Dear Journal....

[silveradept]

...is it okay to want to bang my head against the wall? Is it okay to just want to go outside, scream as loud as possible and give the finger to the world and anyone who happens to go by, not because they're specifically at fault, but because I'm just pissed off at the world? Do I get the right to say that a flatmate just flat pissed me off to their face?

Do I have to be graceful when someone assumes the worst of me on an accident, and then decides to give me a couple more about some easily fixable problems? Is it bad to say that I was so angry that I took a walk around the block to cool off? Can I complain about how being myself isn't working and that I don't really want to change, but if I'm going to get anything, I'm going to have to, from the looks of it? Do I get to say that I'm already ticked off as it is about not having work, that you don't need to offer advice that I've heard already with that sort of "take it from me, the one who has work" attitude? That I'm really starting to feel like the odd man out, and I don't particularly like it?

Am I allowed to laugh my ass off when I have a moment of true Discordian Zen? Because I did. And it helped to relive some of the anger and stress that I feel, but it's not all of it.

Do I get to claim precognitive abilities when I mused this morning that I would call on a child care job and have someone say, "Sorry, we're looking for a woman." and then have it happen that same day?

Am I allowed to think that some days, it would be better just to disappear for a week and see if anybody cared enough to try and find me?

Or is this all the ravings of someone who overreacted (and overreacts) to small things and probably could just use a good night's rest?

I could use a response. Several, if you feel like incurring a bit of DID. Of course, expecting a live, useful response out of an inanimate object is a little silly, but maybe one of the subsections of my brain will respond in your guise and tell me what I need to know.

Comments

[urbankotq.livejournal.com]

We all change whether we want to or not, Silv. Being yourself can also mean changing in order to adapt to a situation; it qualifies as an aspect of personality.

my advice...

[popefelix.livejournal.com]

go smash shit. If pixels work for you, then that's cool - play some violent game. If not, find yourself some inanimate object or seven to utterly destroy. It's most cathartic.

[silveradept]

I suppose that's true, even if the change feels like an inversion of personality to achieve a particular goal.

Re: my advice...

[silveradept]

Perhaps tomorrow, if nothing better happens, I'll take my aggression out on the pixels in a video game. Maybe, maybe not. Pixels can only go so far, though.

Re: my advice...

[popefelix.livejournal.com]

Hence my suggestion of inanimate objects.

When I have a house, I'm going to build a pillar in the back yard out of scrap wood. I am then going to purchase a sword, or perhaps a staff, and whenever I feel the need I shall beat the living shit out of said pillar.

[rimspace.livejournal.com]

Just walk around the block? You cool down faster than me - I generally need something much longer (of the order of miles), running and sometimes a punchbag. And then I blow things up in games (as in rows of Big Berthas or dropping nukes from an F22.) I'm good at anger.

But change... change is a hard one. As Urban says, everyone changes. Change is inevitable. The hard part is to change without becoming that which you wish to avoid - I can't say I know much about your situation, or even who you really are, but be careful if you try to change yourself. Change just to get ahead can be very dangerous. But I doubt I need to tell you that.

Good luck though, I hope the world improves for you.

Re: my advice...

[silveradept]

Sounds like fun. But at the moment, I don't have any small, easily breakable or beatable objects, so pixels may have to do.

[silveradept]

Well, it's a wide block, probably closer to two.

And when doing the whole change bit, it's probably a positive change, but it feels a little like constructing myself as something I might not be, just so that I can get a job and help pay for the next installment of college. I'd like to believe that I'm hirable on my own merits, but that appears not to be the case.

[starkruzr.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[jamiecotc.livejournal.com]

Silver,

I know how you feel, but remember that you have helped me so very much. I thank you. My story is better due to your help. I wish there was more I could do to help. If there is, let me know. So, go take a jog, exercise or something more strenuous to get that aggression out. Just know, you’re not alone and if you need help, all you have to do is ask.

[silveradept]

There's probably not a whole lot you can do to help me, unlesss it's finding me a job in the area that I am in - that's the major stressor of my life right now. However, it's starting a funky sort of domino effect on me that I'm beginning to feel pressed in the self-worth department because I'm not gainfully employed at the moment.

The other stuff's workable, but this one's the big one. Just have to keep chugging away at it, I guess. I enjoy doing the things that I do for you, it's just that I want a punching bag some days, either to beat on or beat my head against. And then something in my head says that it's not erally OK to let all that emotion out on people, even if they helped to create it.

So I'm frustrated. Really frustrated.

[jamiecotc.livejournal.com]

The job market is bad right now, so it is no fault of your own or anything you are lacking in. I'm sure that doesn't help, but please know it is no reflection on your worth as a person. As far as taking things out on people, the best road to take is be honest, but fair. Talk it out with them. Then go home a punch a punching bag. I hope you do feel better. Take care.

[silveradept]

I know the job market's bad, but that doesn't necessarily help to take the sting out of not having a job. And it was all minor stuff that just crept up on me. I feel a little better - time wounds all heels and all that. Hopefully it doesn't become a problem.

[warwulf.livejournal.com]

I know this is going to seem like useless advice or insight...

But no matter how bad you have it, someone out there has to make do with worse. Of course, that's not very comforting to your situation. Don't fear change... change is inevitable. The only question is whether you embrace the change and go with it... or get left behind.

Go with the flow, dude. ~_^

Eh, if you're ever up for a violent computer game, I'd love someone to play with. =)

Buck up, buttercup.

-Warwulf

[silveradept]

Things are much better now, of course.

As for violent video games, which ones do you play? That way I can get beat on by multiple people at once...