Today did turn out to be interesting.
Jul. 31st, 2005 12:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptThis entry is registered as Green. Could be Blue.
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First, gotta salute![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
madkingludwig for his ascension into the hallowed halls of education. Starting very soon, he's going to a different part of the state to take up his profession. Was fun working with ya, sir. Maybe at some point I'll get to see you around and tell you that I have a budget for you to make the TV show with, hmm? Second, I did make it to the wedding in time. Many congratulations and benedictions are in order for the new couple. Hopefully they have a happily married life. Third, well, there may not be a third. Could be classified. It involved Great and Terrible Trials, of which I passed by the Skin of My Teeth, using such patented tricks as Flying By the Seat of My Pants, Hey-Look-Over-There, and the Bishounen Sparkle. But in the end, I was granted an Artifact of Great Power, which will boost my statistics accordingly. And that may have even been too much to say. Finally, I curse Jackson County for having so many deer in it. One bounded across the road as I was driving home and may have struck a glancing blow to the car's rear. No serious damage, however.
Actually, there's been a running theme for the last week or so here. Much of it has to do with engaging my talents in creative outlets as well as people generally telling me that I'm somewhat skilled at these creative endeavours and others. Upon reflection, which may be more like staring into the abyss, I decided to roll in the idea of Impostor Syndrome and use it as a reflective tool, thus producing a rather interesting observation. 'Twould appear that I prefer to be thought of as the miracle-worker, as Scotty would have put it. Usually, when interacting and meeting people socially, I tend to want to set lower expectations of myself, under the rationale that if I disappoint someone, it won't be that badly, and if I impress someone, then that's fine. Apparently, though, I've been doing a lot more of the impressing than the disappointing. Which is nice, but my ego hasn't boosted itself accordingly (which also might be nice), as far as I know. I still prefer people to have low expectations of me, so that I don't disappoint them a lot if I should fail. This seems like an eminently practical position, but it also might mean that I'm taking myself out of the running for projects that I could really succeed at and do quite well.
The part that could be worrisome is that my ruse doesn't appear to be working. I have a rather large group of people who slap away that defense when I try to raise it. Maybe my sleight-of-hand technique is off. They have documented proof, I suspect, on all the reasons that I'm not a lamer if I wanted to try and push the point that they really shouldn't be thinking highly of me. I suspect a lot of the people who hang around me have that proof (some channel it into a frying pan occasionally). At the same time, I don't want to get involved in the hubris of thinking that I'm Super-Man, able to fix all problems, solve all Dramas, and keep my hair perfectly styled for the whole time.
It's not the Impostor Syndrome, where I attribute things to forces beyond me for the reasons of my success. I might play them up as strong factors, but most of these things I had to do work for, and thus, I am worthy of praise that comes from them. Even if I think that my contribution was minimal and not very important. (Honestly, I could design the flux capacitor and then say that the DeLorean around it is more important and worthy of the praise than what I did.) At the same time, if something crashes and burns that I'm a part of, I often think that my failure had a larger part to do with it than it probably did. Standard Type AA personality? Possibly.
I feel indebted to my parents for helping to provide money for my education. I feel a bit frustrated that I don't have scholarship or work that can pay the costs of my schooling. At the same time, I feel like I'm growing beyond the boundaries of the world my parents placed in front of me, assimilating considerable amounts of new data and making my own decisions. In a sense, I'm growing into myself, instead of being the character Mom and Dad wanted me to be. The problem is that I worry, perhaps unduly, that if I show off my new wings, they'll clip their support because they don't like the color or the way they're styled. It should be foolish, really, but it's real. Call it a bad feeling reinforced by seeing things such as "ex-gay" camps or reading Gir's account of how his parents tried to "beat the fur out of him."
I suspect that I've held off on a lot of things in my life that I've wanted to do because I haven't felt comfortable enough to try them. Lots of the ones I can recall at the moment deal directly with that my parents are close by and not knowing their reaction if they were to see them. It's rather funny, to be similarly indebted to and wanting to be very free of one's parents. It's anxiety, something that I could very well do to be without.
I don't appear confident because I'm not. I might have the skills for the job and be able to complete it beautifully. But I've been trained that people who tout their abilities are people who are going to be shot down by vicious people who have nothing better to do. Easier to say "Well, I think I can do this", make it happen, and go "Shh! Don't tell anyone.", than to say, "Yeah, I'm the guy for the job." and do it. There are exceptions to the rule, where my hubris shines through brightly. In those cases, if I should fail, my pride takes a serious hit and I feel depressed.
There's another component to it, which is the fear I have of failure, but that's probably best discussed in another entry. Perhaps tomorrow. It is time for bed tonight.
Got no clue what I'm talking about? Check out the Official Fleet Drama System, designed by loweko himself.
First, gotta salute
madkingludwig for his ascension into the hallowed halls of education. Starting very soon, he's going to a different part of the state to take up his profession. Was fun working with ya, sir. Maybe at some point I'll get to see you around and tell you that I have a budget for you to make the TV show with, hmm? Second, I did make it to the wedding in time. Many congratulations and benedictions are in order for the new couple. Hopefully they have a happily married life. Third, well, there may not be a third. Could be classified. It involved Great and Terrible Trials, of which I passed by the Skin of My Teeth, using such patented tricks as Flying By the Seat of My Pants, Hey-Look-Over-There, and the Bishounen Sparkle. But in the end, I was granted an Artifact of Great Power, which will boost my statistics accordingly. And that may have even been too much to say. Finally, I curse Jackson County for having so many deer in it. One bounded across the road as I was driving home and may have struck a glancing blow to the car's rear. No serious damage, however. Actually, there's been a running theme for the last week or so here. Much of it has to do with engaging my talents in creative outlets as well as people generally telling me that I'm somewhat skilled at these creative endeavours and others. Upon reflection, which may be more like staring into the abyss, I decided to roll in the idea of Impostor Syndrome and use it as a reflective tool, thus producing a rather interesting observation. 'Twould appear that I prefer to be thought of as the miracle-worker, as Scotty would have put it. Usually, when interacting and meeting people socially, I tend to want to set lower expectations of myself, under the rationale that if I disappoint someone, it won't be that badly, and if I impress someone, then that's fine. Apparently, though, I've been doing a lot more of the impressing than the disappointing. Which is nice, but my ego hasn't boosted itself accordingly (which also might be nice), as far as I know. I still prefer people to have low expectations of me, so that I don't disappoint them a lot if I should fail. This seems like an eminently practical position, but it also might mean that I'm taking myself out of the running for projects that I could really succeed at and do quite well.
The part that could be worrisome is that my ruse doesn't appear to be working. I have a rather large group of people who slap away that defense when I try to raise it. Maybe my sleight-of-hand technique is off. They have documented proof, I suspect, on all the reasons that I'm not a lamer if I wanted to try and push the point that they really shouldn't be thinking highly of me. I suspect a lot of the people who hang around me have that proof (some channel it into a frying pan occasionally). At the same time, I don't want to get involved in the hubris of thinking that I'm Super-Man, able to fix all problems, solve all Dramas, and keep my hair perfectly styled for the whole time.
It's not the Impostor Syndrome, where I attribute things to forces beyond me for the reasons of my success. I might play them up as strong factors, but most of these things I had to do work for, and thus, I am worthy of praise that comes from them. Even if I think that my contribution was minimal and not very important. (Honestly, I could design the flux capacitor and then say that the DeLorean around it is more important and worthy of the praise than what I did.) At the same time, if something crashes and burns that I'm a part of, I often think that my failure had a larger part to do with it than it probably did. Standard Type AA personality? Possibly.
I feel indebted to my parents for helping to provide money for my education. I feel a bit frustrated that I don't have scholarship or work that can pay the costs of my schooling. At the same time, I feel like I'm growing beyond the boundaries of the world my parents placed in front of me, assimilating considerable amounts of new data and making my own decisions. In a sense, I'm growing into myself, instead of being the character Mom and Dad wanted me to be. The problem is that I worry, perhaps unduly, that if I show off my new wings, they'll clip their support because they don't like the color or the way they're styled. It should be foolish, really, but it's real. Call it a bad feeling reinforced by seeing things such as "ex-gay" camps or reading Gir's account of how his parents tried to "beat the fur out of him."
I suspect that I've held off on a lot of things in my life that I've wanted to do because I haven't felt comfortable enough to try them. Lots of the ones I can recall at the moment deal directly with that my parents are close by and not knowing their reaction if they were to see them. It's rather funny, to be similarly indebted to and wanting to be very free of one's parents. It's anxiety, something that I could very well do to be without.
I don't appear confident because I'm not. I might have the skills for the job and be able to complete it beautifully. But I've been trained that people who tout their abilities are people who are going to be shot down by vicious people who have nothing better to do. Easier to say "Well, I think I can do this", make it happen, and go "Shh! Don't tell anyone.", than to say, "Yeah, I'm the guy for the job." and do it. There are exceptions to the rule, where my hubris shines through brightly. In those cases, if I should fail, my pride takes a serious hit and I feel depressed.
There's another component to it, which is the fear I have of failure, but that's probably best discussed in another entry. Perhaps tomorrow. It is time for bed tonight.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-31 07:00 am (UTC)Parents get disappointed in their children all the time but in the end you need to tell them the truth and let the chips fall where they may. As to when you want to do this, that's up to you. If I were you I'd hide it from them until I got that Masters then go on. I'm sure there are those that'll tell you to tell them right now and go on your own, that way when you do get that Masters it'll be that much more of an accomplishment because you continued even after they cut you off...hell they might actually suprise you and support you in whatever way you decide to live your life.
The point is that you'll never know until you commit. Just like what The Gambler said: This is the time to show 'em.
My mother and father are disappointed in me. Dad wanted me to be smart but yet stay ignorant and that's his fault for not understanding that I can't be a part of a religion or life that is false to the doctrines that were instilled millenia ago. My mother wanted me to take to the Cloth but again I wouldn't be part of her religion due to the arrogance and comtempt it has for others when I'm not entirely sure they're correct in their assumptions. In the end all you can do is live your life by your measure of success and go with your heart. Yeah it sucks and can force you to burn bridges but in the end if you're not truthful to yourself, then what's the sense of you even getting that damned Masters in the first place, huh?
There you go, I made a coherent message without any swear words...except my GODDAMN FUCKING COMPUTER WON'T ACCEPT THE PIECE OF SHIT MOBO AND SHITTING ON ME WITH BSODS SO I'LL HAVE TO REFORMAT THE MOTHERFUCKER. AARRRGGHHH!!
There, I feel a little better.