*sigh*

[silveradept]

I stayed up a bit late last night. In fact, I stayed up really late last night. But it was worth it. Got to talk and listen a lot with friends. Plus, brought back munchies to the house, which are never unappreciated. Things are just a bit hectic with papers and job hunting and all of that.

And TK comes in tomorrow (I think) to Ann Arbor. I'm not exactly sure what to make of it, to be honest.

I've been debating whether or not to make this a friends-only post, but I think I've finally decided against it, because it would be counter to the idea that I want to express.

Ever since the whole thing started last summer, my worldview and my confidence have been shaken a bit. First, being confronted with the matter, the choices being made on how to deal with it. I don't think that's the problem. What is, however, is that I'm not confident that the things I say I espouse and believe in are the things that I truly do believe in. I'm afraid of myself, that I have a dark spot somewhere that runs counter to what I present. It's difficult, not being able to say with conviction that "I believe this" and knowing that really, that's what I do believe. Some of these things I swore Oaths to, and I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to fulfill those oaths. I'm not sure how to resolve something like that.

It's more than a bit frightening, and I finally had the courage to admit this to myself just last night. I just don't know what will happen from here.