, since my first boss tried to get me fired), and trying to accumulate praise and rewards and wield that promised influence.
And then wait for the house of cards to collapse in the face of something very real, the depression and anxiety that are the payload of the bomb of time brought on by the realization that you have spent a lot of time chasing external validation and there isn't enough of it, or any of it, to answer the question of whether what you are doing is enough to be called a good or fulfilling life. (Belief systems help provide criteria. They do not always provide answers.)
Getting to that point where I can be okay with being an odd duck, with taking joy in wearing pajama pants for story time (hee!) occasionally flitting about with a tall, seeing happy looks on faces as they find the information or books they need, sharing professional development information with others, and things away from work that help me feel skilled at things, that takes time. And gratitude. And possibly tada lists and pride posts and active practice at finding things that went well in any given day. And one of these days, one of those events that will crash a house of cards will happen, and instead of picking up the pieces, I'll realize that there's a solid structure in place that can handle it.
May you all get there before I'm supposed to.
no subject
Date: 2015-11-19 07:45 pm (UTC)