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Brain running in circles.
Oct. 24th, 2004 01:52 amSo, I did the Band-O-Rama concert tonight. Warm, yes, crowded, yes, but overall a shorter concert than the other one we give and so, more bearable, in a sense. Got through the program with no major memory lapses. Sounded good from where I was, and the family audience members said it sounded good, too. (Of course, they'll always say that, but...)
Even if I've done it before, it bears repeating. Click the link for the book of Eris.
But before you do that, have a gander at this! (Not Necessarily Safe For Work, as it involves talking about a guy who thought that wanking off was he worst thing to do.) And if that sort of subject matter is your thing, this article about how far cartoons can go (where people can't) in graphic imagery is worth a read.
And now, to the reason I occasionally want my brain to just Be Silent - for the nasty bastard has once again tried to shoot holes in my positive images. The set-up is today's concert. One of our trombonists could not find her uniform, and had not been informed as to whether it was in the custody of the Equipment Staff, being held for ransom (which is basically the truth), so she searched the places that it could have been before, and it was not there. So, nearly in tears, she appears at our staging area. As things would turn out, this same Equipment Staff carries extra uniforms on trips and such in case of forgetting (or misrouting, I suppose). So, she was able to get suited up, even if things were a bit large. A few pins later, and she would be fine.
Now, even as we're getting things ready for her, she's still looking a bit moist around the eyes, so I lean over and give her a hug and say that it will get better soon. And it was sincere, as best I can tell. Good deed done, case closed, right?
Not with my brain. It seized the opportunity to make me think about my self-image again. It brought back the two major fears. The minor major fear is that I'm really just building a facade, and that the "real self" is not nearly as kind-hearted and hopefully pleasant and virtuous as the self-delusion is. It is a fear that I still struggle with. The major major fear is that virtue itself is the illusion - that all things done in the name of virtue or good really have a more selfish motive behind them. It's the illusion of the minor fear, but extended to the whole concept and to all people. I can't find a suitable defense against either of them, probably because I'm too involved in both to make an objective decision about it. I suppose I should be wondering if it's even worth the space in my mind to worry about it.
The other rattle in my brain is about my life. Lately I've been wondering if it would be good to have an adventure like Hitomi (from Escaflowne) or Miaka (Fushigi Yugi) or to buy the Magic Kingdom of Landover. Just a want to have the crystal, or the book, or something that takes me away to a different world, a high adventure in an Elsewhere. A Mary Sue sort of story, I suppose, where I get the chance to be the hero, maybe even save the world. Something so that I could be satisfied with the life I have, because I had done the great adventure and triumphed. Is it silly to want something like that? Does it betray a lack of maturity of mind?
I suppose that's why I have my Soulbonds. They're the sides that don't often have my problems, or can solve them in their way, or are just there to talk about it. It's probably not such a good thing about me that I would probably trade my world for theirs, at least for a while. It might just be stress getting to me, but even when I'm not stressed out, I still wish for these things every now and then. Is there something amiss in my brain? Loose, perhaps?
The Kingdom of Zeal, where dreams come true... but at what price?
Even if I've done it before, it bears repeating. Click the link for the book of Eris.
But before you do that, have a gander at this! (Not Necessarily Safe For Work, as it involves talking about a guy who thought that wanking off was he worst thing to do.) And if that sort of subject matter is your thing, this article about how far cartoons can go (where people can't) in graphic imagery is worth a read.
And now, to the reason I occasionally want my brain to just Be Silent - for the nasty bastard has once again tried to shoot holes in my positive images. The set-up is today's concert. One of our trombonists could not find her uniform, and had not been informed as to whether it was in the custody of the Equipment Staff, being held for ransom (which is basically the truth), so she searched the places that it could have been before, and it was not there. So, nearly in tears, she appears at our staging area. As things would turn out, this same Equipment Staff carries extra uniforms on trips and such in case of forgetting (or misrouting, I suppose). So, she was able to get suited up, even if things were a bit large. A few pins later, and she would be fine.
Now, even as we're getting things ready for her, she's still looking a bit moist around the eyes, so I lean over and give her a hug and say that it will get better soon. And it was sincere, as best I can tell. Good deed done, case closed, right?
Not with my brain. It seized the opportunity to make me think about my self-image again. It brought back the two major fears. The minor major fear is that I'm really just building a facade, and that the "real self" is not nearly as kind-hearted and hopefully pleasant and virtuous as the self-delusion is. It is a fear that I still struggle with. The major major fear is that virtue itself is the illusion - that all things done in the name of virtue or good really have a more selfish motive behind them. It's the illusion of the minor fear, but extended to the whole concept and to all people. I can't find a suitable defense against either of them, probably because I'm too involved in both to make an objective decision about it. I suppose I should be wondering if it's even worth the space in my mind to worry about it.
The other rattle in my brain is about my life. Lately I've been wondering if it would be good to have an adventure like Hitomi (from Escaflowne) or Miaka (Fushigi Yugi) or to buy the Magic Kingdom of Landover. Just a want to have the crystal, or the book, or something that takes me away to a different world, a high adventure in an Elsewhere. A Mary Sue sort of story, I suppose, where I get the chance to be the hero, maybe even save the world. Something so that I could be satisfied with the life I have, because I had done the great adventure and triumphed. Is it silly to want something like that? Does it betray a lack of maturity of mind?
I suppose that's why I have my Soulbonds. They're the sides that don't often have my problems, or can solve them in their way, or are just there to talk about it. It's probably not such a good thing about me that I would probably trade my world for theirs, at least for a while. It might just be stress getting to me, but even when I'm not stressed out, I still wish for these things every now and then. Is there something amiss in my brain? Loose, perhaps?
The Kingdom of Zeal, where dreams come true... but at what price?
