Ya, well...

...so I didn't do a whole lot today - although I did find my GTO Drama Discs, and so I've been watching those. Something that I didn't get around to, ya know? Between this and tomorrow, I should have them pretty well taken care of. Gonna move soon - gonna be in band soon, gonna feel normal again. Well, or just going to have enough stuff to do so that I don't have to slow down and think. It's become a disturbing habit, but whenever I do take time to think, I tend to get a little depressed. The universe's immensity suddenly becomes apparent.

And then I decide to go check my friends list, and lo, like consulting the Tarot, what should lordmork have, but an entry about the reasons that he continues to live. Somebody upstairs is looking out for me (and probably laughing her head off, too). Maybe it's because it's one-thirty in the morning, local time, I'm sitting in an apartment that used to have three people in it and now will only be having one for the rest of the month, that the other two occupants are probably enjoying a good night together, because N is flying out tomorrow to Boston and S will have to wait to see him (until she can connive a trip to see a relative nearby, or something)

Maybe I'm a companionship whore. Perhaps my greatest need is simply someone to talk to, be it inanities or profound revelations. Maybe that's why I think I need a significant other. Maybe that's why I pontificate in LJ and hope for comments. (That, actually, could just be normal behavior.) The Simon and Garfunkel song comes to mind... "I have my books / and my poetry to protect me./ I have no need for friendship, / friendship causes pain. / It's laughter and it's loving I disdain."

But I do not wish to be a rock, nor an island. And the people who I probably could talk at great lengths about this are three time zones behind me. Although I think I tried this shtick on him already... he said that he'd help if he could, but since he's across-country, there's probably not a whole lot of influence he can exert here.

It's funny. It almost sounds as if I just want someone to open up all the way to, spill out all of my insecurities, fears, worries, everything. And then to have them listen to it, and understand it. To figure out the whole from all the parts than come out. Although I suppose the ultimate blow would be to do that to someone, and have them not care. I think the one girl I finally screwed up enough courage to ask may have hurt me more than I admit. It was bad timing, I'll admit - but she was going to leave for an extended stay soon, and I wanted to let her know how I felt before she left. Even if she wasn't looking for anyone... even if she's had bad experiences in the past. I don't know if it was cowardice or courage, but it happened. And it probably hurt me more than I think to have her cut me out of her existence like that. It's the eternal second-guessing, the self-accusations, the self-inflicted bakahammer to the soul.

So I might be looking for redemption, I might be looking for justification, I might be looking just for an explanation. I thought about locking the entry, and decided against it. It would be akin to bottling it up, when the best thing to do to it is probably to let it out. I guess I'm holding true to my astrological sign - hidden inside the shell, afraid of the outside. Once the distractions start again, I'll probably revert to old habits - it'll keep me busy, if nothing else. Maybe that's why I'm so lost in the search for an ethical system - I don't know who I am, so it's hard to find something to believe in firmly enough to make it part of myself. Maybe that's why the characters in my head are developed entities - they're more defined than I am. Maybe I'd rather be one of them - live in their world, instead of my own.

And if I can't swim after forty days, it might seem easier to just drown. But I can't do that - giving up isn't part of the plan. So it's a little blind navigation, trying to find someplace suitable. But the natives of all the lands I've been to speak a foreign language. They're usually kind and provide me with some food, and maybe a little rest. But it's not home, so I keep going.

Hmph. I'm a basket case. I have to be insane. But it's probably the kind that can't be cured with an institution.

My, my...

I have to admit, scribbling yesterday made me feel better in a weird sort of way. Maybe that's what the Greeks were talking about when they envisioned people going to plays - to let out all those bad emotions. Catharsis at it's finest, or something. I did promise to myself that I wouldn't use the space for being an angst machine fairly soon into having one, and I'm trying to hold to that promise - I don't want it to appear like I'm whining or anything. Besides, angst is no fun.

It would also appear that my little brother is a female magnet. I'm happy for him, even if I do rib him gently from here on out about having too many girlfriends. I think he's probably a little worried about it.

I do have work tomorrow, so I think I should be off to bed very soon. Although I've got a particular song bouncing around in my head right now that I feel very close to, especially because of that post yesterday. Maybe I'll put it up tomorrow morning or something.

And try this on for size, whether you speak Latin or not: The proper response to a lot of questions.