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silveradept[The December Days theme this year is "Things I Used To Fully Believe About Myself." Some of these things might be familiar, some of them might be things you still believe about yourself, and some of them may be painful and traumatic for you based on your own beliefs and memories. The nice thing about text is that you can step away from it at any point and I won't know.]
#5: "My Needs Are The Lowest Priority."
I do have opinions on things. You can see them here and elsewhere. And while I often take the joke from Whad'Ya Know about how all of my opinions are well-reasoned and insightful (needless to say, they are not the opinions of my employer, partners, or the general society), for a lot of the quotidian things in life, or the things that marketing departments want to convince us we should all have specific brand loyalty about, I don't have an opinion, or it's not a strong enough one that I want to put it in contention with someone else's opinion. (Or their allergies and/or dietary requirements.)
This makes me an easygoing kind of person. So long as you don't hit one of the spots where I will dig my heels in, I go along with a lot. I'm adaptable and flexible, and I'm perfectly fine with giving way to someone who has a strong opinion on the matter if all the options presented are generally okay with me. There may be some that I would like more than others, but I'd rather that everyone participates and has fun on the things they're strongly-opinionated about than saying that we have to do the thing that's 5 happiness for me instead of the thing that's 4 happiness for me. I'm way more sensitive to someone else's unhappiness, and likely to make my advocacy the cause for it, even if my preference has nothing to do with their happiness. (See #4, "It's Always My Fault.") Which in turn tends to bring out both my problem-solving and people-managing parts to try and engineer a solution that works. Rejection sensitivity is part of the parcel that came with the variable attention stimulus trait, and that also leads towards not raising an objection unless it is a strong one. I gave an example to an incoming manager at one of our other locations that works metaphorically for his I usually handle my own objections: Librarian T is loud, outspoken, opinionated, and often right. When Librarian H says something, pay attention, because she's almost always right and rarely says anything. Most of the time, I'm more H than T, unless you're treading on my expertise, and then you run into "well-reasoned and insightful", delivered by the finest ballistae labor can build.
Because of that rejection sensitivity, I also deliver my objections less directly than others might. "That's not my preference." "I don't think so." "Not my first choice." "That's not what I was expecting." "Not right now." The kinds of phrases that are often drilled into perceived women so they don't commit the heinous sin of open disagreement with a man, or that subordinates have to use so they don't commit the corporate sin of openly disagreeing with a manager. It is a way of speaking that allows someone to say what is necessary, but it leaves open the possibility that the person being disagreed with will go forward anyway, because they're more powerful or because they weren't given a stop signal they had to respect.
And now we get to talk about one of the many less-charming aspects of the bad relationship I was in for the first almost-decade or so of my post-university life. My ex in that relationship took my indirect statements of no as my saying "Convince me." I was trying to gauge how strongly her opinion was on the matter, by saying no, but not a direct and unequivocal no, because sometimes you do compromise or give way when the case is made that something is both necessary and immediate. It was several years into the relationship before she told me that she wouldn't take anything but a direct no as a no, and that all other ways of going about it were seen as an opportunity to convince me to do things her way. Combined with other aspects of the relationship (we'll get to some of them later on in this series,) I was almost always in a state of worry about resources and needs and trying to figure out if there were solutions. One of those solutions was essentially denying myself anything that would make me happy that I hadn't meticulously planned for and knew where the funds were coming from for it, so that there might be enough slack for when she wanted something that wasn't planned for, and then indicated to me that she really wanted it by not accepting my indirect no (however strongly that indirect no had been stated.) Even after she told me how to make my no stick and I started using the direct no that she told me to (and then would be unhappy with me for using so that she would understand that I meant no), at that point, I was still in the necessary habit of subjugating my own needs to her wants and what she said were her needs. (Because sometimes I would give in to her even after saying no, because the harmony that would be achieved was going to be more important to my immediate mental health than sticking to my no.)
(There's probably something in here as well about how what little monies I got from doing odd jobs or from family gifts were immediately squirreled away in a bank account for later for most of my childhood, and my mother generally shopped while the children were at school, and therefore there were no opportunities for the checkstand meltdown, as it were. Conversely, when money was needed for various purposes, it was usually there and available, because middle-class upbringing, but even then, it was usually for things like after school activities or various fees for university expenses. There's weren't a lot of approved opportunities to do things for myself for a lot of my life, both as a dependent and then into the bad relationship, is what I'm saying.)
This statement I don't believe fully any more, but it's taken a lot of help to get to that point, from professionals and others. I still am pretty flexible on a lot of things, and I'm still okay with doing 4 happiness things that bring others 10 happiness. It can still be a struggle, though, to look at something, do the research on it, think about what uses I could put it to (or where it would look great as a decoration), decide the price is okay for it, and then actually hit the purchase button for myself. Even for things that I know I'm going to enjoy, because I still have a very tuned sense that my needs and wants go to the bottom of the pile, as the most able, most flexible, generally most privileged person in the situation and because of the possibility that such resources could be used in the future for some other, more worthy, more helpful and selfless thing. Because someone else could use those resources more now, as well. But I've also been able to make progress on recognizing my own states of mind and body and when those need breaks or rest, and I have people around me who recognize and respect the indirect no, and who will put things on lists for the future, or who will explain the severity of the situation up front so I can make better decisions about now or soon. And, occasionally, who put their feet down and tell me that I have to take time for myself as well and shove on me hard to go do enjoyable things because they've seen me do a lot of self-sacrificing for the good of everyone. It's been helpful to have them for climbing out of the wreckage of the bad relationship, and for reframing (and reminding me of the reframing of) the habits and beliefs that I had acquired as survival mechanisms in that relationship. It is still a work in progress, but progress has been made.
#5: "My Needs Are The Lowest Priority."
I do have opinions on things. You can see them here and elsewhere. And while I often take the joke from Whad'Ya Know about how all of my opinions are well-reasoned and insightful (needless to say, they are not the opinions of my employer, partners, or the general society), for a lot of the quotidian things in life, or the things that marketing departments want to convince us we should all have specific brand loyalty about, I don't have an opinion, or it's not a strong enough one that I want to put it in contention with someone else's opinion. (Or their allergies and/or dietary requirements.)
This makes me an easygoing kind of person. So long as you don't hit one of the spots where I will dig my heels in, I go along with a lot. I'm adaptable and flexible, and I'm perfectly fine with giving way to someone who has a strong opinion on the matter if all the options presented are generally okay with me. There may be some that I would like more than others, but I'd rather that everyone participates and has fun on the things they're strongly-opinionated about than saying that we have to do the thing that's 5 happiness for me instead of the thing that's 4 happiness for me. I'm way more sensitive to someone else's unhappiness, and likely to make my advocacy the cause for it, even if my preference has nothing to do with their happiness. (See #4, "It's Always My Fault.") Which in turn tends to bring out both my problem-solving and people-managing parts to try and engineer a solution that works. Rejection sensitivity is part of the parcel that came with the variable attention stimulus trait, and that also leads towards not raising an objection unless it is a strong one. I gave an example to an incoming manager at one of our other locations that works metaphorically for his I usually handle my own objections: Librarian T is loud, outspoken, opinionated, and often right. When Librarian H says something, pay attention, because she's almost always right and rarely says anything. Most of the time, I'm more H than T, unless you're treading on my expertise, and then you run into "well-reasoned and insightful", delivered by the finest ballistae labor can build.
Because of that rejection sensitivity, I also deliver my objections less directly than others might. "That's not my preference." "I don't think so." "Not my first choice." "That's not what I was expecting." "Not right now." The kinds of phrases that are often drilled into perceived women so they don't commit the heinous sin of open disagreement with a man, or that subordinates have to use so they don't commit the corporate sin of openly disagreeing with a manager. It is a way of speaking that allows someone to say what is necessary, but it leaves open the possibility that the person being disagreed with will go forward anyway, because they're more powerful or because they weren't given a stop signal they had to respect.
And now we get to talk about one of the many less-charming aspects of the bad relationship I was in for the first almost-decade or so of my post-university life. My ex in that relationship took my indirect statements of no as my saying "Convince me." I was trying to gauge how strongly her opinion was on the matter, by saying no, but not a direct and unequivocal no, because sometimes you do compromise or give way when the case is made that something is both necessary and immediate. It was several years into the relationship before she told me that she wouldn't take anything but a direct no as a no, and that all other ways of going about it were seen as an opportunity to convince me to do things her way. Combined with other aspects of the relationship (we'll get to some of them later on in this series,) I was almost always in a state of worry about resources and needs and trying to figure out if there were solutions. One of those solutions was essentially denying myself anything that would make me happy that I hadn't meticulously planned for and knew where the funds were coming from for it, so that there might be enough slack for when she wanted something that wasn't planned for, and then indicated to me that she really wanted it by not accepting my indirect no (however strongly that indirect no had been stated.) Even after she told me how to make my no stick and I started using the direct no that she told me to (and then would be unhappy with me for using so that she would understand that I meant no), at that point, I was still in the necessary habit of subjugating my own needs to her wants and what she said were her needs. (Because sometimes I would give in to her even after saying no, because the harmony that would be achieved was going to be more important to my immediate mental health than sticking to my no.)
(There's probably something in here as well about how what little monies I got from doing odd jobs or from family gifts were immediately squirreled away in a bank account for later for most of my childhood, and my mother generally shopped while the children were at school, and therefore there were no opportunities for the checkstand meltdown, as it were. Conversely, when money was needed for various purposes, it was usually there and available, because middle-class upbringing, but even then, it was usually for things like after school activities or various fees for university expenses. There's weren't a lot of approved opportunities to do things for myself for a lot of my life, both as a dependent and then into the bad relationship, is what I'm saying.)
This statement I don't believe fully any more, but it's taken a lot of help to get to that point, from professionals and others. I still am pretty flexible on a lot of things, and I'm still okay with doing 4 happiness things that bring others 10 happiness. It can still be a struggle, though, to look at something, do the research on it, think about what uses I could put it to (or where it would look great as a decoration), decide the price is okay for it, and then actually hit the purchase button for myself. Even for things that I know I'm going to enjoy, because I still have a very tuned sense that my needs and wants go to the bottom of the pile, as the most able, most flexible, generally most privileged person in the situation and because of the possibility that such resources could be used in the future for some other, more worthy, more helpful and selfless thing. Because someone else could use those resources more now, as well. But I've also been able to make progress on recognizing my own states of mind and body and when those need breaks or rest, and I have people around me who recognize and respect the indirect no, and who will put things on lists for the future, or who will explain the severity of the situation up front so I can make better decisions about now or soon. And, occasionally, who put their feet down and tell me that I have to take time for myself as well and shove on me hard to go do enjoyable things because they've seen me do a lot of self-sacrificing for the good of everyone. It's been helpful to have them for climbing out of the wreckage of the bad relationship, and for reframing (and reminding me of the reframing of) the habits and beliefs that I had acquired as survival mechanisms in that relationship. It is still a work in progress, but progress has been made.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-06 09:09 am (UTC)This can lead to amusing moments in hi fi shops! :o)
no subject
Date: 2023-12-06 03:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-06 04:06 pm (UTC)Hugs to you, and fierce defiant joy for the progress you've made.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-06 05:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-07 12:34 am (UTC)BIG handshake on the willingness to put my own wants last. It's a heck of a struggle, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2023-12-07 03:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-08 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-08 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-11 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-12-11 11:54 pm (UTC)