The rumblings of my insanity...

...well, sort of. Good news accompanies today, for the most part. Nothing serious happened, really. But good news has been pouring in from all fronts. Maybe things will get better. Of course, there are those two exams I have to take on Thursday, but, meh...

...first, since I didn't do it when I should have, meaning yesterday... Congratulations to eleme and getsource on their engagement. Benedictio.

Second, people are getting well and healthy on all fronts, including myself. I'd feel great, if not for the exams coming up.

Third, I'm slightly bored. But that's okay, because I'm going to go to Pasadena! I'll be dead, then. Oh, well.

More hilarity to follow in the days to come, that's for sure...

Meme'ing it out.

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My LiveJournal 12 Days
My True Love gave to me...
12 aurora77s a-laughing.
11 elemes a-skating.
10 getsources a-staring.
9 laforces a-smooching.
8 lowekos a-flaming.
7 maritzacs a-tripping.
6 miyabiarashis a-breakdancing.
5 orange taniwhanuis.
4 skipping tkarrde98s.
3 Georgian tokhras.
2 pig warwulfs.
And a welah in a blackberry tree.
Get gifts! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Somehow that last thing doesn't sound right. Better placed to tkarrde98, so he can have my welah. Just looking at this meme, i realized the order of placement is alphabetical. Boo. Be random.

Moroseness?

It was an interesting day today. Went looking for work and found none. But that's okay.

Second, had a chat with CAVI, the drum major of our band, and came away with a better understanding of what Christianity probably ought to look like. In addition, I gained some valuable insight into the psyche of a committed Christian. I still state for the record that I envy people who are committed to their faith. That part was interesting, hearing it from one who walks the path.

That's the happy part, I suppose.

Now, and as a tip-off to the material that follows, a Quizilla:


You are the Social Anxiety disorder rock! :(


::Which rock personality disorder (from the Zoloft commercial) should you have? (Results contain pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

How true.

I'm not sure whether the mood (and the rant) that follows is just a seasonal thing, but every now and then I feel like it, so... (This post deliberately left open to all, because if it were friends-only, I'd feel like I was bitching about nothing...)

...I'm having trouble with identity. I'm certainly not the best at anything here at Michigan, I hold no powerful offices, (I sit last chair in my section...) I don't have a significant other, I'm still looking for a belief system, and I'm really having trouble finding some uniquely identifying characteristic that I can latch onto and say, "ME!" It's slightly depressive when you're worried that if you were to fade out today, there would be nothing lasting to remember you by, not even in the people you hang out with.

So I'm having identity problems. I'm not depressive to do something stupid, worry not, and this, like most of my thoughts, will probably disappear when I get properly distracted again. But it returns every now and then. Contemplating one's relation to the world and the cosmos makes one feel abundantly small and inadequate.

I suppose that's part of my envy of people like CAVI. I don't think he ever worries about this bit, because his faith in a higher being that personally looks after him keeps him from believing that he's a single in a multitude.

One person can easily leave a mark, I'm sure, but I'm not sure if I've left any at all. And that's not a nice thing to think about. Of course, my brain rationalizes and says, "Surely somewhere there is the imprint of your existence. That should be enough for you." Well, it would be, if I could see it. I want to know that's true. And thus, I have identity problems. For even then, I worry that I would say that I only find myself in relation to other people, that I'm still lacking something unique that constructs me, rather than seeing myself as a reflection of other people.

What do I say to this that I can believe? How do I tell myself that I do exist, uniquely? Where do I find myself? And how do I convince myself that what is there truly is me? (And what happens if all I can see that is uniquely me are faults?)

Ideas? Suggestions? Similar conundrums?