Fandom Snowflake 2020 #12: Kindness Is.
Jan. 23rd, 2020 06:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptChallenge #12 asks us to increase the amount of kindness in the world through our actions. This does not have to involve other people or entities.
In terms of being kind to oneself, Challenge #7 was how I did it. Because I know I can wield other people's words against myself when I want to believe that there's no reason for anyone to think positively of me.
I use![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
awesomeers for accountability, as a daily reminder that there is usually one thing, even in the worst of days, that was a positive thing that happened, and that even if I have to think about it, I can find it.
One of the more insidious things about doing good things is that we only have a few models of what it looks like, and many of them are products of a philosophy that very explicitly roots itself in the idea that human beings by themselves are unable to do anything that is morally good, and it is only through the intervention of entities that are not human that we haven't yet destroyed ourselves in a frenzy. (And subsequently, that we owe our allegiance to this entity for this intervention, and should unquestioningly obey that entity's chosen representatives on Terra. Yes, this applies to a whole swath of the Protestants, too.)
In many of those spaces, Chapter 6 of the Book of Matthew is their guiding example of how one does things, stressing secrecy and not making a show of your kindness. When taken in conjunction with the story of the woman who gives alms not from her excess wealth, but from what she needs to survive, it fits into a greater narrative about how pain and suffering for your beliefs is a sign that you are doing something right. It's not "give until it hurts", it's "give well past the point that it hurts, but don't let anyone know you're hurting."
Incidentally, and not at all because it still has significance in our world today, this "give and suffer in silence" idea is pretty commonly used by people who are trying to justify the inequality of the world and to make the small and poor people accept their lot in life, rather than turning their eyes upon the rich and rapacious and demanding that if they truly believe in the tenets of the religion they profess, they should uplift their workers, forgive their debts, render into Caesar what is Caesar's, treat aliens as though they are natives and citizens, and do so without making it into being all about them. Because, after all, faith without works is dead.
Even in a non-religious setting, there are (as mentioned in my post for Challenge #7) highly gendered expectations around praise, sacrifice, kindness, boasting, and what qualifies as something out of the ordinary enough to get one of these extra adjectives. For as much as it has become a general-use term, Arlie Hochschild's idea of emotional labor attempts to make explicit and quantifiable the portion of a person's work that is involved in managing the emotions and expectations of others, usually through the projection of a cheerful attitude and a willingness to assist other people, even when those same people have long since demonstrated that they are uninterested in providing even the basics of prosocial behavior toward the employee. Combine that problem with Fobazi Ettarh's concept of vocational awe, and you end up in a situation where people in certain professions (that are almost all comprised of people of a certain gender) perform what would otherwise be seen as acts of grace, kindness, and sacrifice as a regular, thankless part of their work, often for wages far less than they deserve for the labor they put in.
If they receive any wages at all, that is, as a lot of this emotional labor is done by, and vocational awe directed at, marginalized people. Because that is the only way they survive against the -isms and their practitioners that will turn upon them as soon as a marginalized person begins to suggest, much less demand, that they be treated as a person, full stop.
The problem often hinges on the idea that kindness is something done above and beyond the baseline of normal, an extra step taken, and therefore, an imbalance created between the person giving the kindness and the person receiving it. The person receiving is expected to be grateful or thankful for it, even if what was supposedly a kindness turns out to be a greater burden or a setback rather than an assistance. And thus, you get the snippy, "Well, I was only trying to help!" from someone who didn't understand that their help isn't helpful. Or who have mistaken kindness for any number of patronizing or infantilizing behaviors they are doing instead.
Or, obversely to the idea that kindness requires specific effort, there is a thought that kind things cannot be ordinary, when often times, treating someone as ordinary is one of the most affirming things you can do. Because people who struggle to make themselves known and to live authentically as they are against a system that insists at every turn that they are wrong and cannot possibly be who they say they are, cannot possibly have the same rights and privileges, and cannot be part of the class of "people", need respite from that struggle. If you are someone who affirms them and does not require them to pretend or disclaim themselves in your presence, then you do good works. I will agree with you when you say that it is the lowest bar of prosocial behavior, that it should not be seen as kindness, because it should never be seen as a favor to acknowledge someone as the person they are. Yet, with so many people failing to clear this lowest of hurdles, what else can offering rest to the weary be but a kindness?
And, you know, as you gather expertise in a thing, and significantly more complicated things become within your grasp to do in the same amount of time, the bad of what requires special effort moves, as well. Things that are "just doing my job" or "It's only a hobby" or other such things can have meaningful impacts in other people's lives. As I found out myself, treating someone as a serious querant, and giving them the professional standard of assistance for my work, helped someone maintain an interest and chose to devote themselves to a course of study later on in life. I certainly wouldn't consider it a kindness, but see above about the kindness in treating a person as a full participant who knows their own mind, is worth listening to, and trying to understand and assist them in their goals.
There is a quote I see regularly that is far more radical about the idea of kindness than I usually contemplate, because it tackles head-on the idea of the imbalance of kindness, and the brainweasels that come after you and insist that the only reason people do good things for others, (and especially for you) is because they want to be kind to someone who doesn't deserve anyone else's help and who isn't worthy of being part of the community of "people".
Which is to say, the challenge is completed every day, every time I use someone's pronouns correctly, when I thank people for loading and unloading the dishwasher, for making food, and for writing really neat things for me to read. For every time where I fight the weasels off, or when I take time to myself, or even when I tell myself to do something, because if I look like a mediocre white dude, I should have the confidence of one, as well. Because I'm as guilty as others of thinking that kindness needs to be big, and planned, and done selflessly, with no expectation that things will improve or good consequences will redound to me for what I have done.
And it's really kind of others to tell me that I'm wrong when I want to blame myself for everything that goes wrong, or think I'm responsible for the misfortune of others. Old habits die harder, and double-Hufflepuffs can get caught in a trap that says "if only I work harder, then everyone else can be happy." So it can really be kind when someone says "Okay. Have fun." when I say I want to do something for myself.
This challenge can be interpreted in many ways and all of them are valid. Some people go out of their way to open doors, say hello to strangers, give something, take a burden from someone. Some people stroll through people’s Wishlist and grant wishes. [a reference to Challenge #6] Maybe your kindness this year will be to yourself. Maybe you’ll take yourself out for a nice meal, tell yourself how awesome you are in the mirror in the morning.There's also an explicit disclaimer on the idea that talking about what you are doing ruins the kindness value of it.
Maybe you think your kindnesses have to be selfless or that posting about them will make you feel like you’re bragging. It’s okay, firstly it’s not if it’s an assignment, but more importantly, like all challenges, you only have to do what you are comfortable with. That’s our kindness to you. ♥.And the whole thing leads with a quote from someone nearly-universally considered to be a kind man, from all those who met him, whether in person or through the television screen.
Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.It would be been nice to have this challenge coincide with this year's More Joy Day on 17 January, but schedule coordination is always a bear. (And now you know another thing that is all about spreading joy and kindness in the world.)
--Mister Rogers
In terms of being kind to oneself, Challenge #7 was how I did it. Because I know I can wield other people's words against myself when I want to believe that there's no reason for anyone to think positively of me.
I use
awesomeers for accountability, as a daily reminder that there is usually one thing, even in the worst of days, that was a positive thing that happened, and that even if I have to think about it, I can find it.One of the more insidious things about doing good things is that we only have a few models of what it looks like, and many of them are products of a philosophy that very explicitly roots itself in the idea that human beings by themselves are unable to do anything that is morally good, and it is only through the intervention of entities that are not human that we haven't yet destroyed ourselves in a frenzy. (And subsequently, that we owe our allegiance to this entity for this intervention, and should unquestioningly obey that entity's chosen representatives on Terra. Yes, this applies to a whole swath of the Protestants, too.)
In many of those spaces, Chapter 6 of the Book of Matthew is their guiding example of how one does things, stressing secrecy and not making a show of your kindness. When taken in conjunction with the story of the woman who gives alms not from her excess wealth, but from what she needs to survive, it fits into a greater narrative about how pain and suffering for your beliefs is a sign that you are doing something right. It's not "give until it hurts", it's "give well past the point that it hurts, but don't let anyone know you're hurting."
Incidentally, and not at all because it still has significance in our world today, this "give and suffer in silence" idea is pretty commonly used by people who are trying to justify the inequality of the world and to make the small and poor people accept their lot in life, rather than turning their eyes upon the rich and rapacious and demanding that if they truly believe in the tenets of the religion they profess, they should uplift their workers, forgive their debts, render into Caesar what is Caesar's, treat aliens as though they are natives and citizens, and do so without making it into being all about them. Because, after all, faith without works is dead.
Even in a non-religious setting, there are (as mentioned in my post for Challenge #7) highly gendered expectations around praise, sacrifice, kindness, boasting, and what qualifies as something out of the ordinary enough to get one of these extra adjectives. For as much as it has become a general-use term, Arlie Hochschild's idea of emotional labor attempts to make explicit and quantifiable the portion of a person's work that is involved in managing the emotions and expectations of others, usually through the projection of a cheerful attitude and a willingness to assist other people, even when those same people have long since demonstrated that they are uninterested in providing even the basics of prosocial behavior toward the employee. Combine that problem with Fobazi Ettarh's concept of vocational awe, and you end up in a situation where people in certain professions (that are almost all comprised of people of a certain gender) perform what would otherwise be seen as acts of grace, kindness, and sacrifice as a regular, thankless part of their work, often for wages far less than they deserve for the labor they put in.
If they receive any wages at all, that is, as a lot of this emotional labor is done by, and vocational awe directed at, marginalized people. Because that is the only way they survive against the -isms and their practitioners that will turn upon them as soon as a marginalized person begins to suggest, much less demand, that they be treated as a person, full stop.
The problem often hinges on the idea that kindness is something done above and beyond the baseline of normal, an extra step taken, and therefore, an imbalance created between the person giving the kindness and the person receiving it. The person receiving is expected to be grateful or thankful for it, even if what was supposedly a kindness turns out to be a greater burden or a setback rather than an assistance. And thus, you get the snippy, "Well, I was only trying to help!" from someone who didn't understand that their help isn't helpful. Or who have mistaken kindness for any number of patronizing or infantilizing behaviors they are doing instead.
Or, obversely to the idea that kindness requires specific effort, there is a thought that kind things cannot be ordinary, when often times, treating someone as ordinary is one of the most affirming things you can do. Because people who struggle to make themselves known and to live authentically as they are against a system that insists at every turn that they are wrong and cannot possibly be who they say they are, cannot possibly have the same rights and privileges, and cannot be part of the class of "people", need respite from that struggle. If you are someone who affirms them and does not require them to pretend or disclaim themselves in your presence, then you do good works. I will agree with you when you say that it is the lowest bar of prosocial behavior, that it should not be seen as kindness, because it should never be seen as a favor to acknowledge someone as the person they are. Yet, with so many people failing to clear this lowest of hurdles, what else can offering rest to the weary be but a kindness?
And, you know, as you gather expertise in a thing, and significantly more complicated things become within your grasp to do in the same amount of time, the bad of what requires special effort moves, as well. Things that are "just doing my job" or "It's only a hobby" or other such things can have meaningful impacts in other people's lives. As I found out myself, treating someone as a serious querant, and giving them the professional standard of assistance for my work, helped someone maintain an interest and chose to devote themselves to a course of study later on in life. I certainly wouldn't consider it a kindness, but see above about the kindness in treating a person as a full participant who knows their own mind, is worth listening to, and trying to understand and assist them in their goals.
There is a quote I see regularly that is far more radical about the idea of kindness than I usually contemplate, because it tackles head-on the idea of the imbalance of kindness, and the brainweasels that come after you and insist that the only reason people do good things for others, (and especially for you) is because they want to be kind to someone who doesn't deserve anyone else's help and who isn't worthy of being part of the community of "people".
You are not a burden.The rest of the post is worth reading. These are just the first few paragraphs.
You are a human being, and your life can be rich, full, complete, fulfilling, and meaningful on that basis alone.
You have the same natural right to life and equality and access and opportunity as anyone else does, and anyone who claims that you are a burden is insecure and ableist.
You are beautiful beyond vision, talented beyond measure, intelligent beyond comprehension, and bursting with the amazing capacity to live well and meaningfully and to share your unique perspective and way of existing in the world with everyone you encounter.
Lydia Brown, at Autistic Hoya
Which is to say, the challenge is completed every day, every time I use someone's pronouns correctly, when I thank people for loading and unloading the dishwasher, for making food, and for writing really neat things for me to read. For every time where I fight the weasels off, or when I take time to myself, or even when I tell myself to do something, because if I look like a mediocre white dude, I should have the confidence of one, as well. Because I'm as guilty as others of thinking that kindness needs to be big, and planned, and done selflessly, with no expectation that things will improve or good consequences will redound to me for what I have done.
And it's really kind of others to tell me that I'm wrong when I want to blame myself for everything that goes wrong, or think I'm responsible for the misfortune of others. Old habits die harder, and double-Hufflepuffs can get caught in a trap that says "if only I work harder, then everyone else can be happy." So it can really be kind when someone says "Okay. Have fun." when I say I want to do something for myself.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-24 02:51 am (UTC)It's pretty interesting, how much Stuff is caught up in the concept of Kindness. I've been prodding at the term and how it's presented on the internet off and on today. Sometimes I'm not sure people understand what kindness *is* when they champion it. Humans - so bewildering.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-24 04:00 am (UTC)There really is a whole lot of Stuff caught up in the concept of kindness. To the point where "being cruel to be kind" is a phrase of the language.
I do like the idea of kindness as an act of resistance to the world around.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-26 05:56 am (UTC)I've found it to be a particularly good way to process the current Dominant Paradigm shenanigans, and do good [or at least useful] things with the accompanying rage.