Brain running in circles.

[silveradept]

So, I did the Band-O-Rama concert tonight. Warm, yes, crowded, yes, but overall a shorter concert than the other one we give and so, more bearable, in a sense. Got through the program with no major memory lapses. Sounded good from where I was, and the family audience members said it sounded good, too. (Of course, they'll always say that, but...)

Even if I've done it before, it bears repeating. Click the link for the book of Eris.

But before you do that, have a gander at this! (Not Necessarily Safe For Work, as it involves talking about a guy who thought that wanking off was he worst thing to do.) And if that sort of subject matter is your thing, this article about how far cartoons can go (where people can't) in graphic imagery is worth a read.

And now, to the reason I occasionally want my brain to just Be Silent - for the nasty bastard has once again tried to shoot holes in my positive images. The set-up is today's concert. One of our trombonists could not find her uniform, and had not been informed as to whether it was in the custody of the Equipment Staff, being held for ransom (which is basically the truth), so she searched the places that it could have been before, and it was not there. So, nearly in tears, she appears at our staging area. As things would turn out, this same Equipment Staff carries extra uniforms on trips and such in case of forgetting (or misrouting, I suppose). So, she was able to get suited up, even if things were a bit large. A few pins later, and she would be fine.

Now, even as we're getting things ready for her, she's still looking a bit moist around the eyes, so I lean over and give her a hug and say that it will get better soon. And it was sincere, as best I can tell. Good deed done, case closed, right?

Not with my brain. It seized the opportunity to make me think about my self-image again. It brought back the two major fears. The minor major fear is that I'm really just building a facade, and that the "real self" is not nearly as kind-hearted and hopefully pleasant and virtuous as the self-delusion is. It is a fear that I still struggle with. The major major fear is that virtue itself is the illusion - that all things done in the name of virtue or good really have a more selfish motive behind them. It's the illusion of the minor fear, but extended to the whole concept and to all people. I can't find a suitable defense against either of them, probably because I'm too involved in both to make an objective decision about it. I suppose I should be wondering if it's even worth the space in my mind to worry about it.

The other rattle in my brain is about my life. Lately I've been wondering if it would be good to have an adventure like Hitomi (from Escaflowne) or Miaka (Fushigi Yugi) or to buy the Magic Kingdom of Landover. Just a want to have the crystal, or the book, or something that takes me away to a different world, a high adventure in an Elsewhere. A Mary Sue sort of story, I suppose, where I get the chance to be the hero, maybe even save the world. Something so that I could be satisfied with the life I have, because I had done the great adventure and triumphed. Is it silly to want something like that? Does it betray a lack of maturity of mind?

I suppose that's why I have my Soulbonds. They're the sides that don't often have my problems, or can solve them in their way, or are just there to talk about it. It's probably not such a good thing about me that I would probably trade my world for theirs, at least for a while. It might just be stress getting to me, but even when I'm not stressed out, I still wish for these things every now and then. Is there something amiss in my brain? Loose, perhaps?

The Kingdom of Zeal, where dreams come true... but at what price?

Comments

[rimspace.livejournal.com]

The minor major fear is that I'm really just building a facade, and that the "real self" is not nearly as kind-hearted and hopefully pleasant and virtuous as the self-delusion is.
A facade between what though? You and the world? Or between you and yourself? The former... those are often needed, the world probably could work without them. But the latter.

Gah, this is hard to word, must resist the urge to become cryptic...

The problem is, I guess, that your view of yourself is holding yourself to an ideal, a state you wish you could achieve and you doubt your progress, or if you will ever get there. And in doing so you are harsh on yourself, judging everything against the ideal of who you want to be rather than who you are. And you fear that every step you take towards that idea may not be a real step, just a perception of it, an illusion?

The major major fear is that virtue itself is the illusion - that all things done in the name of virtue or good really have a more selfish motive behind them.
Better philosophers than I have argued about that one for a long time, hell even Aristotle and chums pulled beards over it. But perhaps the best question to ask isn't whether altruisitc actions can truly exist, it's whether it actually matters. Does a good deed become any less good because it makes you feel better to have done it? Does a gift lose value to the recipient because there's a chance it may be reciprocated at some point in the future? If so, why?

Is it silly to want something like that? Does it betray a lack of maturity of mind?
No. It is better than the alternative.

where dreams come true... but at what price?
Dreams themselves.

[silveradept]

The problem is, I guess, that your view of yourself is holding yourself to an ideal, a state you wish you could achieve and you doubt your progress, or if you will ever get there. And in doing so you are harsh on yourself, judging everything against the ideal of who you want to be rather than who you are. And you fear that every step you take towards that idea may not be a real step, just a perception of it, an illusion?

Indeed. Or worse, that it goes in the right direction for the wrong reasons, which contribute to a great failure later on.

Does a good deed become any less good because it makes you feel better to have done it? Does a gift lose value to the recipient because there's a chance it may be reciprocated at some point in the future? If so, why?

Put that way, no. The question is aimed more at motivation, but as you said, some of the big names have taken swings at this and we're still talking about it. Maybe it's one of the unsolved mysteries of the universe.

- Is it silly to want something like that? Does it betray a lack of maturity of mind?
- No. It is better than the alternative.

I was unaware that there even was an alternative. What could it be?

...At what price?
Dreams themselves.

I guess having ambitions really is necessary for survival, isn't it?

[rimspace.livejournal.com]

Or worse, that it goes in the right direction for the wrong reasons, which contribute to a great failure later on.
That's a risk inherant in any attempt at self-improvement - that there may be some event, some situation, that provokes a reaction that makes it seem as if none of that effort has had any useful product. But what do you believe when you're doing something? Not the bit after, where you're analysing yourself and pulling apart your actions, but when you actually do it? Do you need to consider, to work out what you will gain from an act? If not, isn't it possible that it is a real step in the right direction even if your later considered analysis draws up a range of ways that you may make you question your motives? IME it is trivial to read motives into actions during self-criticism regardless of the true intent, if there was any intent and not just instinct, of the act.

Maybe it's one of the unsolved mysteries of the universe.
Blame Godel. ;)

I was unaware that there even was an alternative. What could it be?
To not want to escape, to give in. To turn off, resign to the world of pointless diversions and predictable days, doing what you are allocated, going around forever in your wheel and never looking out. To stop imagining worlds where things are what you wish they could be and replace your dreams with The Dream, the dictated way you are supposed to live. Because when you dream of a different life in a different world, you won't be content to let yours stay as it is. It isn't immature, it isn't silly.

I guess having ambitions really is necessary for survival, isn't it?
Survival? Probably not. Mankind could survive without dreams, ambitions, hopes. But we'd be unrecognisable primatives, barely distinguisable from our ape ancestors, eking out an existence on the Edge, content and even unaware that life could be any different. Dreams are what drive us, show us what the would might be and what we might be able do if we try.

[silveradept]

IME it is trivial to read motives into actions during self-criticism regardless of the true intent, if there was any intent and not just instinct, of the act.

So unless I thought about it beforehand as to why I'm doing it, it's really not worth thinking about why I did it afterwards? That my instinctive acts are the ones that betray my mental landscae the clearest?

Blame Godel. ;)

I will, thank you, and I'll beat him soundly while I'm at it.

To not want to escape, to give in. To turn off, resign to the world of pointless diversions and predictable days, doing what you are allocated, going around forever in your wheel and never looking out. To stop imagining worlds where things are what you wish they could be and replace your dreams with The Dream, the dictated way you are supposed to live.

Something about that felt very cold and lifeless. I don't like it, and I think you've made your point. Hopefully I never start wanting what you describe there.

Dreams are what drive us, show us what the would might be and what we might be able do if we try.

Dreams are what make us human, huh? Somehow, out of all the things that I've heard are the distinguishing characteristics of homo sapiens, I wouldn't have thought to put dreams on that list. But you make a pretty good case for it.

[rimspace.livejournal.com]

That my instinctive acts are the ones that betray my mental landscae the clearest?
Perhaps, they certainly show who you are. But yes, any action can be brought into doubt, no matter how truly "good" it was so I'd argue that, unless it is premeditated, when you do somehting good you "mean" it - it isn't something done for later reward, even though anthropologists could probably argue it.

Dreams are what make us human, huh?
They are a big part of it, but on their own... many (if not all?) species of mammal dream to some extent so the ability to dream is not enough. What makes us human isn't just the ability to dream, it's the ability to share it: passing the dream to others through stories. A dream in one mind is just that: a dream. A dream in many minds can be the future.

[silveradept]

I see. Makes sense, that. Although, sometimes there's a snap decision and then later rumination, especially if there's a delay between decision and execution. I don't know whether to gauge the initial decision as the one I "mean" or not.

And with dreams, communication is the key. Being able to share our dreams makes us able to do things otherwise thought impossible.

Thanks, man. That helps.