Snowflake Challenge 2023 #12: Goals, S.M.A.R.T. or Otherwise

[silveradept]

Challenge #12 asks us to engage with the potentially fraught space of setting goals.

January is traditionally a time when people set goals for themselves for the coming year, and even if New Year’s resolutions aren’t your thing, maybe you have something you want to achieve this year. Maybe that’s to finish a fic that’s been sat in your WIP folder for ages, maybe to learn a new skill, maybe to check out some new shows.

In your own space, set yourself some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private.

Goals are not usually part of my traditions around new year or other milestone points of the year and/or life, for two reasons:

1. If I set a goal, I will put significant resources into trying to accomplish it as soon as possible.
2. I will use any unmet goals as bludgeons against myself as a failure or other reason why my accomplishments are not celebratory or impressive.

The belief that I am a valuable and worthy human being without having to prove this to others every second of my existence did not get entrenched in me during childhood or adulthood. Undiagnosed variable attention stimulus trait left me with worries and concerns about my own trustworthiness, memory, ability to follow through, time management, and so forth. Even with tools to help in these situations, there's still a lot of undoing what's already been done and learning how to manage the accompanying anxieties that come with deadlines.

The VAST also combined with doing well in school settings and academics to give me a sense that things were either subject to instant mastery or complete inability, and there weren't that many opportunities for me to persist at a thing, be not great at it, and improve over time away from the scrutiny of people who were looking for opportunities to make the smart child more human. The fixed mentality can get in the way of goals involving learning new skills, and it also suggests that things that I am genuinely good at through practice or skill don't count because they are normalized and effort expended is the currency of knowing whether something should be praised or taken for granted. Beyond that, the VAST lies to me about how much time I already have committed to maintaining the enjoyable things that I'm doing right now, to make new things seem like they can be added to my capacity without everything else suffering from less resource allocation. "Guard your yes" is the advice of René Brooks, founder of Black Girl, Lost Keys, and it is extremely good advice for anyone who struggles with time and people-pleasing tendencies.

It also turns out that I'm tripping over some mines that past me scattered into the future, based on expectations I set for myself that assumed I was fundamentally neurotypical and that I wouldn't experience the kinds of events that my life has had. Despite how much I despise narratives around concepts like "Christmas Cake" and "Over The Hill," a pretty persistent brainweasel of mine tells me I'm running out of time to participate in certain social conventions, like parenting, having a career-defining breakthrough, or being published to accolades and national or international respect in my field. Or things like having a comfortable financial existence where large projects aren't going to be bank-breaking and that it's even possible some of them could be paid for in cash reserves. (I know, in this economy?) Pay no attention to the fact that I'm still here and doing as well as I am, despite all of my past life decisions and the decisions of other people in my past, and the structural way that my profession only ever elevates a carefully chosen few people to rock star status. It can't possibly be a social issue, because social issue means social-ism, and we all know how much U.S. society hates socialism. (Or how they won't think about societal problems and solutions when there's a convenient person or Other to blame.)

In practice, the VAST, the rejection sensitivity, and the knowledge of my own brainweasels makes my goals something like "I'm going to participate in one exchange this year! (Already met, already exceeded.)" Or "I'm going to talk at one conference this year! (Already accepted, just need the logistics managed.)" Putting goals out there that I might fail at is a way of building resilience, but it requires scaffolding in place to prevent failure from turning into self-flagellation and catastrophizing, both of which increase anxiety and make it less likely that the desired result of learning and trying to do better the next time actually happen. The root of that scaffolding is noticing things and reacting to them deliberately from a place of security and self-love. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty difficult to upend one of your fundamental mental concepts and replace it with something that will ultimately be happier and better, even if you know that the new concept will make you happier and better-equipped to handle the world outside.

Making it through the year is a goal. Working toward greater self-love and self-acceptance is a goal. Leaning what parts of my existence have changed, how they are signaling, and what methods are effective at working through them is a goal.

I also kind of want to keep things going as they have been, so not defaulting on exchanges I sign up for, keeping the weekly book club going, and, perhaps more this year, if I can manage it, to consume the media, play the games, and take time for myself for these activities that are for my own enjoyment, instead of trying to squeeze it in where it won't inconvenience others. It turns out that is kind of satisfying to be able to finally complete another Spire ascension or put another character in the column of "reached the true ending" or otherwise having a full set of achievements, or getting caught up to current canon. In addition to nice kudos and comments on new works and works already created.

And maybe I can make some progress this year on seeing myself in the ways that other people see me and the things that I do.

Comments

[flamingsword]

Thank you for giving me some thinkies, and a link to read. Good luck with your goals and themes for the year!

And if you ever need some external validation of feeling a kind of way or having a brainweasel, my DMs are always open!

[silveradept]

Thank you for the well-wishes and the offer to play Whac-A-Weasel.

[firecat]

TIL what VAST means.

Good goals.

Sometimes I really resent my body and energy being so much more limited than my interests and desires. (Not that I'm in any way alone in that.)

[silveradept]

Yeah. I like it better than the framing that casts my brain functions as a disorder because it's not neurotypical.

I really would love to have some way of being able to go to work, come home, sleep, then do the same day over again, but this time without having to go to work so I can either catch up around the house or spend a day in idleness and things that make me happy.

[firecat]

As Bill Watterson said, “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”

[silveradept]

Indeed. Sometimes you have to find time for nothing in the middle of everything.

[sithjawa]

> to consume the media, play the games, and take time for myself for these activities that are for my own enjoyment, instead of trying to squeeze it in where it won't inconvenience others

I am in favor of you taking time for yourself even if there is some reason to think it might inconvenience others!

[silveradept]

It's the actual doing that can be difficult, because my past experiences have taught me that inconveniencing someone else with my self-care (or embarking upon something enjoyable that will make me unavailable to respond immediately to the desires of others) carries disproportionate consequences.

[snowynight]

Taking care of yourself is a pretty good goal. Thanks for giving me things to think about.

[silveradept]

You are welcome. It's a small-seeming goal with a large amount of possible moving parts.

[lilysea]

The belief that I am a valuable and worthy human being without having to prove this to others every second of my existence did not get entrenched in me during childhood or adulthood

I read this and thought "Wait, what? There are people for whom this DID get entrenched during childhood/teenage years/adulthood?"

[silveradept]

Theoretically, yes. Supposedly these people with a well-adjusted sense of self-worth exist, and supposedly they exist outside of people who have enough wealth that they will want for nothing from the moment of their birth.

[lilysea]

What is the VAST?

[silveradept]

Variable Attention Stimulus Trait, a non-pathologising way to refer to the condition currently called Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder.

[galadhir]

I'm with you on the "if you meet goals it's nothing to celebrate because it's only to be expected, while if you don't meet them it's further proof that you're a worthless person," thing that makes goals a self-defeating strategy. I have also abandoned them in favour of a more generalized appreciation for the things I do do along the way.

[silveradept]

It's a pleasant surprise to look back and see what you've done as a matter of routine and try to appreciate it from the perspective if someone for whom it would not be routine at all.

[galadhir]

Definitely! And also I try to tell myself that I'm like a tree or a bird or any other created thing, and all that is really required of me is to be me and to grow and then decay in my own particular way.

[silveradept]

To grow and then decay, both. That's a different way of looking at everything than what I'm used to.

[galadhir]

Heh, maybe I'm not supposed to call the slow loss of physical capacity that's happening to me now I'm nearing 60 'decay' :) But if I look at the natural world it seems that almost everything grows to a peak of maturity and then declines in vigor and health until it eventually dies, and that's not a cycle that I'm exempt from.

It doesn't mean I can't find something to enjoy and appreciate in the process - oaks contribute maybe most to their ecosystem while they're in the process of declining - but maybe I need to stop striving to be continually young and strong, because that's a goal reality doesn't support.

[silveradept]

Would that I have the same wisdom to recognize reality and to find the enjoyable things in it as I age. I'm not that old and still having trouble with the part where decay is going to get me and everyone else, too.

[galadhir]

No need to worry about it yet! Sorry if I was being a downer, but yeah, if you're not that old then there's no need to think about it for years yet :)

[silveradept]

It's fine, you're not being a downer. I've already had at least one panic attack in my life about the eventual decay of everything, including myself, so ways of looking at it that don't produce "must gain notoriety and be remembered forever or what's the point of it all!" feelings are entirely welcome. I may not understand or apply them for a while yet, but having them rattling around in the back of my head makes them available for when I might need them.

[galadhir]

I don't think I understand a lot, if anything, about it, but I have been comforted by what I have read about the Japanese philosophies behind wabi sabi and mono no aware where an appreciation of the transience of all things is supposed to heighten their beauty, and also helps you to value the imperfection and humility of small things. So that might be a thing to look into?

I remember my teacher explaining Dante to me and his belief that unless you've done something eternally memorable you're barely worth having an afterlife - and even when I was in my teens that struck me as being grossly cruel. The vast majority of people don't live lives that leave traces for centuries, but that doesn't make them worthless. They were unique and intricate and amazing humans in their time, and I don't think that is negated by the fact that we don't remember them now.

[enchantedsleeper]

That's very true, and as someone who has struggled with "must be remembered!!!" as well (even though it's not like I'll be around to care!) I find it a reassuring perspective.

[devon]

"Undiagnosed variable attention stimulus trait left me with worries and concerns about my own trustworthiness, memory, ability to follow through, time management, and so forth."

Thanks for writing about VAST. I was recently diagnosed as neurodivergent/autistic, so this makes a lot of sense to me. I never liked "attention deficit" as a descriptor because it's so limiting and specific. I honestly have a lot of the same concerns about my memory and especially my ability to follow through on things. For years, I have resisted committing to activities that other people might rely on. I also (like many neurodivergent ppl) suffered from major depression for most of my life, so that destroyed any motivation I might have had to do activities.

basically saying "like" and "yeah, me too." take care!

[silveradept]

It's no fun growing up and trying to exist in a society that wants to make being neurodivergent a personal moral failing that can be overcome with *effort* rather than a situation of brain chemistry that requires adaptation and accommodation.

[ofearthandstars]

Thank you for the link, and the thoughts. I started goal-keeping a few years ago, mostly as a means of trying to get my life where I want it to be, but I think I'm fairly lucky in that my self-flagellation at not meeting certain goals is lower provided I am making some progress. As you so sweetly put it, sometimes making it through is a fine goal all on its own.

[silveradept]

It is. I would like to say that I will be less flagellating with progress, but it usually takes someone pointing out the progress before I will acknowledge it as progress and worth celebrating.