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silveradeptChallenge #12 asks us to engage with the potentially fraught space of setting goals.
Goals are not usually part of my traditions around new year or other milestone points of the year and/or life, for two reasons:
The belief that I am a valuable and worthy human being without having to prove this to others every second of my existence did not get entrenched in me during childhood or adulthood. Undiagnosed variable attention stimulus trait left me with worries and concerns about my own trustworthiness, memory, ability to follow through, time management, and so forth. Even with tools to help in these situations, there's still a lot of undoing what's already been done and learning how to manage the accompanying anxieties that come with deadlines.
The VAST also combined with doing well in school settings and academics to give me a sense that things were either subject to instant mastery or complete inability, and there weren't that many opportunities for me to persist at a thing, be not great at it, and improve over time away from the scrutiny of people who were looking for opportunities to make the smart child more human. The fixed mentality can get in the way of goals involving learning new skills, and it also suggests that things that I am genuinely good at through practice or skill don't count because they are normalized and effort expended is the currency of knowing whether something should be praised or taken for granted. Beyond that, the VAST lies to me about how much time I already have committed to maintaining the enjoyable things that I'm doing right now, to make new things seem like they can be added to my capacity without everything else suffering from less resource allocation. "Guard your yes" is the advice of René Brooks, founder of Black Girl, Lost Keys, and it is extremely good advice for anyone who struggles with time and people-pleasing tendencies.
It also turns out that I'm tripping over some mines that past me scattered into the future, based on expectations I set for myself that assumed I was fundamentally neurotypical and that I wouldn't experience the kinds of events that my life has had. Despite how much I despise narratives around concepts like "Christmas Cake" and "Over The Hill," a pretty persistent brainweasel of mine tells me I'm running out of time to participate in certain social conventions, like parenting, having a career-defining breakthrough, or being published to accolades and national or international respect in my field. Or things like having a comfortable financial existence where large projects aren't going to be bank-breaking and that it's even possible some of them could be paid for in cash reserves. (I know, in this economy?) Pay no attention to the fact that I'm still here and doing as well as I am, despite all of my past life decisions and the decisions of other people in my past, and the structural way that my profession only ever elevates a carefully chosen few people to rock star status. It can't possibly be a social issue, because social issue means social-ism, and we all know how much U.S. society hates socialism. (Or how they won't think about societal problems and solutions when there's a convenient person or Other to blame.)
In practice, the VAST, the rejection sensitivity, and the knowledge of my own brainweasels makes my goals something like "I'm going to participate in one exchange this year! (Already met, already exceeded.)" Or "I'm going to talk at one conference this year! (Already accepted, just need the logistics managed.)" Putting goals out there that I might fail at is a way of building resilience, but it requires scaffolding in place to prevent failure from turning into self-flagellation and catastrophizing, both of which increase anxiety and make it less likely that the desired result of learning and trying to do better the next time actually happen. The root of that scaffolding is noticing things and reacting to them deliberately from a place of security and self-love. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty difficult to upend one of your fundamental mental concepts and replace it with something that will ultimately be happier and better, even if you know that the new concept will make you happier and better-equipped to handle the world outside.
Making it through the year is a goal. Working toward greater self-love and self-acceptance is a goal. Leaning what parts of my existence have changed, how they are signaling, and what methods are effective at working through them is a goal.
I also kind of want to keep things going as they have been, so not defaulting on exchanges I sign up for, keeping the weekly book club going, and, perhaps more this year, if I can manage it, to consume the media, play the games, and take time for myself for these activities that are for my own enjoyment, instead of trying to squeeze it in where it won't inconvenience others. It turns out that is kind of satisfying to be able to finally complete another Spire ascension or put another character in the column of "reached the true ending" or otherwise having a full set of achievements, or getting caught up to current canon. In addition to nice kudos and comments on new works and works already created.
And maybe I can make some progress this year on seeing myself in the ways that other people see me and the things that I do.
January is traditionally a time when people set goals for themselves for the coming year, and even if New Year’s resolutions aren’t your thing, maybe you have something you want to achieve this year. Maybe that’s to finish a fic that’s been sat in your WIP folder for ages, maybe to learn a new skill, maybe to check out some new shows.
In your own space, set yourself some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private.
Goals are not usually part of my traditions around new year or other milestone points of the year and/or life, for two reasons:
- If I set a goal, I will put significant resources into trying to accomplish it as soon as possible.
- I will use any unmet goals as bludgeons against myself as a failure or other reason why my accomplishments are not celebratory or impressive.
The belief that I am a valuable and worthy human being without having to prove this to others every second of my existence did not get entrenched in me during childhood or adulthood. Undiagnosed variable attention stimulus trait left me with worries and concerns about my own trustworthiness, memory, ability to follow through, time management, and so forth. Even with tools to help in these situations, there's still a lot of undoing what's already been done and learning how to manage the accompanying anxieties that come with deadlines.
The VAST also combined with doing well in school settings and academics to give me a sense that things were either subject to instant mastery or complete inability, and there weren't that many opportunities for me to persist at a thing, be not great at it, and improve over time away from the scrutiny of people who were looking for opportunities to make the smart child more human. The fixed mentality can get in the way of goals involving learning new skills, and it also suggests that things that I am genuinely good at through practice or skill don't count because they are normalized and effort expended is the currency of knowing whether something should be praised or taken for granted. Beyond that, the VAST lies to me about how much time I already have committed to maintaining the enjoyable things that I'm doing right now, to make new things seem like they can be added to my capacity without everything else suffering from less resource allocation. "Guard your yes" is the advice of René Brooks, founder of Black Girl, Lost Keys, and it is extremely good advice for anyone who struggles with time and people-pleasing tendencies.
It also turns out that I'm tripping over some mines that past me scattered into the future, based on expectations I set for myself that assumed I was fundamentally neurotypical and that I wouldn't experience the kinds of events that my life has had. Despite how much I despise narratives around concepts like "Christmas Cake" and "Over The Hill," a pretty persistent brainweasel of mine tells me I'm running out of time to participate in certain social conventions, like parenting, having a career-defining breakthrough, or being published to accolades and national or international respect in my field. Or things like having a comfortable financial existence where large projects aren't going to be bank-breaking and that it's even possible some of them could be paid for in cash reserves. (I know, in this economy?) Pay no attention to the fact that I'm still here and doing as well as I am, despite all of my past life decisions and the decisions of other people in my past, and the structural way that my profession only ever elevates a carefully chosen few people to rock star status. It can't possibly be a social issue, because social issue means social-ism, and we all know how much U.S. society hates socialism. (Or how they won't think about societal problems and solutions when there's a convenient person or Other to blame.)
In practice, the VAST, the rejection sensitivity, and the knowledge of my own brainweasels makes my goals something like "I'm going to participate in one exchange this year! (Already met, already exceeded.)" Or "I'm going to talk at one conference this year! (Already accepted, just need the logistics managed.)" Putting goals out there that I might fail at is a way of building resilience, but it requires scaffolding in place to prevent failure from turning into self-flagellation and catastrophizing, both of which increase anxiety and make it less likely that the desired result of learning and trying to do better the next time actually happen. The root of that scaffolding is noticing things and reacting to them deliberately from a place of security and self-love. Unsurprisingly, it's pretty difficult to upend one of your fundamental mental concepts and replace it with something that will ultimately be happier and better, even if you know that the new concept will make you happier and better-equipped to handle the world outside.
Making it through the year is a goal. Working toward greater self-love and self-acceptance is a goal. Leaning what parts of my existence have changed, how they are signaling, and what methods are effective at working through them is a goal.
I also kind of want to keep things going as they have been, so not defaulting on exchanges I sign up for, keeping the weekly book club going, and, perhaps more this year, if I can manage it, to consume the media, play the games, and take time for myself for these activities that are for my own enjoyment, instead of trying to squeeze it in where it won't inconvenience others. It turns out that is kind of satisfying to be able to finally complete another Spire ascension or put another character in the column of "reached the true ending" or otherwise having a full set of achievements, or getting caught up to current canon. In addition to nice kudos and comments on new works and works already created.
And maybe I can make some progress this year on seeing myself in the ways that other people see me and the things that I do.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 03:34 am (UTC)Good goals.
Sometimes I really resent my body and energy being so much more limited than my interests and desires. (Not that I'm in any way alone in that.)
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 03:50 am (UTC)I really would love to have some way of being able to go to work, come home, sleep, then do the same day over again, but this time without having to go to work so I can either catch up around the house or spend a day in idleness and things that make me happy.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-24 09:43 pm (UTC)