Long entry ahead, be aware.
Apr. 18th, 2006 01:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptPromised there would be more. From porn stars offering themselves to terrorists, (possibly with or without a plastic bag brassiere), seemingly innocuous yet insulting phrases uttered unintentionally by a golfer, high-speed water drops moving along on high heat, the Internet is a varied place.
This article offers an interesting self-help thought: You are not yourself. Actually, let's parse that slightly differently and try again: "You" are not "yourself". That's better, but it's still not quite right. You'll have to read the article. It tries to take the idea of positive thinking one step further, transforming it into positive commanding, putting oneself as the catalouger of the mind.
A poem honoring the English language. More specifically, how its pronunciation rules increase the amount of chaos in the world just by existing. I'll put this next to an analysis of "tag" and its variants as exemplars of how responsibility flows in the real world. It's up to you to figure out why. Names are not often accidental in these worlds.
J. Brad Hicks (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bradhicks) has put up his reasoning in defense of feather head-dresses and ass-less chaps, or "Why it's a bad idea for GLBT people to be silent, regardless of the perceived damage to acceptance that some people commit by being out and obnoxious." He then follows this with Who's Being Rude to Whom at a Pride Parade?, hinting strongly that people who are offended by what they see at a Pride Parade went there to be offended by it. In both those articles, he puts down and reinforces the point that until society is okay with there being GLBT people in their midst, really, truly okay with them, and all the things they do, then GLBT people are in danger from society. Considering that the new abstinence education policies say that GLBT people should never, ever, engage in sexual activity at all in their life, I'd say he's right. (Here's the text of the guidelines themselves) I'd say that's true of any minority, be it lifestyle, fandom, or otherwise, really, and that while there are likely to be "examples made" occasionally of people who are outspoken, (usually when a series of bad situations all come together on one individual) that it's better to be out about as many of your kinks that you can be that to keep yourself closeted. We're still working on that, actually. We're not entirely sure that we'll ever get to the level where we could face the firing squad (as Evey would have) over being ourselves, but we may never know about that one until presented with the choice. I think my confidence would be better were I on solid ground of my own, and not worried that the floor was going to drop out from under me suddenly. At the same time, there is a certain, perhaps suicidal, instinct among us to say "You know what? Fuck this! Shwanekee and waffles for all, and I don't care whether you don't like strawberries on them!"
An interesting sort of test, with a sliding scale of rating. You can peruse my report results if you like, so you can see things as they appeared. As with all these sorts of tests, I'm unsure as to their accuracy, even though they're just judging my responses to the questions. It's not quite looking for outside validation, but I do want to know whether I actually exhibit the traits it says I do. You can rate me, from what you know of me, using the "Psych you / Psych me!" option they have and enter the following code: 602a6af79619
I've been a little restless lately. I feel like I've been in the same place for a little too long now, and that I could use a change. Might be also itching to get at actual summer work, too.I'm ready for the "Practical Experience" part of the study... for the first time in five years, I'm going to get to practice the craft I've been studying for. I'm not nervous about this job, I'm excited. That's got to be a good sign.
There's some other stuff wandering around in my head. Other than you, knuckleheads. Just checking. I think I've said a few things before about feeling a little behind the social development curve of my peers. It appears that most of the things I've accomplished or feel in university (graduate school, too.) were accomplished by my peers in their high school years or their undergraduates. This is an appearance, of course - likely no basis in reality (an analogy told to me about swimming ducks likely applies here) and really, it's probably not true. At the same time that I'm grappling with some interesting issues about how I see the world and respond to it, I get the distinct feeling that people around me have already either solved them or are at least farther ahead in the game than I am. (Okay, now that ducks analogy is really starting to ring bells) If the ducks bit is true, I'm not necessarily any farther ahead or behind anyone else, and we're all furiously trying to get ahead while maintaining the image of nothing being wrong, of just gliding through the water. Even if it is just a perception, I'd like to shake it off and have a little more confidence that I'm not going to end up as an aimless wanderer or that I'm going to run out of time before I get to experience everything out of life. (Well, assharpsight would probably note, until some immortal or extraordinarily long-lived state is reached, mortality dictates that we're going to run out of time first. However, honestly, I don't like the hard sciences enough to get involved in the race for immortality, and may have to content myself with enjoying the fruits of their labour while trying to contribute something to a philosophy that can help humanity deal with some of the more vicious aspects of its society. Armchair philosophy from the librarian. Who knows?) I just feel like by this time, I'm supposed to have met the person I'm going to marry, picked out a nice job for myself in a neighborhood I like, gotten all my travel bugs out (at least for now - mid-life mid-boss crises happen later) and had enough of my fun that I could stand being respectable for a couple years just to regain balance. Although, now that I think about that for a little bit, that's really just a giant societal pressure, reinforced subtly, perhaps, by parental pressures that are unspoken but felt. The above comment about "Fuck this! Shwanekee for all!" could easily apply down here, too.
Over the weekend, my dear sister played her highlights of Rent soundtrack a lot, and the music in that toyed with my emotional states. And this is without me having seen it. So something like Seasons of Love (525,600 Minutes) gets a reaction that I need to get moving and make something out of my life, (preferably before forty, where I get "over the hill"?) whereas the affirmation ("There's only this, Forget regrets or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today") is a reminder that while making something of yourself is all well and good, one should also make sure that time is taken to enjoy life as it passes. Contradictions? Sure. We're full of them. (You might be.).I guess I feel like I'm not experiencing enough, paradoxically, because there's probably plenty of people who would give bodily parts to have the experiences that I've had and not noticed.
Have two other observations to make, before I turn in for the night, about the existence/nonexistence of any "natural talent" I may have. They're related and disparate all at the same time. I know I've complained a lot about not being able to see what talent I have - part of it may be a Chinese proverb that someone else used effectively a couple days ago: "Beyond the mountain there is a higher mountain." No matter where one is in skill levels, there's always someone better. To make comparisons without the intent of improving oneself is fruitless. To ignore achievements in favor of making higher comparisons is useless. But the fact remains that there will always be another mountain. The other part of not seeing what talent one has might be that very naturalness and familiarity of it. Unless you comprehend the real difficulty of the task that you make look easy, then there's a good chance you won't understand what talents you have. Unfortunately, even having some to this realization, I still have no idea what any of my natural talents are, and so have the feeling of not actually having any.
The related segment to this is how I view the world and some relationships - Some of the things I do naturally as a friend, with no interest beyond that, is apparently enough to make some people, at the very least, think highly of my suitability as a friend and beyond. This probably happened quite a bit in my earlier years, although to what degree I have no clue at all. Actually, these days, I have very little clue at all whether I have that effect on people. Some people have at least been kind enough to draw it to my attention, often when I'm feeling a little more like there's no way that I could ever catch someone suitable. The linking gesture in this is that I don't change my behavior, really, and I'm quite unaware of the magnitude of the impact I have on someone by doing this. And it's not doing anything special for them, either. I just offer a lot to the people I consider to be friends. Makes me wonder whether I'm going to experience anything significant for any one (or few) person(s) in my life, or whether all of the people that I like being friends with are going to get the same treatment. It's an interesting thought when you wonder if you'll ever fall in love with one person, or many people, or just be affectionate and/or intimate with a wide variety of friends. Not that any of those options are inherently wrong or bad, but when you've been raised in a society by people who expect you to find and fall in love with one person, the other options do have a certain exoticness to them that needs to be cut away so that they can be looked at with the proper eye. In matters of the heart, I'm sure I'll find my own way eventually, but being out here has presented possibilities that probably would have never appeared had I stayed where I was. The difference between too few choices and too many is a slight one.
Anyway, that's enough out of me. I think I've finally laid down all the concepts and words I wanted to talk about for tonight. So, bed. Tomorrow is the last day of courses. I'm likely going to celebrate it with a pint and then with wiffleball.
This article offers an interesting self-help thought: You are not yourself. Actually, let's parse that slightly differently and try again: "You" are not "yourself". That's better, but it's still not quite right. You'll have to read the article. It tries to take the idea of positive thinking one step further, transforming it into positive commanding, putting oneself as the catalouger of the mind.
A poem honoring the English language. More specifically, how its pronunciation rules increase the amount of chaos in the world just by existing. I'll put this next to an analysis of "tag" and its variants as exemplars of how responsibility flows in the real world. It's up to you to figure out why. Names are not often accidental in these worlds.
J. Brad Hicks (
bradhicks) has put up his reasoning in defense of feather head-dresses and ass-less chaps, or "Why it's a bad idea for GLBT people to be silent, regardless of the perceived damage to acceptance that some people commit by being out and obnoxious." He then follows this with Who's Being Rude to Whom at a Pride Parade?, hinting strongly that people who are offended by what they see at a Pride Parade went there to be offended by it. In both those articles, he puts down and reinforces the point that until society is okay with there being GLBT people in their midst, really, truly okay with them, and all the things they do, then GLBT people are in danger from society. Considering that the new abstinence education policies say that GLBT people should never, ever, engage in sexual activity at all in their life, I'd say he's right. (Here's the text of the guidelines themselves) I'd say that's true of any minority, be it lifestyle, fandom, or otherwise, really, and that while there are likely to be "examples made" occasionally of people who are outspoken, (usually when a series of bad situations all come together on one individual) that it's better to be out about as many of your kinks that you can be that to keep yourself closeted. We're still working on that, actually. We're not entirely sure that we'll ever get to the level where we could face the firing squad (as Evey would have) over being ourselves, but we may never know about that one until presented with the choice. I think my confidence would be better were I on solid ground of my own, and not worried that the floor was going to drop out from under me suddenly. At the same time, there is a certain, perhaps suicidal, instinct among us to say "You know what? Fuck this! Shwanekee and waffles for all, and I don't care whether you don't like strawberries on them!" An interesting sort of test, with a sliding scale of rating. You can peruse my report results if you like, so you can see things as they appeared. As with all these sorts of tests, I'm unsure as to their accuracy, even though they're just judging my responses to the questions. It's not quite looking for outside validation, but I do want to know whether I actually exhibit the traits it says I do. You can rate me, from what you know of me, using the "Psych you / Psych me!" option they have and enter the following code: 602a6af79619
I've been a little restless lately. I feel like I've been in the same place for a little too long now, and that I could use a change. Might be also itching to get at actual summer work, too.I'm ready for the "Practical Experience" part of the study... for the first time in five years, I'm going to get to practice the craft I've been studying for. I'm not nervous about this job, I'm excited. That's got to be a good sign.
There's some other stuff wandering around in my head. Other than you, knuckleheads. Just checking. I think I've said a few things before about feeling a little behind the social development curve of my peers. It appears that most of the things I've accomplished or feel in university (graduate school, too.) were accomplished by my peers in their high school years or their undergraduates. This is an appearance, of course - likely no basis in reality (an analogy told to me about swimming ducks likely applies here) and really, it's probably not true. At the same time that I'm grappling with some interesting issues about how I see the world and respond to it, I get the distinct feeling that people around me have already either solved them or are at least farther ahead in the game than I am. (Okay, now that ducks analogy is really starting to ring bells) If the ducks bit is true, I'm not necessarily any farther ahead or behind anyone else, and we're all furiously trying to get ahead while maintaining the image of nothing being wrong, of just gliding through the water. Even if it is just a perception, I'd like to shake it off and have a little more confidence that I'm not going to end up as an aimless wanderer or that I'm going to run out of time before I get to experience everything out of life. (Well, as
sharpsight would probably note, until some immortal or extraordinarily long-lived state is reached, mortality dictates that we're going to run out of time first. However, honestly, I don't like the hard sciences enough to get involved in the race for immortality, and may have to content myself with enjoying the fruits of their labour while trying to contribute something to a philosophy that can help humanity deal with some of the more vicious aspects of its society. Armchair philosophy from the librarian. Who knows?) I just feel like by this time, I'm supposed to have met the person I'm going to marry, picked out a nice job for myself in a neighborhood I like, gotten all my travel bugs out (at least for now - mid-life mid-boss crises happen later) and had enough of my fun that I could stand being respectable for a couple years just to regain balance. Although, now that I think about that for a little bit, that's really just a giant societal pressure, reinforced subtly, perhaps, by parental pressures that are unspoken but felt. The above comment about "Fuck this! Shwanekee for all!" could easily apply down here, too. Over the weekend, my dear sister played her highlights of Rent soundtrack a lot, and the music in that toyed with my emotional states. And this is without me having seen it. So something like Seasons of Love (525,600 Minutes) gets a reaction that I need to get moving and make something out of my life, (preferably before forty, where I get "over the hill"?) whereas the affirmation ("There's only this, Forget regrets or life is yours to miss, no other road, no other way, no day but today") is a reminder that while making something of yourself is all well and good, one should also make sure that time is taken to enjoy life as it passes. Contradictions? Sure. We're full of them. (You might be.).I guess I feel like I'm not experiencing enough, paradoxically, because there's probably plenty of people who would give bodily parts to have the experiences that I've had and not noticed.
Have two other observations to make, before I turn in for the night, about the existence/nonexistence of any "natural talent" I may have. They're related and disparate all at the same time. I know I've complained a lot about not being able to see what talent I have - part of it may be a Chinese proverb that someone else used effectively a couple days ago: "Beyond the mountain there is a higher mountain." No matter where one is in skill levels, there's always someone better. To make comparisons without the intent of improving oneself is fruitless. To ignore achievements in favor of making higher comparisons is useless. But the fact remains that there will always be another mountain. The other part of not seeing what talent one has might be that very naturalness and familiarity of it. Unless you comprehend the real difficulty of the task that you make look easy, then there's a good chance you won't understand what talents you have. Unfortunately, even having some to this realization, I still have no idea what any of my natural talents are, and so have the feeling of not actually having any.
The related segment to this is how I view the world and some relationships - Some of the things I do naturally as a friend, with no interest beyond that, is apparently enough to make some people, at the very least, think highly of my suitability as a friend and beyond. This probably happened quite a bit in my earlier years, although to what degree I have no clue at all. Actually, these days, I have very little clue at all whether I have that effect on people. Some people have at least been kind enough to draw it to my attention, often when I'm feeling a little more like there's no way that I could ever catch someone suitable. The linking gesture in this is that I don't change my behavior, really, and I'm quite unaware of the magnitude of the impact I have on someone by doing this. And it's not doing anything special for them, either. I just offer a lot to the people I consider to be friends. Makes me wonder whether I'm going to experience anything significant for any one (or few) person(s) in my life, or whether all of the people that I like being friends with are going to get the same treatment. It's an interesting thought when you wonder if you'll ever fall in love with one person, or many people, or just be affectionate and/or intimate with a wide variety of friends. Not that any of those options are inherently wrong or bad, but when you've been raised in a society by people who expect you to find and fall in love with one person, the other options do have a certain exoticness to them that needs to be cut away so that they can be looked at with the proper eye. In matters of the heart, I'm sure I'll find my own way eventually, but being out here has presented possibilities that probably would have never appeared had I stayed where I was. The difference between too few choices and too many is a slight one.
Anyway, that's enough out of me. I think I've finally laid down all the concepts and words I wanted to talk about for tonight. So, bed. Tomorrow is the last day of courses. I'm likely going to celebrate it with a pint and then with wiffleball.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 05:45 am (UTC)Or maybe it's just that I'd like to see more women wearing assless chaps instead of men. I must be one of those damnable breeder bigots, I guess. :p
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 11:42 am (UTC)I feel like I just now got to a point in my life that most of my peers were at back in high school in terms of becoming more independent from their parents. I've always been on the socially inept side, being deprived of healthy social interactions in middle school. For me, I don't necessarily see it as an illusion, but I could be wrong.
I just feel like by this time, I'm supposed to have met the person I'm going to marry
I know this feeling, I would say I know the feeling of the other things you listed but I'm not quite there yet. This one is particularly hard when several of my friends/acquaintances are getting married shortly after we graduate in May.
I also totally feel/understand the whole not knowing your own talent thing. I have been told by the one person who is downright honest with me about these things that I am modest/humble to a fault - I never have known how to take a compliment or recognition of a talent because I either feel like (1) whatever I did wasn't that big a deal or (2) they wouldn't be complimenting me if they knew the truth (either about the person I am or because I feel like someone else deserves the praise)...or something to that extent.
I guess this just means we all need more waffles and shwanekee in our lives. =)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 12:20 pm (UTC)Sounds like we have some of the same mindset about taking a copmliment gracefully - it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, or really, there's plenty on the balance of faults that talents really don't count for much. Which is probably another illusion of perception. Guess we both need to figure out how to see the world better.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 01:15 pm (UTC)And now? When all my freinds are graduating college or grad school, what am I doing? Looking at going back to undergrad. Why? We really have no idea, other than we knew we were happier when we were in college, so maybe we feel if we go back, we'll be happy again.
There's a distinct lack of genuine happiness in my life. Sure, I've got certain friends who make me happy and who I have fun with, but the majority of the time, I feel like I'm just floating around.
Some of the things I do naturally as a friend, with no interest beyond that, is apparently enough to make some people, at the very least, think highly of my suitability as a friend and beyond
You go over and above the call of regular friendship, at least with me. I do too, for the most part, and like you, I do it because, well, what else am I supposed to do?
It's an interesting thought when you wonder if you'll ever fall in love with one person, or many people, or just be affectionate and/or intimate with a wide variety of friends.
I go thorugh phases. I've done the steady in love with one person bit, and I've done the being affectionate/intimate with a bunch of friends route, and I find that even though I'm getting that affection from my close friends, I still wind up wanting the one-on-one relationships. as for being in love with multiple people...I can't decide on that, really. While I like the idea of a giant love-fest (and I've always been the one who's said I'm going to start my own hippie commune of free lovin' -- buy a house somewhere, and invite all my friends to share it with me), there's also the intimacy of one-on-one to think about. And in terms of finding a life-mate to have children with, well...as much as I want to be able to raise my children in an environment where they feel love and know it's OK to love people, I also think I'd like to be formally married to their father. Or perhaps not. I don't know, as I haven't gotten to that point in my life yet.
In matters of the heart, we all find our way eventually. It's rocky, but we'll all make it.
Tomorrow is the last day of courses. I'm likely going to celebrate it with a pint and then with wiffleball.
Congratulations. Drink one for me :)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 02:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 12:52 am (UTC)Basic concept: the creation of a (or many, for that matter) utopia. Relevant here because of its stance on the 'nuclear family', though I may be mangling various terms. Written by, I believe, a person named Skinner. (Amazon should have further information if Wikipedia doesn't.)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 05:37 pm (UTC)Many of my cousins are married and either have children or have children on the way. It's just not for me, yet, even when biology kicks in and says "Look, moron. You're in your prime vitality time .If you don't start having mates and children soon, you're not going to get any." First things first, I have to get stable enough financially to be able to raise a child before I start thinking about them.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 12:29 am (UTC)I'd also like to be able to stay at home with the kids when they're little, as opposed to shoving them in day care at the age of 8 weeks.
my biology kicks me. it likes to point out that i'm getting "old" to be a first time mom, and if I don't settle down soon, i'll wind up only having one child, because I'll be too old to have anymore.
but on the other hand, maybe i'm better off without a mate and children, but I really refuse to think that. I know I'll make an excellent mummy someday.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 12:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 12:59 am (UTC)I realize that siblings don't always get along with each other, but I thikn there is a definite advantage to growing up with a sibling.
Plus, I've got all this love to give, might as well spread it around!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:18 am (UTC)Your last paragraph, however, contains a fatal (warning: may be exaggeration) flaw.
One could apply the same logic about spreading around love to multiple husbands--which, depending on one's husband, may not be received with gladness. In terms of children, this translates to less time and fewer resources--less attention, in other words--per child.
If one has a certain amount of money in one's budget to spend on children, with two children instead of one child, each child gets half what they might otherwise (emotional effects worse if one child got all time, love, resources and/or attention before the birth of the second child). If one can afford a certain computer, for example, then either each child gets a half-as-expensive (and thus probably -as-good) computer, or they have to share a computer (EVYL.).
At this point, it's probably reasonable to note that I'm probably overreacting to your words and simply regurgitating concepts drilled into this brain by others a long time ago... however, shared love--time--attention--resources--all are lessened. That's not a reason to not have multiple children, but be aware of the details of your plan of action, and don't assume that there's isn't a bad side to said 'spreading around'.
(Okay, climbing down off someone else's soapbox now.)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:22 am (UTC)No, I really do have a lot of love to give, and I've never thought about having to share things between siblings, because, well - I don't have a sibling to share with.
But yes, I do think you are overreacting to my words :p
no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 02:03 pm (UTC)On talents: what do you enjoy doing? What do you find interesting? I suspect that your answer lies there: the concept of (for example) someone being a prodigy at something that they hate is almost unheard of. Granted, this could be for other reasons, but there's usually a connection between enjoyment and ability. (A brain being wired/orientated a certain way, for whatever reason...?)
You may have a talent--or, at least, an aptitude--for library-related things, for example. Think about it.
On the you/yourself matter, one hasn't finished reading through it yet, but: I 'smell' accuracy. (And if I could control exactly what I did and didn't think, I'd probably also get kicked less because of--
M) --being a pervert.
N) --er. Yes.) *ponders the mental control of the Triad, in particular mental sub-breakdowns of the Hub*
M) *determinedly rams metaphorical brain against hard sciences*
*reads more* Fascinating. Now, to learn how to stop picking at this skin...
*continues* My creation comes to mind. Aie, long text. But... extremely interesting. Hmm. (Control. Mental reshaping. Pleasant operating system metaphors/similes, in any case.)
M) Serial proessing--parallel processing. If we're operating in serial processing mode, what would it take to kick us into parallel processing mode?
B) Careful. (Abunai!) We don't want another reorganisation.
N) ...this 'comment' is getting extremely long, isn't it? Sorry.
B) (...though, taking into account the latest theory of Markus haven't no will to live or think without Rupert to keep him going...)
M) --which we don't have any proof of, either. Keep reading.
N) ...not us, to move... but rather, our infrastructure. Hrm. Kernal--maybe that's important? Interesting. (To make separate kernals...? Different operating systems? Damn, again: how to separate? *sighs*) Hmm.
*keeps reading* (Hrm, interesting story referenced.)
...ehh. Tagging? Difficult for the cynical or the (literally) unassuming. F, we might need your help with this.
F) Sooner or later, probably... but don't we have a lot of other things to deal with?
G) BAH. Ulg--
N/B) NO.
M) (Oh, the joys of... whatever it is. Oy. Late, tired, just get on with whatever it is we have to do next. *yawns*)
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 05:45 pm (UTC)Talents/aptitudes: Well, I would be in graduate school, paying the money I am, if I didn't like the idea of doing the work. Doesn't say much abotu what skill I will have at actually doing the work, but I do like it enough to try.
As for you/yourself: It does have rather pleasant abstraction, doesn't it? Well-suited to a technological world with wired access. I didn't realize how much it would be of use to you, but you're welcome to abstract out and utilize what you want/need to from it. It was something interesting to me.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 02:32 pm (UTC)I'll respond to your other points, arguments and concerns in real-time.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-18 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-19 01:22 am (UTC)