Dear Journal....
Jun. 2nd, 2004 12:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradept...is it okay to want to bang my head against the wall? Is it okay to just want to go outside, scream as loud as possible and give the finger to the world and anyone who happens to go by, not because they're specifically at fault, but because I'm just pissed off at the world? Do I get the right to say that a flatmate just flat pissed me off to their face?
Do I have to be graceful when someone assumes the worst of me on an accident, and then decides to give me a couple more about some easily fixable problems? Is it bad to say that I was so angry that I took a walk around the block to cool off? Can I complain about how being myself isn't working and that I don't really want to change, but if I'm going to get anything, I'm going to have to, from the looks of it? Do I get to say that I'm already ticked off as it is about not having work, that you don't need to offer advice that I've heard already with that sort of "take it from me, the one who has work" attitude? That I'm really starting to feel like the odd man out, and I don't particularly like it?
Am I allowed to laugh my ass off when I have a moment of true Discordian Zen? Because I did. And it helped to relive some of the anger and stress that I feel, but it's not all of it.
Do I get to claim precognitive abilities when I mused this morning that I would call on a child care job and have someone say, "Sorry, we're looking for a woman." and then have it happen that same day?
Am I allowed to think that some days, it would be better just to disappear for a week and see if anybody cared enough to try and find me?
Or is this all the ravings of someone who overreacted (and overreacts) to small things and probably could just use a good night's rest?
I could use a response. Several, if you feel like incurring a bit of DID. Of course, expecting a live, useful response out of an inanimate object is a little silly, but maybe one of the subsections of my brain will respond in your guise and tell me what I need to know.
Do I have to be graceful when someone assumes the worst of me on an accident, and then decides to give me a couple more about some easily fixable problems? Is it bad to say that I was so angry that I took a walk around the block to cool off? Can I complain about how being myself isn't working and that I don't really want to change, but if I'm going to get anything, I'm going to have to, from the looks of it? Do I get to say that I'm already ticked off as it is about not having work, that you don't need to offer advice that I've heard already with that sort of "take it from me, the one who has work" attitude? That I'm really starting to feel like the odd man out, and I don't particularly like it?
Am I allowed to laugh my ass off when I have a moment of true Discordian Zen? Because I did. And it helped to relive some of the anger and stress that I feel, but it's not all of it.
Do I get to claim precognitive abilities when I mused this morning that I would call on a child care job and have someone say, "Sorry, we're looking for a woman." and then have it happen that same day?
Am I allowed to think that some days, it would be better just to disappear for a week and see if anybody cared enough to try and find me?
Or is this all the ravings of someone who overreacted (and overreacts) to small things and probably could just use a good night's rest?
I could use a response. Several, if you feel like incurring a bit of DID. Of course, expecting a live, useful response out of an inanimate object is a little silly, but maybe one of the subsections of my brain will respond in your guise and tell me what I need to know.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-02 01:14 pm (UTC)But change... change is a hard one. As Urban says, everyone changes. Change is inevitable. The hard part is to change without becoming that which you wish to avoid - I can't say I know much about your situation, or even who you really are, but be careful if you try to change yourself. Change just to get ahead can be very dangerous. But I doubt I need to tell you that.
Good luck though, I hope the world improves for you.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-02 02:56 pm (UTC)And when doing the whole change bit, it's probably a positive change, but it feels a little like constructing myself as something I might not be, just so that I can get a job and help pay for the next installment of college. I'd like to believe that I'm hirable on my own merits, but that appears not to be the case.