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silveradeptThis is really a two-subjects-ish entry, so I'll try and do my best to delineate the change between the two. The first is the usual sort of strange things that I find around the internet, first up, a look inside a conspiracy theorist's take on the world situation. It's a good presentation, even if you don't agree with what might be said. (Note that the link above is to a 25 MB movie file.)
Braaaaains. Braaaains!
Some ripe commentary about aging.Plaid Ninjas. Ash points to Bigfoot?
Things may have turned the corner a bit. I was the last person in the band parade block for today's game, but the team won the game in the fourth quarter. That's probably a good sign for me, as well. Our major rivals were defeated again in conference play. Next week will be very interesting. Hopefully, we can win that road game.
Here's the subject-line divide. The mood will turn dark, moody, and morose beyond this point. If you don't want to read it, stop now.
Things may or may not be really getting better, though. The answer to the question "How do you spell Silver's social ability rating?" is D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. The spectres of the past come back to haunt me again. I have been expertly dissected by a friend and it turns out that I'm apparently rather normal in my reactions to things. The prodding led me to realize that, well, I'm afraid of being normal. Normal is something that I strive very hard to avoid...I see it as a mark against me to be normal. It is the one thing I consistently try to avoid.
I try to hold myself to a higher standard than what I would consider "normal" behavior. Even the oath I swore expects better than "normal" behavior from me in all things. To be proven "normal" is to be shown just how abysmally I've failed, and to demonstrate the distance that separates me from my ideal. It's depressing to see the gap.
I know it can't be healthy for me. It'll make me obsess, it'll make me depressed, it'll make me second-guess myself. It brings back the haunting that what I think I am turns out to be not what I really am. I would rather prefer the ideal, and in this particular situation, I tried to cast myself as the hero and ended up being the major villain. I've screwed things up really, really badly.
I'm just not sure what to do about it. So far, I've only made things worse by trying to explain myself. It would probably be a better end for me to just fall on my sword than to live with the dishonor I've brought on myself through this whole thing, but I'm not feeling particularly suicidal at the moment.
So sorry if I darken your day with my clouds. Right now, I'm feeling particularly a poor quality of self, and I have to figure out what to do with this mundane segment.
Braaaaains. Braaaains!
Some ripe commentary about aging.Plaid Ninjas. Ash points to Bigfoot?
Things may have turned the corner a bit. I was the last person in the band parade block for today's game, but the team won the game in the fourth quarter. That's probably a good sign for me, as well. Our major rivals were defeated again in conference play. Next week will be very interesting. Hopefully, we can win that road game.
Here's the subject-line divide. The mood will turn dark, moody, and morose beyond this point. If you don't want to read it, stop now.
Things may or may not be really getting better, though. The answer to the question "How do you spell Silver's social ability rating?" is D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. The spectres of the past come back to haunt me again. I have been expertly dissected by a friend and it turns out that I'm apparently rather normal in my reactions to things. The prodding led me to realize that, well, I'm afraid of being normal. Normal is something that I strive very hard to avoid...I see it as a mark against me to be normal. It is the one thing I consistently try to avoid.
I try to hold myself to a higher standard than what I would consider "normal" behavior. Even the oath I swore expects better than "normal" behavior from me in all things. To be proven "normal" is to be shown just how abysmally I've failed, and to demonstrate the distance that separates me from my ideal. It's depressing to see the gap.
I know it can't be healthy for me. It'll make me obsess, it'll make me depressed, it'll make me second-guess myself. It brings back the haunting that what I think I am turns out to be not what I really am. I would rather prefer the ideal, and in this particular situation, I tried to cast myself as the hero and ended up being the major villain. I've screwed things up really, really badly.
I'm just not sure what to do about it. So far, I've only made things worse by trying to explain myself. It would probably be a better end for me to just fall on my sword than to live with the dishonor I've brought on myself through this whole thing, but I'm not feeling particularly suicidal at the moment.
So sorry if I darken your day with my clouds. Right now, I'm feeling particularly a poor quality of self, and I have to figure out what to do with this mundane segment.
