![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silveradeptPrompt Five from the Sunshine Challenge asks us to fulfill a fannish wish for someone else.
The last time I posted about a wishlist of mine, it was mostly generalities like being good to each other and having transformative works statements, and a request for sourcing meterials for some lesser-loved characters in the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic canon and finding things that really represent Hufflepuff Pride. Those things are still true, and the problem that undergirds putting up any wish list at all is still present.
Namely, that it's bad to want, and it has a cousin in that I don't really know what I want. Not knowing is easier to deal with - with time and reading and viewing, in theory, I'll come to understand what my tastes are, but it's also becoming apparent that I can appreciate a wide band of things. It's not like I've zeroed in on "all my gift fics have to be soulmate AUs" and can present a discrete list of fandoms that I want soulmate AUs in.
Because I can appreciate things that explore stuff left behind or left unsaid by canon, I can appreciate fix-its, or transformations where characters have different orientations or identities, I can enjoy them placed in other situations, whether by AU or crossover or fusion, and so it's the problem of having too many flavors of jam to list anything coherent about "what do I really wish for?" Other than those things like "have a tansformative works statement" and "don't harsh on other people's squee, dammit, fandom is big enough for everyone." And also possibly "If you're going to tell someone what's wrong with their work, be sure they want you to, first, and second, don't be an asshole about it." You can be the most correct person in the world about something, and you can be as mean and derisive about that author to your friends as you like, but if your goal is to inform someone that they made a mistake with the further goal of having them change it, at least your initial approach should be friendly. What they do in response can dictate whether you choose to engage further and on what level of hostility, but going in with the intent of telling someone they're wrong and not considering how they might take it is generally a recipe for failure, because most people, even the ones who are working on not being defensive when called in (or out), will have that defensive reaction. If you're coming across as being an asshole about it, that makes it easier for them to give in to that defensive reaction and plaster you with verbal acid.
You don't have to educate everyone. Or anyone. If you choose to take that role onto yourself, then you're choosing to be invested in the outcome, and that probably means you're choosing what method of delivery your education is going to take. (These days, someone might be able to educate themselves by lurking when you're complaining to friends, so if that's what you feel you can do, do that.)
Right, back on topic. My interests are wide and far-ranging, and if we share a canon, there's a good chance I will appreciate your fannishness about it. We may disagree about it, but there's a high probability that I will enjoy it all the same.
The less-helpful one of the pair is the one that says "You're not allowed to want." It usually takes the form of "What kind of ego do you have, asking others to do things for you, spending their time and labor (and sometimes materials and shipping costs) on something?", but it can also land on "Receiving gifts creates obligations to reciprocate, because it's not fair to them for you to just accept their gift and not provide something back" or "Asking people to do things for you is crass and cheapens gifts (because people can magically read your tastes and wants and provide you with a gift without you having to ask)", but the one it tends to hit hardest, in conjunction with "How big is your ego?" is "You're not important enough for someone to want to do something for you."
And that's mostly trauma and childhood and institutionally-instilled guilt talking. Because it's difficult to un-see yourself or your ask as a burden on others when others are pretty freely talking about what's difficult for them and what they're already doing for themselves to manage those difficulties. They might really enjoy doing the thing if asked, but I always want to make sure it's not imposing on them in any way if they did want to do something for me, and to put me at the loweset priority, since I'm asking them to do something for free (usually) for me.
People can manage their own priorities and what they want to do, and what they will set aside if something else that has higher priority appears. I trust them to do that. I can't conceive of myself or anything I'd ask as being important enough to have priority over anything else, that's all.
And while I have my own difficulties, they're not important at all, because they're my difficulties, and I'll figure out a way of dealing with them. Until it's apparent that they need more than just me to fix, anyway, and I've tried all the ways I can to fix them with just me. And even then, I'll still see it as an imposition on you to ask.
So. There's a list of some things from a previous ask. There's a confession of "I love all of your stuff, but I'd never ask you to do something as a gift for me because your time could be spent doing something more valuable." And there's also the admission of "I don't even know what I like, so that I would know what to ask anyway." I'm pretty unhelpful that way.
So maybe take a look through things. If something strikes your fancy and you want to do it, do it. Whether it's for me or for someone else. I'll cheer you on for doing the thing for someone, and it'll make me feel happy that someone got something nice. Genuinely happy, not plastic-face "I'm so happy" that really says "My envy is rivaled only by my jealousy."
So maybe my wish is the same as the challenge: Go do something nice for someone. Fill one of their wishes. Share with others that you've done it (with as much or as little detail as you want). Encourage others to do the same.
And maybe, someday, I'll actually know what I want well enough to ask for it.
(Sorry if this is a downer.)
The last time I posted about a wishlist of mine, it was mostly generalities like being good to each other and having transformative works statements, and a request for sourcing meterials for some lesser-loved characters in the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic canon and finding things that really represent Hufflepuff Pride. Those things are still true, and the problem that undergirds putting up any wish list at all is still present.
Namely, that it's bad to want, and it has a cousin in that I don't really know what I want. Not knowing is easier to deal with - with time and reading and viewing, in theory, I'll come to understand what my tastes are, but it's also becoming apparent that I can appreciate a wide band of things. It's not like I've zeroed in on "all my gift fics have to be soulmate AUs" and can present a discrete list of fandoms that I want soulmate AUs in.
Because I can appreciate things that explore stuff left behind or left unsaid by canon, I can appreciate fix-its, or transformations where characters have different orientations or identities, I can enjoy them placed in other situations, whether by AU or crossover or fusion, and so it's the problem of having too many flavors of jam to list anything coherent about "what do I really wish for?" Other than those things like "have a tansformative works statement" and "don't harsh on other people's squee, dammit, fandom is big enough for everyone." And also possibly "If you're going to tell someone what's wrong with their work, be sure they want you to, first, and second, don't be an asshole about it." You can be the most correct person in the world about something, and you can be as mean and derisive about that author to your friends as you like, but if your goal is to inform someone that they made a mistake with the further goal of having them change it, at least your initial approach should be friendly. What they do in response can dictate whether you choose to engage further and on what level of hostility, but going in with the intent of telling someone they're wrong and not considering how they might take it is generally a recipe for failure, because most people, even the ones who are working on not being defensive when called in (or out), will have that defensive reaction. If you're coming across as being an asshole about it, that makes it easier for them to give in to that defensive reaction and plaster you with verbal acid.
You don't have to educate everyone. Or anyone. If you choose to take that role onto yourself, then you're choosing to be invested in the outcome, and that probably means you're choosing what method of delivery your education is going to take. (These days, someone might be able to educate themselves by lurking when you're complaining to friends, so if that's what you feel you can do, do that.)
Right, back on topic. My interests are wide and far-ranging, and if we share a canon, there's a good chance I will appreciate your fannishness about it. We may disagree about it, but there's a high probability that I will enjoy it all the same.
The less-helpful one of the pair is the one that says "You're not allowed to want." It usually takes the form of "What kind of ego do you have, asking others to do things for you, spending their time and labor (and sometimes materials and shipping costs) on something?", but it can also land on "Receiving gifts creates obligations to reciprocate, because it's not fair to them for you to just accept their gift and not provide something back" or "Asking people to do things for you is crass and cheapens gifts (because people can magically read your tastes and wants and provide you with a gift without you having to ask)", but the one it tends to hit hardest, in conjunction with "How big is your ego?" is "You're not important enough for someone to want to do something for you."
And that's mostly trauma and childhood and institutionally-instilled guilt talking. Because it's difficult to un-see yourself or your ask as a burden on others when others are pretty freely talking about what's difficult for them and what they're already doing for themselves to manage those difficulties. They might really enjoy doing the thing if asked, but I always want to make sure it's not imposing on them in any way if they did want to do something for me, and to put me at the loweset priority, since I'm asking them to do something for free (usually) for me.
People can manage their own priorities and what they want to do, and what they will set aside if something else that has higher priority appears. I trust them to do that. I can't conceive of myself or anything I'd ask as being important enough to have priority over anything else, that's all.
And while I have my own difficulties, they're not important at all, because they're my difficulties, and I'll figure out a way of dealing with them. Until it's apparent that they need more than just me to fix, anyway, and I've tried all the ways I can to fix them with just me. And even then, I'll still see it as an imposition on you to ask.
So. There's a list of some things from a previous ask. There's a confession of "I love all of your stuff, but I'd never ask you to do something as a gift for me because your time could be spent doing something more valuable." And there's also the admission of "I don't even know what I like, so that I would know what to ask anyway." I'm pretty unhelpful that way.
So maybe take a look through things. If something strikes your fancy and you want to do it, do it. Whether it's for me or for someone else. I'll cheer you on for doing the thing for someone, and it'll make me feel happy that someone got something nice. Genuinely happy, not plastic-face "I'm so happy" that really says "My envy is rivaled only by my jealousy."
So maybe my wish is the same as the challenge: Go do something nice for someone. Fill one of their wishes. Share with others that you've done it (with as much or as little detail as you want). Encourage others to do the same.
And maybe, someday, I'll actually know what I want well enough to ask for it.
(Sorry if this is a downer.)
Hufflepuff Pride
Date: 2019-07-18 04:40 am (UTC)Re: Hufflepuff Pride
Date: 2019-07-18 04:39 pm (UTC)Re: Hufflepuff Pride
Date: 2019-07-19 04:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-18 07:56 am (UTC)What do you love about this? Let me love it with you.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-18 04:38 pm (UTC)Sunshine ☼ Challenge
Date: 2019-07-19 10:56 pm (UTC)Re: Sunshine ☼ Challenge
Date: 2019-07-20 03:34 pm (UTC)Try this ...
Date: 2019-07-20 01:22 am (UTC)I recommend reading fanfics in which characters deal with those same issues. I've found many excellent ones about Bucky and some about Natasha, and I've seen traumatized fans comment that they find such stories both soothing and educational. Canon, well, that is NOT NOT NOT how you treat tortured POWs if you want them to get better. >_< But fanwriters are evidently more competent than Hollywood now.
My series Love Is For Children does a lot of this.
This, You Protect by owlet
https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752638
Team-Building Exercises by owlet
http://archiveofourown.org/works/3456710
These two show the slow evolution from the Asset to Bucky.
Scents and Sensibility: The Working Assassin's Guide to Supersoldier Seduction by galwednesday, silentwalrus, skellerbvvt
Steve/Bucky with
https://archiveofourown.org/works/14772824
For a while I was really broke, and eventually that wore down my ability to want things, even after I could afford to buy things again. One way I worked through that was looking at things, not with the intent to acquire them, but to match them with characters for use in stories. Virtual shopping, if you will. It helped me get back into the habit of noticing things.
I have also fulfilled wishes for other people. See my gather post.
Re: Try this ...
Date: 2019-07-20 03:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-20 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-20 03:33 pm (UTC)