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silveradeptThis is one of those split-personality entries. The part that may or may not be worth reading will be tagged with the proper Advisory colour. It could just be emo kid whining, it could be deep and useful introspection. I won't know until I write it.
To-ga! To-ga! If you've ever wondered what you need to be in proper style for those frat parties, here you go.
Went home today for a bit, hauling along little sister and her friend. Big sister and the maternal grandparents were home, too. So there was food and laundry and other such things. Much merry was made. I begged off a bit to help a friend troubleshoot her computer's modem. Turns out that her end was fine, but the receiving end wasn't receiving. Stayed a bit longer and talked, and from that talking, I have some new ideas and thoughts to mull over.
Dear Self:
One might wonder why you're writing a letter. Could be because you feel a bit like Eminem's "Stan", but only fighting it out amongst your various selves. After all, I am your number one fan. I'm glad that you decided to be honest. You may not have said all that you wanted to say. It may have been prudent, since the situation felt wrong to say all of it. And when you're not entirely sure of your course of action, it is usually best not to prematurely stick your foot in your mouth. Still, you're going to have to own up at some point. You need to figure out how to say it so that your position is clear.
I left that place because I felt it to be limiting. I wanted to leave behind the marks of it that I felt would not be of help to me here. I wanted to remake myself. And it appears that I have succeeded. Perhaps at the cost of appearing like a snob to the people who are still there. ...two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Stand in the desert... Has the change been for good or for ill? If the answer is both, then how do I throw away the worser half? Am I just screaming "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"?
Speaking of change, have I become anything definite? Am I the chameleon who makes his outside reflect that around him? The goals I strive for are great and noble. Enlightenment, balance, honour, identity. The things that philosophers and kings seek.
I suppose your biggest problem is that you tend to value a lot of people's opinions. So when they start giving conflicting pictures, you panic. On the one hand, someone sees your transformation in a negative light, with at least apparently valid points to back it up. On the other side, people see the transformation as a good thing, with apparently valid points to back it up. Do you trust yourself enough to make a decision? Maaaaybe. We can also see you second-guessing it all the way. You really do have some of the more disturbing qualities of Dave and Piro. There's room for improvement.
So maybe you still are going through your high-school phase. Might take a few years to catch up to college, and then to reality, but just because you seem to be getting a late start doesn't mean you can't get through it. It might be the same kind of frustration you were having with hemming the pants - large, clumsy fingers that liked to poke the needles and pins at first. It was frustrating - enough that you annoyed the people around you with your exclamations. But eventually you got the hang of it. (Not that I ever, ever want to do that on a regular basis.) The same can happen with life.
We've got to somehow break your brain in half. After all, we have people telling you to study hard and obtain the truth that way, and others who say that all you have to do is shift your thinking, and the truth appears. They're both right. They're both utterly wrong. You've done both. Stop being tied down by things that don't exist. Start with the doing. And amass a cabal of frying-pan wielding maniacs to keep you on the right path.
Got it?
-Self.
To-ga! To-ga! If you've ever wondered what you need to be in proper style for those frat parties, here you go.
Went home today for a bit, hauling along little sister and her friend. Big sister and the maternal grandparents were home, too. So there was food and laundry and other such things. Much merry was made. I begged off a bit to help a friend troubleshoot her computer's modem. Turns out that her end was fine, but the receiving end wasn't receiving. Stayed a bit longer and talked, and from that talking, I have some new ideas and thoughts to mull over.
Dear Self:
One might wonder why you're writing a letter. Could be because you feel a bit like Eminem's "Stan", but only fighting it out amongst your various selves. After all, I am your number one fan. I'm glad that you decided to be honest. You may not have said all that you wanted to say. It may have been prudent, since the situation felt wrong to say all of it. And when you're not entirely sure of your course of action, it is usually best not to prematurely stick your foot in your mouth. Still, you're going to have to own up at some point. You need to figure out how to say it so that your position is clear.
I left that place because I felt it to be limiting. I wanted to leave behind the marks of it that I felt would not be of help to me here. I wanted to remake myself. And it appears that I have succeeded. Perhaps at the cost of appearing like a snob to the people who are still there. ...two vast and trunkless legs of stone / Stand in the desert... Has the change been for good or for ill? If the answer is both, then how do I throw away the worser half? Am I just screaming "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"?
Speaking of change, have I become anything definite? Am I the chameleon who makes his outside reflect that around him? The goals I strive for are great and noble. Enlightenment, balance, honour, identity. The things that philosophers and kings seek.
I suppose your biggest problem is that you tend to value a lot of people's opinions. So when they start giving conflicting pictures, you panic. On the one hand, someone sees your transformation in a negative light, with at least apparently valid points to back it up. On the other side, people see the transformation as a good thing, with apparently valid points to back it up. Do you trust yourself enough to make a decision? Maaaaybe. We can also see you second-guessing it all the way. You really do have some of the more disturbing qualities of Dave and Piro. There's room for improvement.
So maybe you still are going through your high-school phase. Might take a few years to catch up to college, and then to reality, but just because you seem to be getting a late start doesn't mean you can't get through it. It might be the same kind of frustration you were having with hemming the pants - large, clumsy fingers that liked to poke the needles and pins at first. It was frustrating - enough that you annoyed the people around you with your exclamations. But eventually you got the hang of it. (Not that I ever, ever want to do that on a regular basis.) The same can happen with life.
We've got to somehow break your brain in half. After all, we have people telling you to study hard and obtain the truth that way, and others who say that all you have to do is shift your thinking, and the truth appears. They're both right. They're both utterly wrong. You've done both. Stop being tied down by things that don't exist. Start with the doing. And amass a cabal of frying-pan wielding maniacs to keep you on the right path.
Got it?
-Self.
