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silveradeptSet some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private.
I am not a goals and resolutions person. Some of that comes from the fact that I'm not all that far off from a time in my life where all of my energy was devoted to keeping a multitude of plates spinning and hoping that none of them came crashing down and that nothing that was a giant emergency happened that would upset everything. I was doing this basically by myself, and the person who was supposed to be helping with the plate spinning kept adding more plates to spin, instead. The fallout from that part of my life is still ongoing, and so, if I have goals as such, it's essentially "dig myself out from the hole I put myself in."
And note, yes, that I said "that I put myself in," despite the clear description in the previous paragraph that there was another person and their machinations involved in digging this particular hole. I am loath to blame or otherwise indicate that the situation that I am in is something that another person is responsible for, whether primarily, secondarily, or otherwise. This is a terrible habit. It tends to lead to the thought process of "Since I'm responsible for getting into this, I have to be able to get myself out of it. It would be unfair to anyone else to ask for help to fix my problems." It's a little different than the narrative people are used to, but it has the same roots of "If I asked for help, I would be admitting to an unacceptable weakness in my person. My conception of masculinity does not allow for weakness or help." There's a lot entangled in those ideas, but one relies on strength as the determining factor of worth, and the other relies on intelligence.
Things got better for me once I started seeking and accepting help, but it took me a while to get there, because I had to stop believing that I could get it all done by myself. "Getting all that done by myself" has roots in the past, too. The sorts of things that get into your head when you're a much smaller, younger being and part of your formative experiences involve people making fun of you for failure. Well, not all that much for failure and a lot more of "succeeding at a less-than-perfect level." There was a lot of success, but there was also a certain amount of "Oh, look, someone did better than Silver did on this! What a failure Silver is." that came with it from others. So the smaller-me logiced out that being perfect was the only way to avoid being teased. Show no weakness of brain, get no taunts in return. Maladaptive practices set appropriately. It makes it more difficult to start new things or to try stuff out, because being a beginner means not being able to be perfect at something.
Goals, then, just become ways of failing even more if you don't reach them. And that can start a downward spiral that's very hard to get out of. Setting goals and not achieving them, and feeling like the things aren't worth trying or doing because the goals never get met anyway. And eventually giving up on the thing itself because it's just a boulevard of broken dreams. Yes, there's a lot of advice around on the Web about setting yourself realistic achievable goals, and several frameworks that are supposed to help with those ideas. That can help someone who isn't already in a terrible brainscape figure out what looks like a good goal to shoot for. And for some of us, that's what we need. And for others, there's a lot of healing that has to happen first, before we can start getting to the idea of setting reasonable, achievable goals for ourselves that will challenge us and make us feel good for achieving them.
So, in terms of the goals that I'm setting for myself this year, I'm going to follow a useful piece of advice from an aerial silks instructor that one of my friends is taking lessons under. The advice is that successes are more important than perfection. My goals, then, are to succeed at the things that I want to do - keep the household running, write fiction on time for exchanges, collect achievements and trophies, support other people in their endeavours and goals, and be as good a professional as I can be. There aren't any specifics associated with those things because successes are more important than perfection, and I know that if I give myself specifics, I'm going to start thinking about specifics and whether or not I'm meeting them, and it's just going to be a big ball of stress involved. I'm not interested in stressing myself, or anyone else, out, because successes are more important than perfection. Way more important.
I am not a goals and resolutions person. Some of that comes from the fact that I'm not all that far off from a time in my life where all of my energy was devoted to keeping a multitude of plates spinning and hoping that none of them came crashing down and that nothing that was a giant emergency happened that would upset everything. I was doing this basically by myself, and the person who was supposed to be helping with the plate spinning kept adding more plates to spin, instead. The fallout from that part of my life is still ongoing, and so, if I have goals as such, it's essentially "dig myself out from the hole I put myself in."
And note, yes, that I said "that I put myself in," despite the clear description in the previous paragraph that there was another person and their machinations involved in digging this particular hole. I am loath to blame or otherwise indicate that the situation that I am in is something that another person is responsible for, whether primarily, secondarily, or otherwise. This is a terrible habit. It tends to lead to the thought process of "Since I'm responsible for getting into this, I have to be able to get myself out of it. It would be unfair to anyone else to ask for help to fix my problems." It's a little different than the narrative people are used to, but it has the same roots of "If I asked for help, I would be admitting to an unacceptable weakness in my person. My conception of masculinity does not allow for weakness or help." There's a lot entangled in those ideas, but one relies on strength as the determining factor of worth, and the other relies on intelligence.
Things got better for me once I started seeking and accepting help, but it took me a while to get there, because I had to stop believing that I could get it all done by myself. "Getting all that done by myself" has roots in the past, too. The sorts of things that get into your head when you're a much smaller, younger being and part of your formative experiences involve people making fun of you for failure. Well, not all that much for failure and a lot more of "succeeding at a less-than-perfect level." There was a lot of success, but there was also a certain amount of "Oh, look, someone did better than Silver did on this! What a failure Silver is." that came with it from others. So the smaller-me logiced out that being perfect was the only way to avoid being teased. Show no weakness of brain, get no taunts in return. Maladaptive practices set appropriately. It makes it more difficult to start new things or to try stuff out, because being a beginner means not being able to be perfect at something.
Goals, then, just become ways of failing even more if you don't reach them. And that can start a downward spiral that's very hard to get out of. Setting goals and not achieving them, and feeling like the things aren't worth trying or doing because the goals never get met anyway. And eventually giving up on the thing itself because it's just a boulevard of broken dreams. Yes, there's a lot of advice around on the Web about setting yourself realistic achievable goals, and several frameworks that are supposed to help with those ideas. That can help someone who isn't already in a terrible brainscape figure out what looks like a good goal to shoot for. And for some of us, that's what we need. And for others, there's a lot of healing that has to happen first, before we can start getting to the idea of setting reasonable, achievable goals for ourselves that will challenge us and make us feel good for achieving them.
So, in terms of the goals that I'm setting for myself this year, I'm going to follow a useful piece of advice from an aerial silks instructor that one of my friends is taking lessons under. The advice is that successes are more important than perfection. My goals, then, are to succeed at the things that I want to do - keep the household running, write fiction on time for exchanges, collect achievements and trophies, support other people in their endeavours and goals, and be as good a professional as I can be. There aren't any specifics associated with those things because successes are more important than perfection, and I know that if I give myself specifics, I'm going to start thinking about specifics and whether or not I'm meeting them, and it's just going to be a big ball of stress involved. I'm not interested in stressing myself, or anyone else, out, because successes are more important than perfection. Way more important.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 08:49 pm (UTC)I have a similar aversion to quantified goals. For me, it's about what is and isn't in my control, so I like to choose a quality to pay attention to and invite in, rather than demand a certain number of this or that.
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Date: 2019-01-13 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 11:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-13 11:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-14 02:43 am (UTC)Ooh.
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Date: 2019-01-14 04:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-16 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-16 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-16 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-16 01:53 pm (UTC)