Write Every Day: 26 August 02019
Aug. 26th, 2019 09:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptGreetings! This is the Write Every Day Check-in post for 26 August 02019.
It's the little things that get us, I suspect. Write close to 40k across two works because it was there and the idea took hold? No problem, and it's collected a very modest set of kudos and comments saying that people enjoyed it. Write something that's little more than 1k but has received the equivalent of crickets (it has kudos and comments because I have people subscribed to me as an author, I suspect, and they might just like my style), and it wants to insist that this is the truth and everyone else is being polite. It's wrong. What it most likely means is that the recipient didn't read, doesn't care, or wasn't interested in what they got and it reflects not at all on me as the writer.
I'm much the same way with other aspects of my life, where sometimes I can grit my teeth and get through the big stuff, knowing that on the other side of it, things will ultimately be better, even if there's a certain amount of misery now, but it'll be the small and unexpected things that pop up, like a city notification that they don't like that I've been letting the lawn and its residents grow for a bit, and they also order me to get rid of the pile of junk from when the destruction of various things that were necessary for installing the moat or cleaning out the garage. Which was a significant unexpected expense. And now every unexpected and expected thing is starting to bring zombie brainweasels of a sort that I had gotten rid of by proving that I could manage things okay with what I had.
It's objectively true that things are better now than when they were, but there's a feeling there, brought on from those times, that I've been deluding myself into thinking I'm doing okay, when I really should have been stressing much more about everything being a hairsbreadth away from ruin. Because anything other than "doing great, with a cushion left over" is "one bad situation away from penury and ruin." With a persistent brainweasel beat of "you put yourself in this situation, so you have to be able to hack it or you're a fraud and a failure."
It's not really that different from the idea that all works have to do at least reasonably well in comments and kudos or I'm really a fraud and a failure. Those weasels are insidious, and they seem to enjoy trying to find where the weak points in the defense are.
It might have been amplified a bit by some bullshit-once-removed that had to be examined to see if anything useful was in it. There wasn't, but the suggestion made there was enough to light my hair on fire and think about cruel methods to punish the people responsible for it.
And it might have been further confounded with thinking about how effective morality systems that posit only non-humans can be perfect, all others must be forgiven their faults through the perfect grace of said non-humans, are at making someone despair that they'll never be good enough, rather than encouraging them to be good enough and to keep learning how to make their good enough better. Being told "you're good people," always seems to provoke an immediate denial because comparing your internal-knowing self to the external self others see isn't fair to either side of the equation.
I'm trying to be good people, for myself and everyone around, in as many aspects as I can manage. But it always seems like the thing that sticks in my head is when I go after someone because I saw bad faith in their remark, and then they told me that I was rude and aggressive and they wouldn't have to worry about any more comments from them that were trying to help. Because it's so much easier to believe the bad things about yourself than the good ones.
So, y'know, in the grand tradition of the pot calling the kettle black, be kind to yourselves. Sometimes you only get a few words in because life demands other things. Sometimes you get a recipient that doesn't care enough to read the thing, much less do anything more with it. Sometimes the world is actively trying to gaslight you into something that's not true. (Sometimes it's someone close to you, or you're doing it to yourself because they're doing it to you as well.) The things you do are more likely to be a result of skill than luck, even if it really seems like it's the other way around.
These are things I need to hear, even if I don't actually believe them when I do.
As for actual writing, I finished up the Giving of Grief post today and plunked a couple of words into a WIP that got it to the point where the action should flow a little bit better, but I didn't have the drive to do the writing at the time, so I gave myself permission not to do it at that moment, and it's probably going to turn out better for not having pushed myself in that particular regard.
Four days before we head somewhere else and we get to hear from other people about their experiences and what sort of things come across their lives.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 1:alexcat, alexseanchai, athaia, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 2:alexcat, alexseanchai, athaia, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 3:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, talkingtothesky, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 4:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bladespark, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 5:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, shopfront, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 6:alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 7:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 8:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, talkingtothesky, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 9:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 10:alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 11:alexcat, alexseanchai, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 12:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, shopfront, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 13:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, yslime.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 14:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 15:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 16:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 17:alexcat, alexseasnchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 18:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 19:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 20:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 21:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 22:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 23:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,
People who have checked in with writing on Day 24:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,
People who have checked in with writing on Day 25:alexcat, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerfmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,
People who have checked in with writing on Day 26:alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,
It's the little things that get us, I suspect. Write close to 40k across two works because it was there and the idea took hold? No problem, and it's collected a very modest set of kudos and comments saying that people enjoyed it. Write something that's little more than 1k but has received the equivalent of crickets (it has kudos and comments because I have people subscribed to me as an author, I suspect, and they might just like my style), and it wants to insist that this is the truth and everyone else is being polite. It's wrong. What it most likely means is that the recipient didn't read, doesn't care, or wasn't interested in what they got and it reflects not at all on me as the writer.
I'm much the same way with other aspects of my life, where sometimes I can grit my teeth and get through the big stuff, knowing that on the other side of it, things will ultimately be better, even if there's a certain amount of misery now, but it'll be the small and unexpected things that pop up, like a city notification that they don't like that I've been letting the lawn and its residents grow for a bit, and they also order me to get rid of the pile of junk from when the destruction of various things that were necessary for installing the moat or cleaning out the garage. Which was a significant unexpected expense. And now every unexpected and expected thing is starting to bring zombie brainweasels of a sort that I had gotten rid of by proving that I could manage things okay with what I had.
It's objectively true that things are better now than when they were, but there's a feeling there, brought on from those times, that I've been deluding myself into thinking I'm doing okay, when I really should have been stressing much more about everything being a hairsbreadth away from ruin. Because anything other than "doing great, with a cushion left over" is "one bad situation away from penury and ruin." With a persistent brainweasel beat of "you put yourself in this situation, so you have to be able to hack it or you're a fraud and a failure."
It's not really that different from the idea that all works have to do at least reasonably well in comments and kudos or I'm really a fraud and a failure. Those weasels are insidious, and they seem to enjoy trying to find where the weak points in the defense are.
It might have been amplified a bit by some bullshit-once-removed that had to be examined to see if anything useful was in it. There wasn't, but the suggestion made there was enough to light my hair on fire and think about cruel methods to punish the people responsible for it.
And it might have been further confounded with thinking about how effective morality systems that posit only non-humans can be perfect, all others must be forgiven their faults through the perfect grace of said non-humans, are at making someone despair that they'll never be good enough, rather than encouraging them to be good enough and to keep learning how to make their good enough better. Being told "you're good people," always seems to provoke an immediate denial because comparing your internal-knowing self to the external self others see isn't fair to either side of the equation.
I'm trying to be good people, for myself and everyone around, in as many aspects as I can manage. But it always seems like the thing that sticks in my head is when I go after someone because I saw bad faith in their remark, and then they told me that I was rude and aggressive and they wouldn't have to worry about any more comments from them that were trying to help. Because it's so much easier to believe the bad things about yourself than the good ones.
So, y'know, in the grand tradition of the pot calling the kettle black, be kind to yourselves. Sometimes you only get a few words in because life demands other things. Sometimes you get a recipient that doesn't care enough to read the thing, much less do anything more with it. Sometimes the world is actively trying to gaslight you into something that's not true. (Sometimes it's someone close to you, or you're doing it to yourself because they're doing it to you as well.) The things you do are more likely to be a result of skill than luck, even if it really seems like it's the other way around.
These are things I need to hear, even if I don't actually believe them when I do.
As for actual writing, I finished up the Giving of Grief post today and plunked a couple of words into a WIP that got it to the point where the action should flow a little bit better, but I didn't have the drive to do the writing at the time, so I gave myself permission not to do it at that moment, and it's probably going to turn out better for not having pushed myself in that particular regard.
Four days before we head somewhere else and we get to hear from other people about their experiences and what sort of things come across their lives.
People who have checked in with writing on Day 1:
alexcat, alexseanchai, athaia, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 2:
alexcat, alexseanchai, athaia, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 3:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, talkingtothesky, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 4:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bladespark, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme. People who have checked in with writing on Day 5:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, shopfront, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 6:
alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sonia, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 7:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 8:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, talkingtothesky, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 9:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 10:
alexseanchai, auroracloud, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 11:
alexcat, alexseanchai, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 12:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, shopfront, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 13:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, yslime. People who have checked in with writing on Day 14:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 15:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 16:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 17:
alexcat, alexseasnchai, auroracloud, azurelunatic, boxofdelights, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 18:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, shopfront, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 19:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, magnetic_pole, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 20:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 21:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 22:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, ysilme.People who have checked in with writing on Day 23:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,People who have checked in with writing on Day 24:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, People who have checked in with writing on Day 25:
alexcat, auroracloud, bookherd, carenejeans, china_shop, cornerfmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman, People who have checked in with writing on Day 26:
alexcat, alexseanchai, auroracloud, bookherd, chanter1944, china_shop, cornerofmadness, lferion, sanguinity, silveradept, sylvanwitch, yasaman,
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 05:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 06:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 07:53 pm (UTC)1244 words for me on Like Stone
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 06:21 am (UTC)truth
anyway I outlined two new fics. the longer outline is nearly 900 words in and of itself, so even taking the format I used for guard your eggshell heart and the word count restrictions inherent therein, I'll be astonished if it comes out shorter than 8K.
…thing is I don't actually want to write either of these. or at any rate not right now. because I am well aware the 10K+ I have written in the past three days on, now, five separate projects—none of which are where the firelight fades—are a tactic to procrastinate writing where the firelight fades. (which did also get words this weekend, I think I said, but only a couple hundred of them.)
brains. yay.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 06:24 am (UTC)Also, wordcount, yay, but wordcount in service of distraction is less yay?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 06:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 06:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 07:31 am (UTC)Yeah, sometimes little things will get you. Hard to know in advance where the breaking point is.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 07:40 am (UTC)Thank you for all your comments and support. They really helped.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 02:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-27 11:07 pm (UTC)I wrote 414 words on notes on the minor characters in the ambush project novel and feel a lot better about the new chapter one, whenever I find the energy and time to get around to writing it (hopefully this coming weekend).
no subject
Date: 2019-08-28 02:00 am (UTC)